GTOC Blog #24 - Until You are Ready to Treat Me Like a Woman, You Are Not Good Enough For Me.... V xo

This sentence surfaced in my conscious today and I smiled before I had any sort of realization of it's pertinence in my life.

Day one......Eight, almost Nine years ago now as I drove in my car shaking from the realization that I was now for the first time in my entire life on my own and with four children, no income, no potential career and no safe place for my children to live,  I wish I had subconsciously imbedded this sentence in my brain.  For I had my judgmental opinion of divorced Mom's at that time, just like most others who had no personal life experience to base an opinion on.

I stopped counting the days since, probably around Day Two.  However the sensitive subject this sentence refers to has to this date not resolved.  So as of today, let me set this straight for myself and for all women:

1.  Just because We are over 40, single with kids....we are not desperate for a date.
2.  We don't need a man to make ourselves or our families feel complete.
3.  We don't hate any men. 
4.  We are not a lesbians because we won't date and because we prefer to share each other's positive mentality.
5.  If We tell you we don't date, it is..... now I know this is difficult for some......because We don't date.

6.  We are full blown, romantically inclined business women AND moms with little time left for ourselves never mind another person in our lives.
7.  We are beautiful AND We are intelligent.
8.  If We tell you we don't date and we still go to dinner with you, it is because we are treating you like a quality friend worth our time.  Make note that We volunteered to pay next time like friends do.
9.  If you are pretending to "give us a job" or "interest in our events" or "interest in our children" just to get a date...please with all your intelligence you can put together in your brains ... refer to line 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, oh and perhaps in humility....repeat "9"

Best of all is "10" .  It may take us awhile to rebuild ourselves after a bad marriage/relationship, however we are outstandingly remarkable.  We have endured, survived and accomplished !  ...yet still we smile, still we love life & damn it all still we are being nice to you after our faith in all humanity has been severely tested!!!  We are not damaged, we are the survivors...with kids!!! and we have struggled ... YES!  It's not easy juggling $300 a month to pay, babysitters, mortgage/rent, hydro, heat, phone (because you must be texted on your schedule) and food....plus all the extras like car, gas, clothing,...etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc,....

So I read the beginning of this blog to my daughter.  I asked her "is it a little bit light hearted or too critical"....her response was  " it is light hearted to those who GET what you are talking about"...."it is critical to those who keep bugging you and just don't get it!

I have no issue with claiming ownership to all the bad decisions about staying with my ex before children.  And definitely to staying with him after they began to arrive.  I take total ownership for my bad decisions.  They are mine and I know why I did what I did.    I also claim ownership for allowing manipulation and abuse to continue in my life.  My bad decision, even though I know why.   I also claim total ownership for the decision to improve our quality of life, and I take total ownership for giving my ex too many chances to also enjoy our improved quality of life. 

I also take total ownership for repeating my errors in judgement and choosing toxic relationships with men similar to my ex. 

What I do understand is that I am a strong woman. And I am a nice woman. And I am beautiful.  And I am intelligent....am I vain?....no....I can say the same for every woman I have met with similar circumstances in the past 8 almost 9 years.  In fact, I feel humbled by those women.  Their strength, character, beauty & intelligence inspires me to achieve and become more.

So like so many other women, I also take total ownership when I say "I am that girl who loves to sit back and drink a beer while we watch the playoffs and scream for our teams....I am also that girl who will secretly high five you when you put together the nerve to ask that beautiful woman out on a date...and .I probably didn't tell you that I met her in the washroom and told her what a wonderful person you were!!  I am also that girl who works day and night to make ends meet and cuddles with her kids most nights to make sure they are okay in this world then lies awake worrying all night figuring out how to make it okay for them again tomorrow.

So let's me clear on one very thing in particular;
I have not given up on Romance, when I see "the one" I'll definitely let them know.  Live is Short, why dilly dally when we have the God Given talent to communicate?   It is then I will decide, if they treat me like a good woman, then they are good enough for me.

Unless I have told you differently please note,  if you don't "get this" you might never.  If you do, "Hey!!!  I hear there is a game on Saturday,  I'll spring for the beer if you'll spring for the tickets"   V xo

GTOC Blog #23....Healing within GTOC

As so many have said, "I have a charmed life"... really???  I mean ....really????

I am unclear how it seems that way!

I too have moments when I remember "what was"....when the pain of  "what was" overwhelms me.  These moments usually follow a meeting with a woman who has recanted her "what was or sometimes what is" experience.  It is a necessary communication to share in the forward projection. Like two team mates inciting the survival chant.....the expression of past and the desire to inject a positive future. Yet it triggers a pain inside of me, a pain of a life I have chosen to forget....a pain that another woman hurt so similarly deep...a pain that hundreds of thousands of women hurt so much more ...and no one knows they are hurting or no one listens to their cries for help..

At least I can now express my pain.  I can cry and know it's okay to cry.  After 18 years of not crying....this is a big deal.  Yet I do it often now.  Actually I cry after every meeting with an Aspiring Woman.  Then for about 2 weeks,  I heal.  The tears however, have changed. 

I am not grieving at the loss of hope.  I am crying tears of gratitude that the hope within me has been rekindled for I remember well the day I made THE decision,....somehow Shakespeare dramatizes it for me "to be or not to be".  I obviously chose "TO BE". 

When each of us chooses "to be", we do not make this decision lightly, or selfishly.  We choose for those we love, we choose for those who love us and then finally, we choose to survive. 

Every meeting with an Aspiring woman ends on a positive note.  There is a HUGE life to be lived and we have chosen to live it.  It is important for every Aspiring Woman to know that there are women all around them who have endured, made similar life decisions, and that the community surrounding them is in support of their efforts.

How simple is it for an Aspiring Woman, following years, sometimes decades of indignities to live and breathe "positive notes"?  It isn't.  Perhaps because I have been there, I understand this.  However, what I also understand is the state of mind that comes with the decision to live life on a POSITIVE NOTE.

Sometimes we need a positive influence around us, to understand our own force of positivity and how we can affect the world with it. 

Sometimes we have to understand that part of our healing is simply learning that it is okay to hurt and  to feel the past.  It is when we accept ownership of our past and re-create our future that we begin to feel alive and to progress on a positive note.

So each morning as I awake; 
I thank God for my children...who love me and all my faults beyond measure....and I wish and pray that I can be a better Mother to them.  I look to those I love and ask how I can make them smile.
I look to my day and ask,  how can I help someone make their day better?  ...and I pick one person to positively affect.
And I thank God for my Mom everyday, for believing in me.

I am so thankful to now have these opportunities in life that perhaps, YES.  Perhaps I do live a charmed life.

Upon rising, I kiss my baby Gaby, June Bug & Rye Cooder and hug each monster as they awake.   While the coffee brews I search my emails, for those asking to communicate aid and then I surf our world in search of the beauty and wonderousness of our world that I can retrieve and share with others, to inspire them to feel and share it's beauty. 

Then my heart fills.....and yes.....

I live a "charmed" life of hurt, of failures, of successes, and of greatest loves and of achievements.....without which I would still be the shell of a woman awaiting to accept her indignities as her past.  V xo

Blog#22 Building GTOC

It is an interesting journey to find your place in the world.  I am understanding now why people go "to find themselves"..I was most fortunate to have to have four children to "ground me"....to keep me from wandering into the invitation of design that my portfolio had afforded me.  With my "then" unlessoned view of my world....I would have been eaten alive or worse....hardened.

There are many, many life lessons to be learned by the woman who has known nothing of the world except what she was "allowed" to experience...or given her choices in life....what she has ended up "allowing herself" to experience.

This Woman must gain her experiences.  I have no regrets...I have met wonderful people and  I have met people I do not want to spend another moment with.

A few months ago, I was told that what I am creating for women. within GTOC is "too beautiful|"  and intimidating as such.  I don't believe this...What I believe is that women who are working for a better life deserve to be treated as wonderful as the world they are working to re-enter.  To this...I will proceed until an Aspiring Woman tells me...one on one.....that they cannot progress in a world that believes in them...I go day to day battling what our society's system has said is too good for women like me....I believe in them as I have believed in me....and they will progress as I have ....and continue to....

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GTOC Blog #21 I Guess This is an Update June 5 2012

I have been disillusioned....  My vision for GTOC was to help women, like me....by empowering them with knowledge of opportunities available.  Guiding them through their efforts within these opportunities and celebrating their successes.

I have not posted any  real updates of late except for small landscaping changes to Little Theresa's House, because I have been so preoccupied with an attempt to help one woman attain her dream.  Only to find out, she wanted me to attain her dream for her,...then simply hand it over to her.  I simply don't think there is that much useage of me to go around.

In anger I take a step of retreat.   No not retreat....re evaluation.....and ...I question my vision.

As I question my vision, I am attacked.  I am attacked by past abusive partners.  I am attacked by unknown assailants.  Both grouped in a barrage that does not compare to my own upon myself....  If I cannot defend my own wellbeing, how do I encourage other women to create a wellbeing of their own.  Again, I not only question my vision, I question my ability to accomplish. 

My heart is with my Mother, thousands of miles away...her adventures an inspiration to me.....it is today that I chat with my most trusted of authorities. It was this morning, I asked my God, my Saints, my Angels and my dearest Father for guidance.....focus.....strength to maintain.

The answer, was within my beautiful son, Conor.  Without divulging his struggles because of his father, his resulting feelings of worthlessness and his struggles to reclaim his love of life....my son sat with me today and talked.

He talked of little that proclaimed mountains....Mountains that loomed over me....and with the love of a Mom I told him...."use my experiences, my knowledge to empower your actions.....question me....formulate your truths.....then do"
I don't have the answers.
Life is unfair.
Decide where you stand.
Your strength in actions define you.
If you fail, learn & do it again...only differently......just never stop.

Funny how my 17 year old son retaught me  great life lessons today.

So.....you who would use me.....here are my guidelines...take it or someone of worth will in your place...and you who would attack me.....I wish you a more gratifying life with less hatred and jealousy.....somewhere else.....

My vision remains steadfast.

Thank you to my God, my Saints, my Angels, my Father for sending my Son to me today with the answers to all my questions.

Hehehehe.....here we go people!   BOYYYYYAAAAAA!!!!!......Round 2  !!.........V

GTOC...Blog #20...Cancer is a 4 letter word....Shine is a five letter word....so it is worth more!!

Usually with my blogs, I endeavor through hours of contemplation prior to typing.  Today, I am "winging it" so to speak "flying by the seat of my pants"....my favorite Julia Roberts saying from "Pretty Woman".

Why?....the emotional affect I am having difficulty defining....

It seems everywhere I turn today, someone is suffering through a form of cancer.  The advertisements are true, everyone knows someone affected by cancer.

If you have followed my blogs or know me well enough, then you know, I feel what I witness in people's spirits.  To the illogical levels that at times when their eye's reveal the hurt they cannot describe, a helpless depression will overcome me and I will withdraw to search for my own strengths to endure.  This struggle in their pains is not my own, and I feel this irrationality to the point that I cannot communicate...it is not mine to communicate, yet I do feel.

However, knowing my personality, you also know, I LOVE LIFE!!  .... I LOVE ALL LIFE!!!    I love the spirit mankind represents.  In the face of indignities, illnesses, irreconcilable atrocities, even death, mankind has the ability, the spirit to overcome with the strength of love.  In my little life I have witnessed greatness in people's spirits.  I draw strength in their realization that they own the unique ability to overcome all obstacles.....even cancer.

...even abuse,

...even torture,

...even illness,

...even helplessness,

...even death,

We have all endured "touches" , "moments" or "lifetimes" of each of these obstacles.  Those that SHINE anyways, in spite of,  are either born with the God Given Gift to be, or they are the Miraculous individuals who have discovered the worth, being & love of mankind through the struggles of their lives.  It remains from  the witnessing of their spirits, I draw my strengths.

Those who naturally SHINE from birth are not oblivious to struggles and self doubt.  They simply know that by "giving to others" from their shine....they will learn to endure the struggles uncommunicated.

Those who SHINE in spite of or of cause to, their struggles actually SPARKLE !!!  These are people who have faced and continue to endure the greatest struggles of life, the greatest struggles of their spirits, the greatest struggles of their souls.  In these struggles, I am sure they drawn deep within their very beings to retrieve strength from love of God, strength from love of mankind, strength from love of self,....it is not here that they sparkle....it is when they surpass their personal struggles, as they do.

It is with their initial realization that there is nothing left within and yet they still freely give everything to another.  This is when their SPARKLE exudes.  Their sparkle infects.  Their sparkle,

stops abuse,

stops torture,

heals illness,

gives hope to helplessness,

overcomes death....

"Cancer is a very descriptive 4 letter word".  Often in the struggle of life, we utilize 4 letter words to relay our frustrations...We, mankind, do however truly overcome our frustrations with words of value....

5 letter words hold value, ....like SHINE
6 letter words hold more value,....like SPIRIT
7 letter words even hold more value,.....like SPARKLE

My dearest of friends, you many be the sparkling individual I witness momentarily in my travels;  you may be the friend I encountered moments ago or the employer I have respected; you may be the life long family friend or the reason my soul soars when you are near.....YOU, your eyes, your spirit....YOU ....SPARKLE  !!!

This gift you freely give all you meet creates love, patience, passion for all life in everyone you encounter,...Thank You.

You are the gift that reminds us who continue to struggle within our own worlds, that there is hope...V

Blog #19....True Friendship....nothing more need be said..

 My Kimmy.....

When you have endured what seems a life time of being denied so much of the essentials to experience a full life, for example...friends, family, work, .... your views on life change.

One day you realize that what others thankfully take for granted as "the norm" you struggle and fight for just a slight glimpse of, a breath of, some kind of notion that it exists....and then you view it.  In that life changing moment you realize it has been there awaiting your decision to enforce your right to "experience" it ...all along.

I make no secret of my adoration of my Mother.  I remember the exact moment "I got her back" and she reinforced my strength to never let anyone deny me of her presence again.  By the time my father passed away, I knew I would forever remain by my Mother's side.  A special Mother / Daughter bond we have as I know she has with my sister's as well. Having been without in my lifetime...I cherish it so close to my heart that she stays in my daily thoughts from the time I open my eyes right through my evening dreams.  I express this to all who would listen and I witness their same love for their mothers, here or passed on through their eyes.  Precious memories to be shared.

There is another person however, who has had such a magnificient influence on my life that she also has helped me to strive to be a better person.  I met Kimmy one day walking through the mall.  I was all dressed up, looking for any job...with baby kids in tow, I was scowled upon by many.  I had more qualifications than they could ever hope to achieve and yet I had spent so many years lacking in self worth that I did not feel worthy of the lowest of jobs.

It was in my final lap of the mall stores, in complete exhaustion and despair with my arms around baby Gaby (then two years old) and pretty little Sissy hand in hand (then 6)  that I happened to look up and view my Kimmy.  Down a long hallway of unbeknownst shoppers, a shining beautiful smile that touched into her sparkling eyes said "hello". 

The truest sense of a friendship had begun.

My Kimmy saw in me what would take me years to see.  A woman, scared, on the verge of defeat but ready to stand up to the entire world with dignity.  She saw the fight and determination left in me that I did not know still existed.

I have attempted over the past 8 years, since that first smile, to thank Kimmy by telling the world about her store "Deja Vu" that she has single handedly built into a feel good  and glamorous empire!!!!....and through my descriptions of her as a person everyone needs to experience as a true friend in their lives,....and through small attempts to show support in her inexhaustive support of animals in "Fixed for Life"....yet I cannot measure to the amount of times,....

Kimmy stood by my side through all my "growing up" experiences...I should have already been done with.
....Through all my "lacking in good judgement" experiences that broke my heart again and again,
....Through all the times she proclaimed my worth to the world when I knew I was nothing,
....Through all my efforts and mounting beliefs in trying to find an avenue to help Aspiring women.

My Kimmy....has been the truest of friends.  Kimmy tells me when I am "full of it" however nicely and she also tells me I am wonderful even when I am "full of it"  :)))

I endeavored to put forth an Aspiring & Inspiring Interview of Kimberly MacDonald, however I knew she would downplay herself and focus on Deja Vu Boutique & Fixed For Life.   I will still work with Kimmy to put forth a proper interview because she has already Inspired a multitude of Aspiring women simply through being who she is.  My Kimmy is a naturally truly inspirational person through every moment of her day.

In the past 8 years, Kimmy has inspired me to open my arms & my heart to living life to it's fullest experience, once again.  In such, I have rekindled or created some beautiful true friendships with people all over the world.  Some closer to my heart, some simply loved for being. 

Kimmy taught me this.  To do "this" without fear.  Because "this" is the definition of My Kimmy....."to love with open arms...without judgement, ...without fear....but with the knowledge of who you are, your self worth...where you are going....and inviting those who would come with you....I LuB you My Kimmy.....the truest of friends....nothing more need be said....V

GTOC Blog #18 ... A little in Awe of people!!!

I was asked today and actually am asked most days, why I devote so much time to developing a public awareness for Aspiring Women and why I expend so much energy in my efforts to help them.  ... it is here I have to note my patented response.....because I can.

No one knows it took me 7 years to find my comfort level as to where I could.....the response today is simple....because I can and there are multitudes of women in our community who are searching their comfort level to say "because I can too"!!

The other response is, because it make common business sense.  Identify a need, create a company to serve the need.  Better our community. 

Then I am asked,  "do you make money within this company?"  I am thinking one day if  I push at the level I am now....yes!  I will!!!!
Till then my response is.....I have invested years of my life, countless expenditures and two personal properties in dedication of Aspiring Women.  The truth is I believe in them!!

I have witnessed those who should have succeeded and died trying.
I have witnessed those who would have succeeded given ANY hope.
I have witnessed intelligent women degraded into servitude.
I have witnessed beauty corroded by indignities.

I have also witnessed hope within one become an eager virus within many!
I have also witnessed the willingness of the successful to support rampant hope!
I have also witnessed the lowest of women offer her humble well wishes on the "accepted" of society!
I have also witnessed the weak and the unworthy fight for equality!

Some how, in my life, I have been aware enough to witness so much, yet have given so little of myself to affect my community.  It is time!!

I believe in Aspiring Women to put forth effort to success!
I believe in Successful Women to put forth Hope for Aspiring Women!

We have all witnessed and we all have the " I Can" ability to positively affect our community.  Kudoos to those who have found their "I Can's"....to those who have not  ASK!!!

There is an answer filled with hope, awaiting YOU!!....V