GTOC Blog #51 Living the Life Shock...xoxo Momma

Where to start?

Have you ever been at such a loss for words that a single coherent thought will not entertain your brain?

Focus.

2001 was a big year for us.  Gabriel was born and Sissy finally got her long awaited surgery that I had to fight for.  Seemingly they were months apart but it had been a long, stress filled journey for Sissy and me and the rest of the monsters.  It wasn't until today that the memory of it all came crashing back down upon us.

There's a place you enter in your heart and mind when a loved one, especially a child becomes deathly ill.  Simplified, I have labelled it my place of Live Shock.  The first 4 years of Sissy's life were varying stages of Life Shock.  The week of her surgery was an extreme level of Life Shock I thought I never again would have to endure.  Until today.

The doctor's always warned us that there would be long term effects, but I had become so good at pushing this terrifying thought from my mind, that denying its presence became my reality.  Until today.  Today Life Shock became real again with one text message.  "Mom, I don't feel good again and I have another migraine."

Like an angel was speaking into my ear, this after previous similar messages did not, flooded through four years of restrained Life Shock into my current reality.  It was time.  It is an interesting place to be as a mother.  She wonders why I keep kissing her on the cheek, on the forehead.  It's because I can't hold her for hours like when she was a tiny baby. It's because I have no words to express our next journey together.

We are in a different place now, we Monster Lockyers.  A less obstructive place.  A positive place.  Through various blogs I have expressed how open I am with my children.  This time is no different.  They have essentially raised themselves.  They have earned a level of respect many adults I encounter will never earn.  This phase of the journey is the adult journey.  The pro-active journey.  The knowledge journey.

You know what, it is going to be difficult.  But we believe in living life out loud.  This is who we are.  This isn't death, it is another journey in life.  No mother ever wants to live in Life Shock with her baby.  Like many of the mothers and fathers around me, it is our reality and we learn to smile through the tears.  Because while our children become adults, they are forever our babies.  The burden of the Life Shock stress is not theirs.  It is ours.  Our wish for them is to live and breath hope.  Our hope for them is to enjoy the life they have been given.  Our love of them is the appreciation of their very being in our hearts, minds and arms. 

So yes.  I am going to hug my girl Sissy maybe too many times and she will let me, because there are tough times and tough decisions ahead, but they are livable.  It will simply be a pro-active journey we will venture into together with the spirit of a Monster Lockyer.  V xo

GTOC Blog #47 From the Heart of a Single Mom

The "gushy" stuff.  I usually avoid it in favor of the "empowerment" stuff.  My coaching method is to assist men, women & children to focus their minds on self empowerment.  The problem is, I get to witness so many single Mom's (parents) attempting the struggles so bravely and enduring the pains so completely.  I know what it is like.  I am living it still with my Monsters. 

The truth is that the majority of my "speaking engagements" I give are most effective from the Heart of a Single Mom.  This is no simple task.  Take a woman like me.  I don't look the "role", at least not the role of the so many labels put upon single Mom's.  I live the "self empowerment" role, but the heartstrings of this single Mom sing a note so high, because they are pulled so tight, that there are days when "breakable" is the only word I can use to describe my heart.  When you live the "self empowered" role, it is a huge, heartbreaking endeavor to separate yourself from it's strengths and to allow the heart wrenching pain in your heart to be actualized into words.  Yet I do it, not because I want people to know about me, but because I want people in the position to help, to know that there are a lot of women just like me.  That the labels and stigma attached to us by society are not earned by us, but placed upon us through ignorance.   I enjoy the look of revelation on their faces as I tell my story.  However, I think my heart breaks a little more each time I relive the struggles of me and my Monsters.

I have heard many comments of late, regarding women abusing the system.  That the system is broken because there are too many women just having kids to stay on the system.  Some of it is true.  Most of it isn't.  In fact, I am not going to comment on all the issues that could be discussed on this.  What I will talk on is my experience, like so many other women and by opening it up, displaying it's struggles, obstacles and achievements providing a life like so many others that should be labeled as achievers!  full of life!  hopeful in the face of adversity! hard working!  losing hope!  These are true labels.  Helpful labels.

Today I had to say "no" to my son.  This isn't a new thing and it isn't like I think other Mother's get to say "yes" all the time.  What I am tired of is in saying no to what other children take for granted.  If I had all the money in the world, I wouldn't say "yes" to everything and truthfully it is less about me than it is about him.  So let's paint "his" picture.

He's a good boy, everyone says so who meets him.  He is polite, well mannered, well spoken and very considerate of others.
He has specific chores.  Dishes, Kitty Litter and mr. Pooper Scooper. Makes his own breakfast & lunch.  Does his own laundry most weeks and like his siblings, tackle hugs me when I am too stressed.
It definitely helps that he is a cutie as well.

In order to return to school, I was obligated to terminate my current employment and to apply for OSAP.  I asked my children first.  It was put before them, either I continue with this rollercoaster of commissioned income or I return to school and receive a proper education that will increase either my employable potential or educate me in the progressive structure/functioning of GTOC.  Without a second breath they all voted in favor of schooling.  They knew the restrictions involved.  It didn't matter.  They love like that.

Today I discovered, my OSAP will be over a week later than everyone else's.  More stress.  Not like we haven't "portioned" grocery money before while the bills pile up.  And  of course I said "no" to my son and explained to all my monsters that left overs were not compostable, they are edible with a little creativity.  In fact they would have no choice in this matter, I only purchase what we need for each day.  We shop at the local "dive" of grocery stores.  We are re-negotiating phone bills, insurance bills, mortgages and utilities for both Rose Hall and LTH. 

You know, it really isn't the fact that I have to say "no".  It's the fact that my son is too accustomed too me saying "no", to the point where sometimes he doesn't even ask to go on a class trip when the rest of  his class simply expects to go. 
It's the fact that my children know that if their father supported his end properly we wouldn't have the obstacles that we consistently face.
If you are not a good parent, it is still your obligation to support your children.
If you are both good parents, show it.  Your needs are secondary to the needs of your children and they need both good parents.
It's the fact that their mother works the hours of two full time jobs just to make ends meet and play/cuddle time comes around while Mom falls asleep in exhaustion.
It's the fact that my children give from themselves before I would ever ask them too.
And, it is the fact that sometimes, like all Mom's....I just want to say "yes" .

Life is hard.  Nothing wrong with that.  The largest percentage of women are forced to live in poverty due to divorce and the husband/father not supporting properly.  I have made my choices and I live them now.  Children don't get to make the choices but are made to live with the choices adults make.  Something I shared with a good friend, " it takes both parents to be positively responsible for the well being of their children".  What ever the parent's circumstances the children must come first. I have seen parents positively  do this and to act as adults not only in support of their children but in support of each other. I am so encouraged to witness this in my friends.

However, in the past few weeks I have witnessed many single parents attempting the struggles so bravely and enduring the pains so completely.  I know what it is like.  I am living it still with my Monsters.  I may have had to say "no" today but together as a team, we sacrifice now in support of a better tomorrow.

Hearing all of this.  Know I put this forward freely in response to some of the judgemental, undignified, stigmas I have seen offered up towards single mothers. Now, I know you put them forth not knowing, I was/will forever be, one of the women you have placed judgement upon.  I will also the boss one day given my future goals.  Instead of your negative words, know you can make a true difference and give hope.  Hope that they too will have the opportunity to become self sustaining citizens in a community that will stand strong in support of you one day, should your world fall apart around you.  V xo

GTOC Blog #46 Embrace/Control Your Change.

As we head from summer into the fall season we realize that change is inevitable.  Whether or not you want it or need it, you will get it.  We are humanity and we are the fortunate.  We can embrace change or deny it.  Change will still happen.

Almost all evenings since I first have been on my own, I have awoken at 2 or 3 am.  Some nights I go back to sleep, however most evenings I lay listening to the sounds of this old creaky house, of the city around me and the worried voices inside of me.

This house creaks ALOT.  In fact I can tell where each able bodied individual (pet or child) is located within the house and pretty much what they are doing.

The city, so different from the country, is actually quieter by 2 - 3 am.  (a few crickets not a chorus, and no coyotes, only the odd barking dog on prowler night) Some mornings I hear the rush of the mighty Moira River.  Other mornings my heart beats in rhythm with the chugging multitude of trains a km or 2 away down the ravine and across the mighty Moira.  Most often though, like this morning, silence.  I keep a battery powered clock in every room and I can hear them click out of time.  Almost as a tune from one end of the house to the other.  They let me know that no matter how much I worry, time keeps going, change keeps happening.

It is actually  "unimaginatably"  stressful to induce change.  Not simply follow an undeniable change, but induce it.  When you sit back and view your life and you recognize it is not following the path you envisioned, it is probably time to consider inducing change.

If we have the luxury of time & effort & (key word) patience we can plan how we will affect change within our life path.  From the smallest realignment to the leap of faith.  Planning is the intelligent choice.  But not all of us have this luxury.

For an easy 10 years before my ex-husband abandoned myself and the children, I lay in bed praying for someone, anyone, God, to help me to induce change.  Yet as I awoke each morning to my reality, I actualized my life, not the change it required of me.  Until one day, something inside of me said "no".  Something inside of me said "never again".  Something inside of me said "do or die".

It took my most trusted person in the world, My Mom, to verbalize my need to stand.  To induce change.

I had endured so much for so many years that the guilt behind this decision haunts me to this day.  Until I remind myself, I am not the only one who made choices.  I never made him go.  He chose to go.  I never made him abandon his family.  He chose to abandon his family.  And because of my choice to stand for me and for my children, and because of his choice to abandon his responsibilities, life has been hard.  Change.

There is however, nothing and let me repeat ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that would ever induce the change that would ever allow my life to repeat or relive the easy 10 years of fear, loathing, etc etc.  I'll take that hard life the children and I have endured again and again.

This was never "in the plan".  I take responsibility for the choices I made that put myself and my children into the situation where do or die change had to be achieved.

The rollercoaster of experiences in life, family, financing, employment, education, health have been ALL from my decision to stand and induce change.

So as I head back to bed to recapture lost sleep, (because contrary to my personal belief, I am getting old, I am not super human),  I recognize that I am most fortunate.  My children absolutely adore me and I them.  We are learning new life experiences together ever day.  Most days, they are my teachers.  Through communication of my experiences I can affect positive change in the daily influx of beautiful people looking, searching for the answer on how they can induce change in their own lives.

When we yearn for change, the most difficult task is to identify, not what is wrong, but how we can make it right.  For most people this is where I come in.  I have reached a point in my life that I simply love people.  I especially love the courage within people to say "there needs to be change in my life, help me"....my Mom helped me to identify what exactly was wrong and how I could make it right. 

It never fails.  Change is going to happen.  Your life path will attempt to keep adjusting itself without you and cause you increased stress and worry, until you stand, grab the reins and take control.  This is what I do.

Everyone has their special talent.  This, my friends is mine.  I help you to identify and define where changes need to be made.  Then together we create a new path with you in control.  I simply show you how you can accomplish where change is taking you.  And I believe in you.

This is where you meet your world.  The world you created around you.  And you smile, because you know, you feel, you believe, in you, in your life path.  It may get hard.  That's okay too.  I won't give up on you, and you won't give up on you.  Your journey is success, change is your success and success is your journey.  Embrace/control your change.  V xo
ps.  Photo by the talented journalist Gail Paquette

GTOC Blog #45 Taking Back Control

This morning I woke up for the first time in days, not at 2 or 3 am, but at my scheduled 6 am.  For three days now my body has been fighting the effects of some food I have eaten and during that process I am entirely exhausted.  Even my brain cannot function at the level required to move forward in my life.  In fact while to others it seemed as though I was still progressing, in my view, I was barely existing.  Barely maintaining.  What a time for this to happen?!?! 

Since the beginning of this year it seems as though the reactory struggle just to maintain was the best I could achieve.  So not me.  In fact I had laxed into a state of allowing others to label and micromanage me.  How the hell did I do that?  Little by little my brain had been fogged into a role quite unnatural to my being.  Without needing to address the details as to how and why, I actually cleared the "brain fog" a couple of weeks ago with one take back control message.

I was re energized into the actualization of the "real me" once again!  My heart, my brain, my body cleared and soared into a flurry of activity because I realized how lax I had become and there were going to be many side effects IF I was even able to unbury from the grave I had laid myself in.

My energy levels restored.  This was me!  I cleared the prescheduled agendas and laid out my plans.  Put my voice and passion into action undogged by circling negativity.  Oh how I had missed that part of me!!!  Slowly however my body pulled me back into a physical coma of inability to act and yesterday afternoon following of day of consistent reprecussions, I simply stopped moving. 

My fantastically energetic daughter Sissy, attempted to pull me from this coma like state with a million suggestions of fun, of which I dogged every single one and I laid there defeated by my own self not having a clue as to why....and then it hit me!  Is my life really so busy that I cannot pay a moments attention to my own well being???

I had consumed something 3 days prior that my body was sensitive to.  It could have been a cracker for heaven's sake.  So hard to keep track!  Blindsided within my flurry of activity, my body began fighting the effects and as such slowed and tired.  On one hand, it is good to know that my energy levels can handle 3 days of aggressive attack before it must rest.  On the other hand, I lost 3 days of top level productivity at a crucial time and I almost "dropped the ball".  Now THAT would have buried me.  My psych, my work & life ethic cannot conceive ever being the one to drop the ball!

Taking my own coaching advice that I freely hand to all others, I cut myself a break.  Sitting surrounded by my beautiful monsters I created my art.  If there was ever a selfish passion, this is mine.  Whether my art is good or not I feel my angels inspire my focus, my eyes, my hands while my  poor tired body healed.

This morning on my early walk with June Bug (something I had been neglecting for months),  we toured the Old East Hill of Belleville.  The beauty of everyone's care for their homes, their creativity inspired me to walk more.  Taking the time to appreciate peoples efforts and taking the time to appreciate my life.  How the heck did I allow myself to be micromanaged out of that one???  It is the essence of me!! 

These words entered my soul....."Take Back Control"

I will be ever more vigilant to the foods I consume so as not to be consistently blindsided,
I will take the time to appreciate the absolute beauty and love in my family, in the people & places I encounter,
I will focus on the work that makes my soul soar,
It really is not that difficult to take back control of your life.  Simply remember it is yours!  V xo

GTOC Blog #44 The "V" Concept on ASKING FOR HELP & getting it !!

I do believe that most of us knowing someone is in need, would champion their cause and find a way to help them.  I have to believe it is human nature to want to help others, even if we ourselves cannot solve the problem, we can rally together, ask others to help to the cause as well and at the very least help a little.  Maybe even enough that the assisted person feels thankful, hopeful and refreshed towards assisting themselves. 

Truly we all have down moments.  But what happens when those down moments magnify in a tidal wave of misfortune and every which way you turn to solve the issue, you are rejected or mislead?  False hope can eventually ruin the most positive of souls and those down moments become a rejected life.  Asking for help isn't even an option anymore because you don't believe anyone will help.  Life's opportunities no longer exist in your state of mind. 

Of late I have been encouraged as to changes within our Social Assistance system that do more than simply maintain  basic needs.  Something that wasn't there when I needed help.  I am so pleased to see it's beginnings, however what I want to see, what I believe our local community and global society requires is an amplified effort to put the opportunity of a truly higher education before those who are willing to work hard to achieve it.  I want to see those in our Social Assistance system go after those people who have lost hope because they do no know the opportunity is there.  They have been so demoralized that searching for hope in opportunity is a non existent thought.  Or it is for more fortunate others.  Someone needs to go after them.  Show them that they won't be rejected or mislead.  That hope and opportunity really do exist for those willing to work hard for it. 

Of course, if they are only being offered minimal education so that they can only achieve low wage or commissioned employment upon working hard to achieve the education, where is the hope and opportunity in that? 

On the flip side, how many movies have celebrated the underdog and their achievements to a greatness that so many of us take for granted?  And we all cheer them on!!!  The world loves the fighting spirit of the underdog.  No matter how many times they get kicked, they muster the will to come back.  In the movies we witness the world whittle their spirit away and the climax is that deciding moment when they ask for help in a last desperate attempt.  Then with that small opportunity of hope, against all the odds in their lives,  they gather all their strengths and achieve their greatness.  Some spark in them reignites into a  burning flame that cannot be extinguished! 

We leave the movie theater thinking "what a nice story, if only it could happen for me in my work, in my family, in my life".  But we don't ask for the opportunity of hope and change.  Our life circumstances win the battle and push the "nice movie thoughts and hopes" out of our minds.

It isn't simply the Socially Assisted  persons that require the opportunity of hope. 
How many of us have laid awake in bed at night knowing we deserve a better employment we have worked so hard for! 
Or the opportunity to take a real holiday some where we only see in the movies, just for once in our lives!  Or the hope to escape a toxic relationship we are trapped within?

We look at all these situations from the outside and we know how they can achieve their goals but are we willing to help them to see the answer?  If we understood that in all their struggles, they cannot any longer see the steps to hope & opportunity, then would you not care enough to try another way to help them, even if they don't verbally ask for it?

I have championed the cause to assist hundreds of women now, either alone or by rallying community and I don't always wait for them to ask for help, most often I simply show them a friendly smile and a hint of hope and that is the real beginnings of new opportunity for them, and then I follow through, every time.  Yet I have once to stand before my community and say, I am stuck...help me!  Of course my image is the eternally optimistic positive personality that absolutely and completely loves her life, why would I need help?  What could I possibly need help with? 

Truth be told, I have the amazing talent of helping others learn how to help themselves, but wouldn't begin to know how to do the same for myself. If I did not have children here to love and protect, I would not have become the eternally, optimistic, positive personality, I would have given up the struggle a long long time ago.
I absolutely love my life because I know deep in my heart where I would have been without my children.   And I know I am so very fortunate, that it is my life's responsibility to share my true fortune of hope & opportunity.  Then without asking, it is returned to me at the exact time I needed it the most.

Last eve, I got a call from one of my dearest of friends.  She was going through trials in her belief of right and wrong, of fairness in life and what she needed to hear was someone's belief in her was unwavering.  She never asks for help, like me she helps others, sometimes to her own detriment.  My belief in her is unwavering and she needed to hear that without ever asking to hear it. 

It's funny how the world works.   By the end of the conversation she had answered one of my most heart wrenching questions.  Without my asking, she gave me hope & opportunity to something I have yearned for since I was a small child.  Funny how the world works...

All of us deserve the right to our own version of greatness.  If we open up our eyes and our hearts we can hear the calls for help before they are asked.  Responding to these calls is part of our personal steps to our own greatness, individually or as a global community.  Our world needs exactly this, right now.  V xo

GTOC Blog #43 Is Failure a Negative or a Positive Word?

Working within the human industry, labels are generally have a very negative or positive influence on our lives.  The "Failure" Label can indicate to us that we are just not good enough.  Not a good enough parent, not a good enough spouse, not a good enough provider etc etc.  These thoughts have a very negative affect on how we see ourselves and how we believe others see us.

Most of us are very hard on ourselves and liberally self-impose the label of "Failure" yet when it comes to others, we understand that circumstances do happen and we not only tell them that we are proud of them for trying, we also tell them not to give up and to try again!!  HUH?!?!

In essence either we are lying (a negative word) & giving false (negative) hope or we have a super human power of bearing the cross for all mankind's failures so that no one should feel it's burden. (Ridiculous!)

I am not going to address our self depreciating tendencies.  Instead I am going to tell you "STOP IT !!!!"

What makes you think you are so much better than everyone else and super human and all that?!?!  You are not!!  We are equally amazing.  Because you tried.  Because I try.

So here is the thing.  What if you looked up the word "Failure" in the dictionary and it said "Your Name & go jump off a cliff because you are just not worth anything else?"  Would you???  NO!!

Instead you would fight back and say "BUT I TRIED MY BEST!!!"

At that exact moment the world sends you a message  "Learn from it & Then do it again!"

Now let's try an experiment.  Verbally, call yourself a "Failure".  What do you feel?
Then sit down and write a list of all the steps you took to reach your "Failed" goal.
There are probably a lot of successful steps in that list, right?
Write down "Successful" beside each item on the list that you achieved.

You have just mapped out what NOT to do next time and what TO DO next time.  You "LEARNED" NOW DO IT AGAIN.!!!

Thank goodness we are fallible, that we have failures.  Look how much we have learned from our Failures!!  We wouldn't know how to succeed if we didn't know the steps it took to fail.

I believe "Failure" is a positive word.  Because we tried to Succeed!!! 

Go take a moment.  Do the experiment.  Regroup and relabel your thoughts.  Learn & Do it again!!  V xo

GTOC Blog #42 - What is Your Greatest NEED, that you can never get enough of?

Each morning as I contemplate my life, sitting with my morning coffee in the sunshine with Missy Sissy, June Bug & Ry Cooder,  I ask myself life questions.  With all the transitional turmoils of the past few weeks, today's question resounded with the banging of a drum so loud I could not complete my usual meditation in love of life and appreciation within my soul.  This questioning drum beat on my early morning brain offensively gathering the fog of doubts in who I am, in what I am doing & how am I achieving my goals.

"WHAT IS MY GREATEST NEED!!!"



I thought my response would be MONEY!  But it wasn't.
I thought my response would be BOYFRIEND/HUSBAND/SECURITY!! But it wasn't that either.

When a very small, meek voice that held the strength of 4 decades of struggles, emerged...I need to help others.

Damn.....I really really thought it would be the need for money...

This internal realization put forth into the world is becoming an actualization I have been acting upon, sometimes highly criticized upon because without a clear cut through the fog, this subconscious need to help others most often occurred to my own detriment. 

And so, my internal voice screamed at me "YOU NEED TO HELP OTHERS"....
I am sure my neighbors, June Bug & Ry Cooder considered my need to be institutionalized as I screamed back, loud & clear.....

"HOW THE HELL CAN I HELP OTHERS WHEN I CANNOT EVEN HELP MYSELF???"

There are chores to be done,
Money to be made,
Kids to be fed,
Bills to be paid,
Responsibilities, Responsibilities, Responsibilities!

And I curled deeper into my housecoat and I peered over my now cold coffee cup and between the tree branches up to the newly lit blue sky, determined to hide from my external and internal self....tenaciously defiant.

Then I felt a hand on my shoulder and my Dad who whispers to me now and again spoke softly in his resoundingly deep voice to the corner of my brain where the reverberations of the drum had not quite deafened....."Your Greatest Need has ALWAYS been to help others and God gave you the Intelligence to do it Wisely"

Then Gabriel breathed a great sigh, deeply asleep from his bed, June Bug softly laid her head in my lap and licked my hand, and Ry Cooder stretched in his comfortable position and dug his claws into my legs ( he is a cat you know).

So I looked around me.  No one was here to help me yet I hadn't done so bad.

We still have a whole house as a safe haven for women & children at Risk.

We have not starved in over 9 years.
We still had a roof over our heads. 
We are healthy.
We love.

And my heart beat loud with love, but did not deafen my brain.
And my brain said, create an unconventionally creative plan.
Then work hard.
And have faith.
 "Because God gave you the Greatest of Loves and the Wisest of Intelligences to Fulfill Your Need to Help Others".

and so it begins anew......the unconventionally creative plan.....GTOC.