GTOC Blog #55 And so Dad. Here we go.

Where did you want to be by this time in your life?

Me, I wanted to own my own Corporation.  Help others.  Live Arts.  Travel to not so common places....learn about real life.

Who were my heros?  I am not sure I had any until approximately 10 years ago.

I look at my time pre 10 years ago, like it wasn't real.  I have always been able to turn away from the daily struggles and pains to look forward, real or unreal....my focus has always been on the world I foresee for myself, my children and those who's cause I hold dear.

When it kicked into my brain that my Dad was not fighting for his life, he was definitely slowly dieing, something inside of me screamed.  That inside scream has lasted a long time now.  I took up studying everything I remembered of my Dad.  Some of the struggles he endured held similarities to my own.  But mostly, our true likeness I hold dear to is our ability to smile, to hold strong and to help others to do the same.

As I look back though, the one thing my Father never did, was to allow others to affect his family.  He always held his family strong.  And when we were weak he held strong for us.

I am not my Dad.  However, he is my hero. Someone I attain to be like.  Am I as hard on my children?  No.  I can make every excuse in the world why I am not, but truthfully, I simply want to love them.   Every moment I spend with them strengthens my resolve to support their goals, not my own and not the "way of the world".  I can't blame my Dad for teaching me that my role was only to be a Mom or a woman who worked small jobs till she became a Mom.  It was the "way of the world" he believed in.

I can however tell you, that my life lessons and my time as a Mom have taught me strengths that were natural to my Dad.  Somehow by my age I am just starting to see, hear & experience the world he once lived.  It is a world he lived at a very young age.  It is how he became a world traveled story teller.

Today one of my teacher's asked me if there was anything I had never done.  My mind doesn't go to that side.  Instead I responded, "I once jumped off a cliff".  I could have told him I fell off one too, but instead I told him,  "Always in life there are opportunities.  If you see them, you can say yes to them.  I always looked for them and I always said yes."

There is so much more I am ready to do.  Remember my list of what I thought I would achieve by this time in my life?

Well,....

I do own my own corporation....time to make it effective.
I am still helping others.....time to make my corporation take social enterprise to mainstream business.
I live Art.  The corporation owns the boutique.  I surround myself with the influence of Artists everyday.......the logo of the Boutique....."Life is an Art".
Travel to not so common places.....this is the brunt of my current research.......there is something inside of me yearning to meet those in the world who have suffered greatest tragedies.  I am terrified because I absorb their essence.  Yet how can I not be near them when I know I can make them smile.  I don't know how I know...I simply feel it.  Their smiles, will be beginnings to new worlds.  For them and for me.

Our global world is our real world of today.  It's not the world I grew up in.  It's the world my father traveled but brought home within his stories.  Our global world of today holds truths.  Truths the media can not relay, because it cannot be done without bias.

Since the boutique has opened, several people have returned repeatedly, because they enjoy the little bit of culture we try to express.  Something I fear is missing in our smaller world.  Something I have taught my children from the time of their births, that exists for them in the larger global world.  I ask many questions of these patrons.  Maybe too many questions because often they don't return for longer periods of time.  But they always return.

My question....teach me of your experiences in the Global world.

In 2015, my time arrives to venture forth.  Where will I go?   What will I do?  Evidently, I will fulfill my goals.  What ever I do,.....those goals I set forth in my pre teens are coming to fruition.  Even life's undescribable detours cannot affect these final goals.

And so I posted today a response to my youngest son of his query of "true happiness"....

"true happiness comes from inside you, from accepting yourself, both your gifts and your faults. Be grateful for both. Then look outside of yourself and be thankful for the beauty that surrounds you. The bugs, the leaves....the sky. They support who you are inside and ask you to let the world see and feel truly you. This my dear is the strongest of strengths and your beautiful true gift to the world." 

And so Dad.  Here we go.  Perhaps an unconventional journey in your eyes, for your daughter, but one I know you understand as a heart who loved the world.
I am terrified.  But that hasn't stopped me prior either.  I have haters of my strengths, that never stopped you either.  Mostly though, people now show a strength in love of spirit.  Something that might have been difficult to express in your time.  Some of those people remember you Dad.  But mostly, I remember you.  I remember moments you afforded to me, because of who I am.

I could say I miss you.  I could say I wish you were here to help me to feel safe.  But you were my role model.  You were/are my hero.  Someone for me to attain to. You instilled in me a strong, unjudgemental, love of the world that not everyone understands.

So I know you walk with me Dad.  Remember that gateway to anywhere you built for us kids?
It's my turn to walk through.
Thank you for showing me how......xoxo Niki     .... Vxo

GTOC Blog#54 A New Version of Lonely Love Vxo

The last few weeks have been quite interesting, as a Mom and a Student and a Business Person.

I am going to back up.  For the last 10 years of the 18 of my marriage I went to bed every night huddled as far into the bed frame as I could, praying for a freedom from a world I was manipulated into accepting as my reality.  I remember my exact prayer,  "Please God, find a way to change my life positively for me and my children, that is acceptable to my personal being.  I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to remain within the world I was in."  For 10 years I cried this.  At night snuggled up to the hard bed frame, and in the morning I sobbed while the water ran for my bath.  10 years.  That is a long time worthy of being labelled a lifetime.

Now let me bring life forward.  10 years ago my husband and the father of my children left.  He abandoned us.  He left the country.  Life has been hard.  A struggle of grand proportions.  I was okay with that.  I have held true to my belief.  "I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than remain within the hell I was living."

So I tried the dating.  Never having truly dated, everyone I dated was disasterous!!  So I stopped dating.
I am okay with that too.  Yes I have wishful moments of a full true traditional family like so many of my friends, but I am okay with not ever having that.

Lets bring time to current.  Today.

My heart broke today.  I was always okay with being alone, as long as I had my children near.  This past year my children have had varying degrees of separation from me.  None as devastating as today's.  I do have permanent damage.  I am first and foremost a Mom.  I would give up my world to not have felt today's degree of separation.

Being alone from my children never entered my thoughts during the 10 years of prayer, or the last 10 years of struggle.  It is however inevitable.  Preparations need be.  Of course I am integrating next stages of Momhood into filling my life with Workhood.  But combine this Momhood degree of separation with the Workhood degree of disrespect from the women I put my whole family at risk for in order to help.  This is lonely.  A combined lonely I never expected.

I will refigure and and will cope.

However, here is what I want everyone to know.  Sometimes love is lonely and that is okay.  Sometimes love and lonely needs a strength beyond our known capabilities and that is okay too.

It is in these moments that we fully address love for our own person.  Sometimes we feel entirely alone.  It is that personal love for self that will "hug" you through these difficult times.

In the morning.  Love how the leaves bud/grow/fall from the trees as you sip your morning coffee.
In the afternoon.  Love how the sun sparkles across the water as you lunch alone on the bay.
In the evening.  Love how the stars sparkle over you.

One of my new favorite quotes, "Eat Diamonds in the morning and sparkle all day."

It isn't always the easy road to sparkle when wallowing deep with your depths of alone.  However, when you love you, sparkle is easier.

Life is about the journey.
Build your structure of Love, even when it hurts.
Allow Love of Life to rule your emotion.

And my friends!!!!First and foremost for you!!!!
Eat Diamonds for Breakfast and Sparkle All Day
Vxo

GTOC Blog #53 Bring it ON World!!!!

Most days I am still pretty scared of life....the who's, the what's, the when's, and the how's....more so though I am more afraid of of not reacting to life.

I LIVE LIFE OUT LOUD.  What does this mean to me?  Life is amazing and I want everyone to feel that way too.  I meet people who accept life,....that's not for me....I meet people who challenge life....that is not me either, then I meet those people who KNOW life.... Thank you people.  You are those that I watch, I study, I want as a part of my life.  In you I have found home.  I don't believe there is anything wrong with accepting or challenging life....it simply is not for me.

In the past 10 years, I have met many, many people.  People I would never had the chance to meet if I had never had the opportunity to a second chance at life.  I have met people who loved me,...at least till it suited them not to.  I have met people who are my hero's....and I try to tell them often.  I have learned to hug people I have just met, when something inside of me says, they need a hug.  I reach out to people across the world, with a virtual hug, a note of encouragement, a thank you for inspiring me....None of these would I ever have been allowed to enjoy in my life, without the gift of a second chance.  I am the happiest I have been in my entire life!

Today I have a feeling someone I hugged thought I was gay (not that there is anything wrong with that, in my most Seinfeldian voice), but because they reacted within our conversations where I made note that I refuse to date any man, perhaps ever.  Not out of hurt or hatred, but simply because I have these goals.  Goals bigger than me.  That I know I won't come close to achieving by dividing my focus to the needs of a partner.  I am already a Mother of  4, I help women across the world find their worth, I am building a corporation based on the mainstream business of social enterprise and re-educating our masses of it's business worth, I am bringing together the industrial youth of our world that will solve the world's hangups based solely on their inspirationally youthful and unrestricted thoughts, I am representing Local Artists with the attempt to represent them through a National Forum, I am returning to a final year of College with the National Average Prize goal as mine own..... And I am the happiest I have ever been in my life.  Why,??  Because I have done none of this alone, I have done this with the Love of My Family, The Support of my Children, The Trust of my Community and The Inspiration of my World. Pretty tough to give THAT up!!!

And yet, there have been tragedies within my world that have rocked it's foundations.

My father died.  Secretly, I have yet to mourn this.  I know he counted on me to make him happy.  "his happy pill".  I was robbed of him for so many years, perhaps I feel now I have his unlimited audience.  Is it really necessary that I mourn his death over celebrating his accomplishments in life?

My growing up family, so physically supportive in my time of need became offended by my growths of strengths resulting from my lack of need of their hands on efforts. Entirely in thankfulness of them, I am eternally grateful for every second I have been allowed to witness their happiness, to witness their achievements in lifes and loves.  I understand parts of their anguish towards me.  But do they understand my world that was abused in guilts and trusts.  Do they begin to understand how I cannot face specific obstacles in life because of those abuses?  There are specific one's I won't even attempt to address myself, how can I expect them to decifer any?

My children, ... I am not pausing here for effect, I pause because this will be a continuous battle, worth my every effort and negating all efforts in ANY other endeavor.    My children have each been my world from the moment of their conceptions.  I lost so many, but the 4 I gained made me whole.  For the first time in my life with each child I became more human.  Each child has taught me more about humanity and more about my self worth.  However because of my life, my children have suffered.  There are ways to suffer, only these children will know.  I acknowledge them.  In such, we never fight.  We calmly express hurt.  We respect our walks of frustrations.  And we give the spaces of love to self heal.  What ever else happens in my world, my children will pull in my attention, devotion and love,...as it should be.  As with most single mom's we understand that there is no lessening in love due to an absent father, there is simply a growth in our love & respect for our children.

So I made the comment "bring on the world"!!

I meet people around the world every day who "discuss" their worlds.  Men, Women, Children.  I am in awe of them for they add solutions of happiness to their lives in spite of their  anguishes.  My company GTOC enhances their efforts from simply helping women around the world to creating a youth world that supports  and teaches sustainability to women and others internationally and at home in each global community.  I am scared of this adventure and proud of it's early accomplishments.

This evening my son Gabriel went for a walk of "frustration".  I understand it, we Monster Lockyer's live a life different to most families, even different from most single mom families.  I gave Gabriel the safety guidelines of  being home by a specific time.  5 minutes past this time, the remaining family lockyer's had a networked gameplan in effect, Conor, Sissy and myself.  Evening was approaching.  There was no room for error.

Gabriel arrived home while his family search party was gridlocking EastHill.  We have chatted 4 times since then.  Some of my regard.  Some of his.  There is no yelling in this house, it is not who I am.  There is love, respect and hugs.  Three of our chats enclosed those.  The fourth, .... laughter.  Because Love envelopes Laughter.

I am very afraid of my world.  For 20 years of my life I was trained in fear.  For the first 20 and the last 10, I have been held with Love.  If you ever find yourself in a position to judge women who do not act in accordance with your beliefs, I want you to sit, breathe, and listen to their truths.

Their Growing up family life,
Their Partner(s),
Their Children,
Their rememerabance of themselves,
Their Goals,
Their Tragedies,
Their Loves,
Their Lives.
First Love them because they had the strength to tell you of their Lives.
Then Love You because you had the strength to hear their Lives.
Then Love them because they gave you the respect to tell you their Lives.

Then Love you, because if you didn't know how to love yourself, you could have experienced that life you have only heard of  from these women.

Then be afraid, if you do not feel.  Ask yourself, are you jaded?  or do you hand out unconditional respect?

I am afraid.  I meet and try to assist enough women that cannot understand their own self worth that I have begun to doubt it.  I am correcting myself and became afraid of mine own self worth.  I corrected myself again and began to understand the self worth of those I try to assist.  You, Me & Us.

Funny enough, I have never been afraid of my level of love for women and girls from around the world.  The level that says, no matter what, I will try to help you to help yourself and I believe in you.  In this there is no fear.

My fears lie within.  In my own world where people are jaded.  In my community where at risk women are labelled "head cases".  In my world where the government pulls programs to properly assist at risk immigrant and refuge women from  enduring the resiliency of the world they are struggling to overcome.  With these, my fear is to stand.  Yet I stand with respect and  love for those who struggle.
Today I struggle with all the fears instilled within my person over 20 years, yet I stand against them for others who have or might endure so much more.  BRING IT ON WORLD!  Here we stand in fear, love, tragedy, endurance, worthiness to ensure change.  For it is the recipies of our world, in this order that will instill this healthy world into our youth for the recipie of international  love, endurance and sustainable acceptance of our persons.  Vxo

GTOC Blog #52 The Ghost Eyes

There are ghost eyes.
They are the eyes of those who have seen,
     more than they should have to.
They are the eyes of those who can't find hope.

I remember Ghost eyes as my own as I stared back in the mirror.
I remember the Ghost eyes of my daughter when she heard what she shouldn't have      had to hear.
I witness the Ghost eyes in many of the women I work with.

Of late, I have been aching to reach out into the world.
I know it is my next step in supporting women.
My children remind me of the dangers of the places of plan to go.
     So I have promised to wait another 5 years when Baby Gaby is 18.

My children remind me, that I will have to learn to keep my mouth shut sometimes.
Sometimes in some conflicting style countries when I see all those Ghost eyes, how do I NOT speak?

Of late I have been looking at photos.  People around the world with Ghost eyes.  Soldiers, Women, Children.

This morning I woke up, sparkling sunkissed sunshine on my face.
My green eyes twinkling with excitement to start my day.
A warm smile caressing my face.
I am the fortunate.


But I remember the Ghost Eyes that stared back at me in the mirror.
And I feel the Ghost Eyes in the photos.

I am ready to go now and hug the souls with the Ghost Eyes.
I believe their lives can change.
I know we can reintroduce hope into their lives.

I will wait the 5 years promised to my children.
Then,
Then,...Yes I am scared.
But scared never stopped me before.

When you have had the experience of caressing a smile into a Ghost Eyed face, you know....
     You have a special talent.
One that should be used.

My time is approaching.

I can still feel my Ghost eyes most days.
Perhaps that is how I still relate to the Ghost Eyes of Strangers on the other side of the world.
I have rebuilt my smile though.
It caresses my face throughout my sleep and my sunshine awakenings.

Go to the link.
Feel the thoughts of the courageous people in our world.
Know your fortune.
Share the smile that caresses your face today.
Because we have many, many Ghost Eyes here in our country of the fortunate too.

Vxo

GTOC Blog #51 Morning Coffee in the Foyer

Most mornings I wake up around 2 a.m.  Well, 2:31 a.m. to be exact. Maybe it is a numerology thing?  The numbers 3,2,1 play into so much of my life.

Something like a countdown.

However, when I wake up at 2:31 a.m., I have to decide to get up and work or to get an icy cold glass of water and go back to sleep.

Usually, I walk around the house, check all the windows and doors and go back to sleep.  As I fluff 5 comforters over me, I shiver.  I keep the house pretty cold in the winter and most summer days the shade of the trees keeps it pretty cool too.  To conserve on the utility bills I pay for Rose Hall women's home I keep the temperature there low as well.  However I keep ours even lower.  It would be unfair to expect them to wear a sweater and conserve and not do the same myself.

By 3 a.m. I fall asleep hoping the utility bills won't be too high as usually the women have an electric space heater in their rooms to make up for the low house temperatures.  We don't do that here.  We wear sweaters and slippers, but we cuddle a lot and that makes up for the difference and more.

By 3:21 a.m., I awaken again.  Stresses are threatening my dreams.  Usually I am inside an epic adventure of struggles.  Left overs from the financial and heartstring struggles involved in my efforts for GTOC women.

I want to take on their struggles that I can so that they feel free to work within their personal struggles that hold them back from achieving their goals.

Usually, I fall back to sleep within a few moments of thought filled stresses reversed to moments of gratification that I am strong enough to do what needs to be done for all GTOC's women.

It isn't just financial and heartstring stresses I take on though.  Sometimes I take on their ghosts.  On those nights I don't fall back to sleep and the next morning, boy do I pay for it!  Those mornings I stare out from my foyer.  Steaming coffee soothing my being. It is on those mornings that I must force my conscious back to basic gratifications.  It is really difficult because most times those I am giving of myself to assist are stealing from me and are being negative on my efforts for reasons of self deserving beliefs.  Not self value, but the "give me" factor I work so hard in teaching them to change.  While it hurts when they steal from me knowing by doing so I cannot afford to feed my own family, I wouldn't change what I do.  In fact, I am not complaining.  There is a strength I have learned here.  My mom calls it Detaching with Love.

So usually, I return to sleep by 3:30 a.m.  It is then my angels must kick in feeling sorry for me because I am pleasantly dreaming until my first alarm awakens me with a very soft british voice...."It is 5 o'clock".  I smile as I hug my pillow, deliver morning kisses to Ms June Bug and slip on my big sweater and slippers to shuffle to the kitchen and make coffee.   Mr. Ry Cooder meows his intent to be fed and has taken to softly holding my arm as I open the fridge door to retrieve his can of food.  I try to ignore all the messages, emails and postings now buzzing their arrival to my smart phone.  My brain is still in sleepy love mode.

That first sip of coffee so strong it could bend your spoon, soothes my morning being.  I stare over the front yard through my foyer window, often taking photos of it's rugged beauty.  I have a good life.

I push aside all the negative people, all the organizations that promised their sponsorships of our efforts and pulled out,  and all the other things I have to deal with today.  As a dear friend once told me, "I choose happiness." This one moment is mine to communicate my Love of Life, my Happiness with my world and it is my one moment in this day to revel in it.

At 6:00 am my soft voiced British "friend" informs me of the time.  I turn to my computer with a smile and know that no matter what, I will have the strength to achieve what so many have tried to deter me from.  I will detach from those who would harm me and my efforts for women. I will smile as they threaten my well being as all V-Haters do!  I smile because I know I am a success in my life.

Today a beautiful friend who was looking rather troubled told me I positively changed her day with my smile.

Yes this makes me a success in my life.

15 years ago I started praying for my freedom would come in a manner I could handle.  10 years ago, I achieved that freedom, with the most amazing 4 children any mother could wish for.  I also prayed that I would never become embittered by our horrible experiences, that I would regain my person I once was, happy and loving, hard working and a high achiever.  We have had our trials and frustrations but we learned to be a team.   All the frustrations, self sacrifices and open heart efforts have afforded us a family love beyond my wildest expectations.

Normally, I don't blog about the simple life of someone like me.  I am nobody and it really doesn't mean much to many to read words on my boring life.  I think it is important though for people who help other people and people who are being helped to feel the true value of each other.  There is nothing self deserving and there is not a self sacrifice.  I am not rich, I simply struggle everyday too.  But I LOVE LIFE and I want others to love their lives too.  Because when you start to, you then begin to achieve happiness.

This is called LIFE.

LIFE is the business of GTOC.

I am nobody.  Yet I have been described as "The Richest Woman in Belleville".  I think it is the smile. :)  Behind the smile though, it is important to be understood that I struggle too.  People who steal from me, harm the well being of my family because I have already given you everything we have and usually more.

As I wind up my evening, I look at my financials.  As the head of a Corporation proving to be the next greatest Canadian achievement for it's own people, I have to keep an eye on the financials.  I tell myself, I need to pay more attention to my personal financials too.  In fact, I am trying to tell myself that I need to pay more attention to "the bottom line" because it is those organizations, associations and corporations that succeed in winning the financial support from the world, not corporations that help to fix the people who get harmed in their processes.

But I have to BELIEVE.  I might be a dreamer, but I am a practical dreamer.  AND I DO BELIEVE.

Today as my beautiful friend imparted her need to feel my smile to positively affect her day, I knew I simply believed in my world.  This smile was free.  No Corporation will fail because they delivered the smile that could change the course of someone's day.  For 2 seconds, I wasn't nobody.

three:   That is LIFE.

two:     LIFE is the business of GTOC.

one:     Tomorrow Morning I will sip coffee in my foyer after another restless, stress filled night, and I will give thanks that I have the opportunity to smile and believe in my world for another day.  Vxo

GTOC Blog # 50 Hitting Hard on Reality

I am trying to write my professional presentation of what GTOC does, why it does what it does, the challenges faced and continues to face and how we make it work beyond the "bullshit" life continuously throws at us.

It is important that I show my entrepreneurial abilities to win the Enactus Nationals, but as hard as I try to show the financial abilities of my successful created tri-modular concept, my mind is always filled with those I represent.  Christine most of all.  She was probably the beginning to my renewed life.  But from what I have seen to date, she is just a statistic to everyone but me.  I know there are others out there who loved her.  Her boyfriend and her children.

Without knowing them personally, I return instead to my teen years with Christine as my friend.  My friend who loved ALL my teen intricacies. The scar on her face told me of her tough years growing up as a beautiful native in Prince George BC.  But her fierce heart told me of a person who had goals to surpass in life.  She was a few months younger than me, so she got in trouble on my 19th birthday celebrating and drinking my first legal drink with me.  The first time she felt the force of the impossible violence welling within her, she knew enough love to ask me to leave so she could express her fears and frustrations at life, in her own way.  The path of destruction she left did not deter me from remaining her friend.  This was my Christine, I believed in her.  In her fierce heart.

Eventually she who had succeeded in escaping necessitated a return home.  In those days we wrote letters.  We tried to keep in touch.  I heard of her successes.  Her children born.  Her trials and her errors.  But she never managed to escape Prince George again.  And one day I stopped hearing from My Christine.  I wrote letter after letter in vain.

One day I received a letter from her boyfriend/husband, I am so sorry I don't know.  I don't even know if he was the father of her children but he heard my plea to know where My Christine was.  He responded.  She had passed some time earlier and apologized that no one had told me.  She died of hypothermia following a party.  My Christine died in horrific pain.  I knew nothing of hypothermia, only that it was a painful death.  This woman who had escaped the life of growing up in hell died alone.  To this day, I cry uncontrollably.  I have cried more for my Christine than for my own father, because we all held him as he passed.  My Christine was alone, and she deserved better.  In the very least a hug of love.

So this past month has been extremely stressful as a student entrepreneur and to all those who do not stand with me, with us because GTOC is now an us,  I can only say.....thank God you have never lived "my Christine" in your mind, in your heart.  I am not the reason GTOC was created.  My Christine is.

I lived hell.  My Christine stood and battled hell.  I have dreams that she died peacefully, knowing she was loved.  I wish I had been there.  I would have held her, I would not have let go.

I go into Nationals as a Student Entrepreneur holding my own against those who create and maintain the stigma of women starting over.  And then I remember My Christine.  And I know I need to stand higher and stronger so that those who need to be held, those who just need to know how amazing they are to those of us who believe in them, will never give up...will never give in....will never give up, "My Christine".....She continuously reminds me that I have had a life with a fraction of her pain and she achieved so much more than I could ever hope to achieve for myself and for mine own children.  Because she overcame horrors, I could never imagine.  To me she represents all those who have battled demons far deeper than mine own.

To me, My Christine succeeded.  She found love.  She created love.  She made sure I knew how to continue to love even within my personal hell.

So today I create my presentation to National Enactus with the win in my mind, to win the world for Christine.  For Sarah.  For Lise.  For Diane.  For Jackie.  For My Cassie.  For Linda.  For Tracy.  For Deborah.  For Gillian.  For Nan.  For those I cannot mention.  For those who deserve to be mentioned that I have not met yet.  I am honored to stand here for you all.  OMG I know so many!!  I cry these uncontrollable tears for My Christine.

Everyone else.  Let's change the world on her behalf. Lets make the world stand up, anyone who can, based on the story of My Christine.  The entire world deserves better, man or woman.

 I can express no more than that.  Vxo

GTOC Blog #49 The disconnection facing all our efforts.

Today was a really big deal for me and for GTOC.  Only nothing turned out as expected.  Am I the only person who asks the hard question, that sees the disconnect?

As the Spokesperson for a company that works at ground zero and is making efforts to change policy, mutual communications with the global policy makers is of utmost importance.

However what happens when there is a disconnect between the policy makers and the ground zero persons?  How can the policy makers create positive global change to affect the ground zero persons, if they have no real concept of truly being at ground zero.  AND absolutely visa versa!!

As I left the UN Conference on Global Dialog today, I mentioned to Conor that I had been very nervous to approach the the main speaker and that maybe I thought I simply didn't have an important enough message for her.  Conor thought that perhaps I was feeling insecure but no, that just isn't who I am.  Then I realized that, I am so focused on improving the lives of at risk women and girls that often I do not see, acknowledge or comprehend so much of what is happening all around me.

My nervousness derived from the fact that everyone in the room was very familiar with the Millenium Development Goals and how they will improve our global environment.  I know what they are, I believe in them.  I simply do not have enough time left in my day, after school and after work and after kids to familiarize myself with their details.  So my mind reverted back to the majority of my life when I thought myself as stupid.

Here in lies the difference though.  That focus on improving the lives of at risk women and girls would never allow me to do less than my purpose.

And so I did.

And so I asked the question that was burning in my brain.

Her response was genuine, but it was a hard question.

It took the entire drive home from Ottawa, and a conversation with my Sissy before I could interpret my confusion, my frustration at her response.

The policy makers can not dwell or focus on ground zero if they are to accomplish great legislative deeds that will change our worlds.
The ground zero persons cannot dwell or focus on politics when their efforts are desperately needed at ground zero.

This is the disconnect.

At one time, I had aspirations of becoming a policy maker.  I have been fortunate to have very honest, friends like my friend Andy that explained what limitations would be put on my efforts for women, should I pursue that career.  I wouldn't be free to simply do what I do currently through GTOC.

However, I am not solely the ground zero person either because I am changing policy and community at ground zero with the aspiration to create solutions globally at ground zero.

Once again, the middle child syndrome strikes.  And here is my response.

In our world there are those that plan and those that do.  For some reason, I am both. Perhaps there is a purpose for this?  Perhaps someone like me is the connect? I am unsure of this answer, time will tell.

However, for now, at this specific point in time, my focus is on creating a bigger picture for women here in our community through the doing and the planning required to keep GTOC successfully moving forward in it's global plan.  Vxo

GTOC Blog#48 Please DON'T wake me Up If I am Dreaming!!! Vxo

   One of my Professors noted to the class yesterday, a life philosophy "if things seem perfect, be careful then, they can only get worse!"

Superstitious fool that I am, I start getting nervous.  I have such an amazingly beautiful life, what if it is perfect?  OMG will everything now go to bat shit hell???

So I started forcing myself to think about everything that was NOT perfect in my life.  Sure the only thing I can think of is MONEY to support GTOC's efforts!!!    That means if I won the lottery, everything for sure would go to bat shit hell!!!!???  I started getting pretty scared and then I realized, my life might "feel" perfect but only because I choose to feel the beauty I have been gifted.

This morning after 10 years of not affording myself dental care, I had my teeth cleaned.  I have to admit I was pretty scared with news of my sister starting to have major dental worries.  Toothless smiles would just not be me!!!  Suspiciously nervous my perfectly beautiful life was about to take a bat shit corner turn to hell!!!  But then the Dentist told me I still had beautiful teeth!!  Strong, beautiful teeth, but only for two reasons.  One, I obviously absolutely LOVE brushing my teeth and Two, my entire life up till 10 years ago, my teeth were meticulously maintained!!  Thank you Mom & Dad!!!  Another stress filled worry off my mind, I can't stop running my teeth across my now polished teeth, however what about all my GTOC ladies that havn't been able to afford this same dental care??  Note to self, time to get on that band wagon a little tougher!!!

I continued my morning travels, first home to excitedly wake up Conor and tell him how excited I was to know I get to keep ALL my teeth!!!  then off to Home Depot to pick up the trim paint for the bathroom I am finally finishing!!!  There was a bounce in my step as I smiled ear to ear!  It was infectious!  Person after person stopped me to chat.  Not people I knew.  Strangers.  Very tough, grumpy looking strangers continued their travels with smiles on their faces and in their eyes!!  I am so very fortunate.

Last eve, I created a video for my children.  I wanted them to celebrate that WE ARE A SUCCESS STORY!!!  2014 is our 10 year anniversary together and WE are an amazing team of family love!!!   Today, I realize that it is my fortune to be able to say thank you, not only to my children for loving me unconditionally through all my growing up years aka the past 10 years, but also a huge thank you to all the people who made such a huge difference in our lives!  We are a success story!!!

So.....I wanted to share our family success story video and say thank you!!

To my Dad for hugging me and telling me "everything would be okay" and for teaching me to create beauty from nothing.

To my Mom for feeding us regularly but also for always believing in me.

To Fr. Michael Dwyer for teaching me to believe again.

To all my highschool mates who reminded me who I once was, and how life = fun.

To all the people who believe my heart filled efforts to support women who want to work hard to improve their lives.

To the person, my private mentor who taught me my worth and to remember how to dream big, and KNOW I will make it happen.

To all the women, who let me try to help them in anyway.

To all the people who tried to hurt me and my monsters, you reinforced my strength.

To all the people who have volunteered their time, efforts and donations to help us to help others, there are so many of you.

To all MY "V haters", thank you for teaching me what I could have become and didn't!!!!

To all the women before me who have fought the battles and paved the way.

To everyone who gave me patience and time to grow.

To all the men I dated who were simply "replayed monsters".

To all the men I dated who I will love forever!

To my Kimberly MacDonald, for teaching me the difference between monsters and men and what True Friendship really means!!

To the friends in my life, who have stood by me, who have respected my dedication to my children and the GTOC cause.

To my Professors and classmates who are subjected to my GTOC rants!

To all the positive people in my life....thank you!!!

To all the people who nominated me Remarkable Woman of Quinte 2012,  I may not have won, but I was so honored that you believed I should be in company of some of the most remarkable women I have ever met!!

To Gail Paquette, Al Murack & Bente Nielson, Bruce Bell, all fantastical photographers/journalist who honored myself and my family enabling us to share our story with the world.

I could simply keep going.  Like I said, I am so very fortunate!!  

So, the most exciting thing in my life is that soon I will be able to release GTOC's very first success story!!  I can't wait!!  I am ready to explode just holding in this excitement!!!!  Proof positive in our efforts for women!!!

And in closing, to everyone I so NEED to thank and to all those out there who NEED to hear a success story.  I included the video to my children in this blog and only changed it a little to include you.  Since our first moments in the creation of GTOC, I believed that our communities were searching for positive avenues to display their support of our hard working at risk women.  Know your support IS paying off.  As a community you have created a success story in myself and my monsters, and YOU have supported the success of GTOC's first DOUBLE honor graduate!!!!  

Thank You!!  Vxo