GTOC Blog #40....the Woman's Voice.

We spend, it seems an eternity remaining silent.  Life continues around us.  Are we even sure if we are contributing or simply witnessing it pass?

Inside we know...wrongs are being done.

Inside we scream...there is more...what is it?

Inside we tell ourselves what generations before also said to themselves, "be silent, endure, love and teach"

The traditional woman.  There are some of us that were raised to be traditional women.

There are many of us.

We have keenly watched the brave words of a few women and have been inspired by their Voice.

Yet we remain silent because we believe we have no voice.

Or perhaps our voice is being created through our daughters.

Perhaps like all good women, we wish for better for our daughters than we had for ourselves.

And that raging voice inside is reflected in our silent actions.

Our children are growing up in a world that is "more aware".  We are the generation that either got left behind or joined in the "global awareness".

I began my journey "left behind".

Through witnessing my efforts and my failures, my daughters have become women with voices.  There will never be any "settling in life" for them.

Through their love and support of me, (and I must include my son's in this as well)...my children have not only fought for me to stand in my voice,....they live that life.

Together now we stand knowing "Our Voice Matters".

There are still times, I will yearn to revert back to the "hidden voice"  Fear.  Knowing one's place.  Comfort in Failure.  Longing for Love (even fake love) will re-enforce the "hidden voice".  Through the inspiration of great women, their voice, through my children's voice, I still stand...even with my fears, doubting "My Voice" but reaching to the heavens....because not having "My Voice" would now mean death to my soul.

When I first enter a room filled with people with greater worth than my own,

I am quiet in my hidden fears,

I hear spoken words that do not support "A Woman's Voice",

My heart beats so fast my hearing is dulled by it's sound,

I must speak "My Voice",

I am driven to speak "The Hidden Voice" for women who cannot,

Meekly I begin, almost apologetically,

My voice shaking in fear,

My lips quivering with tears swelling my eyes,

All turn to listen,

Eventually, even those who refuse to hear, turn to listen,

I tell a story,

A story of a woman with a "Hidden Voice",

Who discovers the person she entrusted with "Her Voice",

Has been manipulating and pushing "Her Voice" into silence,

Till one day, she witnesses this entrusted person beginning to manipulate her "Daughter's Voice",

And fear for self is replaced by strength for her "Daughter's Voice",

Silently, and through her "Hidden Voice" this woman teaches her Daughter to let "Her Voice Sing",

Silently, and through her "Hidden Voice" this woman teaches herself to let "Her Voice Sing", because children learn by witnessing,

The story continues and the journey is hard.

But the woman and her children now feel the "Song in their Voice",

And other women witness,

Then the other women begin to feel "Their Voice"

And the important people in the room, listening to this woman, are silent,

For a voice filled with love of life can only be heard gently through the heart.

And when you touch someone's heart with "Your Voice", you enable their "Song in their Voice".

They feel your importance to "Love of Life".  But you don't.

To you the answer is simple,

If you don't speak "Your Voice",

There is always the possibility that somebody's daughter will continue to be silent & endure.

You have struggled out of the death of your soul,

We now live in a world of Global Awareness.

No One's Daughter should ever be left behind to be silent & endure.

Everyone's Daughter should feel their importance in our Global Community, to stand and enable through their "Song in their Voice".

You leave.

As you drive away, you gasp in tears.

"I Have A Voice" you whisper to yourself and you smile through your tears knowing...you have just enabled others to "Have a Voice" too.

Our world is changing....This is our children's world....It's getting better.  V xo

GTOC Blog #39....GTOC tenacity at it's finest!!

It's April 10th....I am home studying for my new career in financing and investing.  The MFDA has yet to commit to licensing me....I am held in limbo, but I move continuously forward.

Why?  Because I believe everyone has the right to proper financial advice, not just those who can afford it.....so I take on an avenue of employment that will provide opportunity for advice for all people, and because personally I am responsible for the expenses of GTOC, no as yet there is no extra funding. Yet, I have been known to take on 2 or 3 employments to fund this GTOC adventure for women...

Why? Because on my finger I wear the ring my father bought for my mother in Ireland.  The claddaugh ring with clearly and symbolically states "I carry your heart in my hands."  I carry the love and passion for the efforts of GTOC in my heart and move forward with it in my hands.

Why?  Because my father has since passed, but the memory of my parents' love, lives forever in my heart as a beacon of hope that true love does exist.  Love for partner, love for family, love for friend and foe, love for neighbor.  To me my parents love story is a love story of epic proportions.

Why also?  Because my father died because he stood for what he believed in.  His actions were his voice.  I try everyday to be my father's daughter....and while I remain steadfast in my voice in standing for women...my friend and photographer Al Murack has captured  my symbolic essence in this photograph...

"While I hold your heart in my hands, relax, I've got you covered,....here via GTOC we shoot for the stars, because if we aimed lower you might end up from where you came, our tenacity supporting yours, will help you get to where your goal is to be."

I apologize if you do not appreciate the symbolism of the gun....I don't think guns do bad things, people do bad things, and with anything at their disposal, guns, knives, cars, hands, fists, sticks, stones, voices, emotions, ... I thank god every morning that I awake, because almost all of these weapons have been used on me.....yet I dare to be gratefully alive...I have always said I have an army of angels protecting me!!....sometimes we choose the bad people in our lives and sometimes they choose us.  Irregardless, one day we wake up, and we realize we might need a little assistance to get us away from the bad person, away from their version of weapon, away to a better quality of life and to do this we must muster up not only all our strengths, but to not go back to the only life we have known,....tenacity as well,....in it's finest hour.  Again and Again.

Why?....because as much as we strive for that better quality of life we know we deserve, there is an innate voice inside that says, no,...hide....it's what we do....it's how we survive....It takes a lot of tenacity, training and support to thrive especially alone. 

And so everyday, at GTOC, we thrive, even in our failures, our hiccups on the way to thriving,....we believe;

those of you who have done harm to us, we still believe in you, you simply are going to have to get there without the ability to hurt us any longer.
those of you who try....everyday, or even most days....you will thrive, just never stop believing.  It's how we all get there.

 So as my day work day winds to a close, the MFDA has not responded to my director's urgent reminders to move forward with my licensing, I stand  tall, tenacity at it's finest, knowing and living my belief that all will be fine, all will endure, because like my parent's love has endured through death, the tenacity in me must continue through life....where there is life, their is opportunity,....where there is life there is love,...and like my wonderful friend Brian says " Veronica's gun is loaded with love...." 

Thank you to my community for believing in me, in the efforts of GTOC....it sparks and fires my tenacity of voice for GTOC's wonderfully Aspiring women!!!  V xo

GTOC Blog #38.....Live Life's Passion!!!

I absolutely love when people ask me How I am able to do what I do within GTOC!!  There are a multitude of projects consistently pushing forward at all times, probably enough to boggle the throttle on most person's to do lists. 

. . . However, I don't believe that is what they are referring to.

While I put my financial well being at risk, everyday for this effort....I don't believe that is entirely what they are referring to either.

What I believe they are referring to are the multitude of unsavory characters that would take advantage of my efforts for them, to the point of harming my personal, financial, emotional, physical well being.  Yeah, I know......I have made many V haters out there!

This is why I LOVE when people ask me the "how" questions.  I always respond with the same answer....because I believe there are many more good people out there than there are bad and if I have to sift through all the bad to find one good....then I will.  Don't get me wrong.  With each person I have to sift through, I hurt.  I go home.  I cry.  Why?  Not because of the damage they have done to me financially or emotionally, but because tomorrow I will wake up, cleansed, refreshed and still entirely and positively in love with life.  They however will be chipping away, negative, moving on to the next person to utilize & manipulate with their lies and all those dreams they have professed will slowly die.  And I cried, because I felt their dreams live, take flight and then sadly I felt their dreams die.

There is no miracle cure and I am so very much not a miracle worker.  It is a simple recipie of life.  "Do unto others".  You cannot force someone to succeed.  You can empower them, but the effort, like the goals, are theirs to achieve.

For every one V Hater out there, there are 10's of 100's of V supporters.  They don't have to like me, I am not the important factor here.  They do however support GTOC's efforts to empower women to a better quality of life.  I am so amazingly encouraged by their shows of support that I keep on sifting, sifting, until I find a true GTOC woman.  She is the reason, GTOC was created.  I have had the greatest of pleasures in meeting some of these women.  The fact that they give me the opportunity to assist them on their journey astounds me and simply reinforces my beliefs.  I believe we are all given special, personal gifts.  And I believe it is our duty to share these gifts with our neighbors.  I know my gift.  God gave me a heart so big that while I may not have a "shield" to protect it, it grows consistently stronger so that in spite of all the stresses and worries and hurts of GTOC, being a single Mom, my life....I am still able to appreciate the beauty in everything and everyone around me.  In fact I thrive in sharing this gift.  Another truth in life, "the more you give, the more you receive."  What is your gift?....are you sharing it?....if not....do it....watch it grow!!!  if you are....do it again!!!!  and love it!!!  

Go ahead, today, close your eyes and raise your face to the warmth of the sunlight.  Identify your gift.  Choose who to give it to.  Then do it....Live Life's Passion!!!

My children get the same pep talk I give myself....Life is Hard, sometimes it sucks but it's your choice to be and see beautiful, it is your choice how you will grow and improve life for yourself and for others. I don't expect other people or my children to have this same passion for GTOC's efforts.  I expect them to have so much passion for their life journey that they don't just walk it....they fly it!!!  I know what it's like to almost lose life passion, to have it taken from you, to have to fight for it, to struggle to get it back.....and so GTOC has been created to reinforce your life passion as a thank you to so many that supported me back into mine.

I love when people ask me the "why" questions ... because it presents me with the opportunity to reassess my Passion for Life....am I "flying"??.....why YES!!!  and my bet is that if you are smiling that knowing, peaceful smile by the end of this blog.....You are flying too!!!  V xo

GTOC Blog #37 That full circle of life thing.... V xo

Tonight I had the dearest of pleasures to once again sit cushioned in a theatre seat.  Lush ambiance and heightened anticipation surrounded me.  It has been almost 2 decades since my career in the theatre ended.  Yet the scent, the feel, the love of it's imaginative creativity seemingly has not left my conscious. 

I recall artistic temperments, moments of ingeniously clevered solutions to anxieties of dissatisfactions....and I recall the look on the audiences' face as they stood in applause to the characters we all tasted in creating.

I sat very still tonight in the theatre....this wasn't my time....yet I hugged myself in anticipation.  Tonight was my first time experiencing my daughter Sissy's endeavors in theatrical productions!

How would she handle the lack of timed applause and laughter?  the seemingly irrational timing of stage lighting? a possible equipment malfunction? ....a budding actress of her own regard, Sissy stood proud of her endeavors to learn and produce effective stage lighting and sound for each and every performance. 

I glanced over my shoulder following an irregular surge in volume of Mr. Dean Martin himself....and she took all in professional stride...with a smile and the grace of the young woman she is becoming. ... and the hereditary goofiness only a daughter of mine could so charmingly portray.

My Sissy, was thriving in the greatness and hard work of life in the theatre.
My Sissy...

As I cozied into my cushioned seat preparing for act 2.....I once again hugged myself....proud....My Sissy!!!  ...knowing full well that should the "City hall ghost" reappear and tamper with Mr. Dean Martins' music volume once again....the entire theatrical cast and crew could count on My Sissy to smooth the edges, integrate the ghostly malfunctions into a performance appreciated by all it's attendants and devotees!!  V xo

GTOC Blog #36.....When is the last time you told yourself,...."YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL !!!?"!!

As I walked smiling across the parking lot today, I thought Oh yeah,  I am beautiful!!! "I am all that and a bag of chips".....and so are you...and you....and you too!!

I absolutely LOVE grocery shopping!!  Having come from a world where I had to find breakfast, lunch & dinner for 5 for less than $5.00 a day....groceries in the cupboard are like gold.

When the monsters were young, we would all go grocery shopping together.  Me with my little list...always a baby in the front of the cart....I would direct each of the kids....you...bread....you milk....you....oatmeal.....replicating a strategically planned army maneuver....we were a show to behold.  When most mothers were going crazy with one screaming baby....we would sing and dance down the aisles.

Today, I usually have one or another of the monsters with me,...carrying the hand basket.  Standing quietly by my side as I sing and dance to the grocery store music, sometimes.....just for a moment....they join in. For we go everyday to the grocery store.  Of course some days I go alone.......I get more than a few curious stares as I sing and dance down the aisles.

I don't care.

In fact....sometimes after a particularly tired and grumpy shopper watches me so very enjoying grocery shopping, I will spy them with a little more bounce in their step a few minutes later when they forget someone might be looking!!

I LOVE the saying  "dance like no one is watching"....Having been so shy my entire life that I have avoided much attention.  Now I look into people's eyes,  I smile, they smile.....I don't care who they are,  what they look like,  the grumpier and nastier the better!!

If you are given a second chance to love your life.  Do it.  I am told I am that bird who for the first time flew free from her cage.   So don't tiptoe into freedom.  Fly!!!  Soar!!!  Every second is exhilarating!!! 

There are difficult days.  However, on those days I tuck myself in.  With a little secret smile, I know it won't last.  Sadness cannot last in my life.  It is a part of me but not who I am.  Today when a dear friend talked of her grandmother perhaps in her last days, I relived those last moments with my own father.  I tucked a big cozy sweater around myself and could still feel his hugs.  I cried.  Just a little.  Because my Dad loved to laugh.  I hugged my dear friend.  Hugs give strength.  My Dad still is the definition of strength. 

Strength in Love is learning when to define.  Another woman I would have loved to create a dear friendship with, abandoned her person.  Again, I tucked myself in.  It hurts of course. But defining boundaries is also a strength.  To accomplish this and to still communicate Love of person,  is strength.  I'd be lying if I didn't reveal that I cried again as I hugged myself.  For in order to love others,...you have to love yourself.

So then, twice having cried today....why did I walk from the grocery story, smiling a secret smile,....a skip in my step....look to the blue sunny sky and tell myself...."You are Beautiful!!!"....and that woman in the red toque "She is Beautiful!!"....and the grey haired haggard old man I smiled at ..."He is beautiful....even though he did not smile back!!!"  ....  Because in the grocery store, I always go to....I didn't sing....I didn't dance....I politely stood in line, sad, tired....just wanting to be home, alone and sad. Often, life takes chunks out of you and sometimes we are not given the breather to heal...fill them in between another barrage of chunks in the form of sadness ripping away more.

Then the cashier, I almost never go to, smiled.  Said she was happy to see me, said she doesn't seem to be working during the hours I am there...She was beautifully lovely!!!   Somewhere, somehow I had made enough of a difference in her life, that she stepped out of her quiet demeanor and made me feel welcomed, remembered.....loved.  This my old friend Andy....is Karma.  Yes Victoria there is Karma!!  It exists!!!

And immediately like a flower in full bloom, I beamed smiles right back at her!!!  Yes, there is sadness, it happens.  But I choose happiness, love, freedom!! 

My life is exhilarating! 
The feel of my June Bug's silky fur between my fingers;
The squeeze of baby hands as I get my morning hugs, every morning from Baby Gaby;
The kisses and "I love you's"  my Cassie gives me every night even when I am already asleep;
The strength I feel in my Conor's hugs before he leaves for school, everyday;
And the mornings cuddled in the sunshine with our coffee mugs with Sissy Wissy......
All these moments rush back to me.....I feel loved.....

 So with a skip and a tune.....I look up to the blue sky....."I feel beautiful!!!....I really am all that and a bag of chips"!!!!.....said with some swagger"
And as I bring my eyes back to the parking lot,....the woman with the red toque reflects my smile "You are beautiful!  it says"....
And the old grey hair haggard man who won't remember my smile till the days activities flash before his eyes as he flutters off to a well deserved sleep tonight...."You too are beautiful....and all that and a bag of chips!!!!!"

Life is exhilarating!!!....Karma....Kismit...What goes around Comes around....the Universe sends back to you what you project to it........Choose your moments to celebrate Life everyday!!! 

....and Life will tell you when it is Celebrating You in return!!!  V xo

GTOC Blog #35 My Superhero Cape is feeling a little wilted today....

When I started writing these blogs it was because I wanted people to understand and experience that I am simplistic,a  real single Mom still struggling to manage to keep afloat her larger than average family, with dignity and love.

Since GTOC began, I have been increasingly celebrated as a woman who not only cared and spoke true for a cause, but provided solutions, hope, dignity....to the point where I feel someone larger than me was being celebrated.

I am still just that terrified me.
I am that little girl who's Daddy hugged her and told her everything would be alright when her world fell apart...and I believed.
I am that daughter that hugged her Mom every Sunday in church when her Dad had to go to God.
I am that Teen...who once again, actually for the first time, experienced the ravages of the heart & body. 
I am that Mom that has struggled and appreciated her children's love of the family unit....even without a father.
I am that Working person,.....dedicated to her clientele's needs over her own to the level of 3 full time jobs at any one day.
I am that person who created a company that would address life's inequities with the solution needed.....not me.....a community of people,  just like me AND willing to support the efforts of those willing to work hard to achieve better quality of life.

And today, I sit quietly in a dark room.  I am searching for answers.  Solutions.  Not for me.  But for those who celebrate who the Community has said I am.  And yes, I cry.  Because I so badly want to be, ultra rich and solve the most basic of issues, food and shelter.  I am that daughter who's mother is suddenly not well.  Yet I hold to the women I have devoted my efforts and my spirit to.  Some I know, know and support with their own caring.  Other I know, want of me what they cannot ask of others.  When did they forget what is was like to pull together their own efforts instead of standing back and draining another's?

I want to put on a super human cape and solve their issues for them.  But today my cape feels wilted.   It is not simply invisible.  It does not exist.  Because what I cannot comprehend how some people believe it to be simply acceptable to drain from one giving person, what they will not fight for.  Have they given up?

When someone believes in you, you cannot give up.  You can take a break.  Oh Yes...we all need breaks,...but giving up is not an option.  If all avenues are blocked....create your own.  I did.  I am simple.  I know anyone can do this.  My goal is to tell them to never stop trying.  Not at another's expense.  But create your own opportunities when the world says there are none.  Tell the world No!  This is your choice.

The goal of GTOC has and will always be to detail to it's local Community, how each of us easily can step forward, without upsetting our natural balance within our lives, to assist those who the world has taken away their opportunities.

As a Community, this is a simple task. 

As one individual, trying to be heard by politicians with the power to affect the issues and who refuse to engage, and only heard by those who search for an avenue, it is so difficult to accomplish each task. 

I see the Community draw together.  We need to be one voice.  We need to address anyone who has the ability to affect the system, because it is them that fears engagement.  Through them.  With them.  We can affect the system.  It is our Community that holds the super human cape.  And it is strong.  Teach and Learn together and we can help those who need to learn to help themselves.  As long as we allow our political programs to hide behind blind rules of engagement, we are telling them (the politicians) not to engage, not to join in. 

Instead, let's us, as a Community teach them, how they can join in with us and affect a system of inequities.  Those who will stand will affect.  Those who will not, can walk behind.  For we as a community know forward movement,...let's show them how it is done, and teach them how even though they too are simple people, they can achieve together with those they promise to represent. 

I head now to cuddle within those I love.  My children.  Because from the mouths of babes, simple answers make themselves known.  And true love allows the communication of souls.   V xo

GTOC Blog #34 It's after midnight...Would I be in bed by now if I had a good man there waiting for me?

I am sitting here typing a blog following a grueling day of work.  Sunday, my day off.  No......  I asked a friend how his day was and he said, busy...lot's of stuff to do with my kids....I replied....I am still working.  He said, I know, it is what we do...who we are. 

As of midnight, I stopped working.  My arms and back are sore from the type of work I am not quite so accustomed to any more.  I suppose I am getting too old to intimidate the young bucks treeplanting in the reforestation fields any longer.  However, I sincerely believe given the opportunity....I'd still put them through their paces.  I might hurt, unable to move, sleep, while they leisurely rest their young bones,...but I know the next day,....I will do it again...showing I can accomplish more, even physically has always been a simple however now increasingly strenuous accomplishment for me.

Tonight however, disassembling a kiosk that had been donated to our Healthy Tasting Room via Furniture and Farm Friend.ze,....I knew, I was in over my head.  Thank Goodness for Cassie, her boyfriend Jess and my Son Conor....and the kindly concierge who assisted us with his good natured humor as the tiring night progressed.

And so I return home, with thank you's to Cassie's Jess as he headed off to a full evening shift of work.  I love you's and hugs from Conor and Cassie....and "Glad you are home comments" from Sissy & Gabriel.  As well we shall not forget the prancing hand licking June Bug....yeah....home sweet home.  I am such a fortunate woman and mother.

Yet here I type.  It is now 12:48 and would I be cuddled in bed by now, if I had a good man waiting for me?

The answer, I cannot decide whether I am sorry to say yes, or sorry to say no....must be a well rounded "No".

Here in lies my dilema.  I am a good, loving woman.  I know this.  I am strong.  I know this too.  I have my convictions...and I intend to succeed in my life goals.   Sadly, I am yet to be convinced that there is such a good man that would accept that I would divert my attention from them in my efforts to  express my inner workings via this blog so that women everywhere,....striving, aspiring, women with the conviction to succeed in their life goals would also feel as strongly as I do....this is a good thing.  This is an amazing thing! 

I have met many a good man and while the acceptance of my far reaching goals draw their attraction, the work required  wherein they have difficulty to witness that I must accomplish to achieve the baby steps towards my impossible goals is staggering.  The sacrifice even a new level of staggering.  And yet I continue, head strong. Why...tonight on a day that was intended for family time, I ask myself....why?  Then I reach out to my loving children.  Not only do I know the answer to "why", so do they.  "Because I can."....and I am convinced "They too Can."  As Can You, who read this blog.

My Children have learned a life lesson, foreign to many potential suitors I meet.  Dream huge, dream beyond anyone's reality, Believe in it, Work hard to achieve it,  ... and most importantly.... never Give up.  And my children have learned this by witnessing, my sacrifices, my hard work and my love of life.  I can smile everyday as I awake, because my children and I make it clear,....we not only love each other, we love life.

Knowing this....my dreams are becoming my reality.

In church today, Fr. Francis had me in tears while he spoke of a real true love in marriages.  I was married 18 years.  Of which most of those 18, I was very unhappy.  The happy years were the one's that began with my children. I strove daily to achieve a real marriage.  I cried in silence every evening before laying next to my husband.  And I knew.  Life was more than this.  Yet I continued.  Everyday.  And every evening, I prayed....Please God...find me an acceptable avenue to be free of this pain, agony, loveless, abusive marriage...but if it is for my beautiful children...I will stay.  My love of my life and my love of my children kept me prisoner to a marriage intent on diminishing that strong, loving, goal oriented woman in me.

And then one day.  I was free.  I shook.  I was terrified.  I didn't know what "free" was. 

It has taken me 9 years to answer the "why question" and the "what is free" question.  So to all you single women, with or without children,....starting over.,....rediscovering the who's the what's the where's and the why's .....while we still ache for that lovely gentleman's arms to hold us at days end and to reassure us that we are loved........

WE are loved.  Freedom to love your world,...in the manner you wish to love your world....is freedom....is love.  Open your arms wider....and revel in it.

WE are loved.  Why?....because we choose to love others.  Without judgment and ridicule.  We open our arms and we love....in the manner we wish to be loved.

We have the choice of dreaming to achieve.  We continue to achieve our goals.  ...and we believe in ourselves....we don't require "that good gentleman" to believe in us in order to achieve our goals.

Yes, we do yearn for "that good gentleman" still.

And somewhere out there, is your "good gentleman"...whether you meet him or not (and I like many single women do wish to)  This "good gentleman" will also revel in your achievements, knowing you must sacrifice so much in life and you must work hard, to achieve your impossible dream.  You will meet him one day and he will know....you are that "good woman"....and at days end, when you have completed your list of to do's and made note to many other aspiring women via your blog encouraging them to achieve their beliefs....

So what is your misfortune should you not meet that "good gentleman"...none.  For your impossible dream is achieved and you know you are loved

And should you meet that "good gentleman"....both he and you will know love.....and as you enter those closing efforts to your blog....you will feel his arms envelope you.....LOVE...."when you are ready"....he will whisper in your ear....and like always.  You will know.  You are loved, for you have Loved.....and you fight hard, to LOVE more.

My beautiful friends.  I complete this blog knowing that June Bug, Ry Cooder and Baby Gaby await me in my bed.   I will achieve very little sleeps as they shuffle for space on our tiny mattress.  Yet one by one, I will hug each with a thank you kiss.....for I am loved.  Irregardless of when my "good gentleman" shall arrive.  I am loved by my most beautiful of achievements,.....because at 1:37 am, even without me cuddled next to them, they still believe in my why's, how's, what's & where's of my time spent blogging love and hope  to those of whom I believe in and their why's, how's, what's & where's ....good night.   V xo