GTOC Blog #64 Bringing forward the Backward

If you are here listening to what I have to say then there was or could one day be a tragic moment in your life when you feel your entire life force being drained, being pulled from your existence.  You will always remember that moment for the rest of your life.

Then there is that moment you stood and fought for your life force.   You physically reached your hands out either pulling it back inside or fighting off the possibility of losing it, fists raised, defiant.  You will always remember that day too.

What about the in between time?   Your time frame, in the process of losing or gaining.  The struggle blurs in comparison to to loss and the triumph.  The difficult questions are, what did you do to lose it? and what did you do to gain it.  What can I do to ensure this struggle not only achieves what I need it to, but that I will sustain the gain and never have to lose it or fight for it again.  But here is the bigger question.  What is IT?

"IT "  is your human right to greatness.
"IT" is your belief that you deserve greatness.

"IT" is when you are bouncing on your father's knee and you believe him when he says "You can be anything you want to be when you grow up"
"IT" is you becoming your greatness you deserve.

There are a million reasons why we can lose faith in "IT"
There is only one way to get faith in "IT" back.....believe!!!!

It may take many steps to learn how to believe again, but the fact that you once so easily did believe, should encourage you that to believe in you is possible once again.

You learn to "BELIEVE IN YOU" again
Then you will learn to "DREAM" again
And you will "PROTECT YOUR DREAM" because you remember what it was like to live without one
And When you Protect Your Dream, you will Learn Once Again to "LOVE YOUR LIFE" with childlike eyes of wonderment that know no barriers
Then having been "without" you will yearn to protect the Dreams of Life for others,  Your Love of Living will be Infectious and in becoming such "YOU WILL MEAN SOMETHING TO YOUR WORLD"

THE WORLD WILL BE A BETTER PLACE BECAUSE YOU WERE HERE.

So here is where I come in.
You will hear how I lost my Dream.
You will witness my regaining my Dream.
You will feel my childish wonderment that knows no Barriers in my Love of Life,
Because I will share how I am sustaining it.  Through all the trials and struggles that remain, life remains a wonderment, and that Wonderment is Infectious.

Step by step, together we share Love Of Life.  It is our human responsibility to share this, for if we are not making someone else's life better, we are wasting our time, wasting our own life.

The Steps begin from here.  Subscribe, watch, join in, leave comments. learn, love, talk.

We are in this together, you and me.  There is no failure unless you simply decide not to try.  So put it in your mind that YOU are guaranteed to succeed.

This is the Journey that proclaims to our world,
I Want my Life to mean something!,
I want my work to mean something!,
I want my family to mean something!.

GTOC is just the beginning.  From here we work together on the four cornerstones that sustain our lives.
Click on the beginning or click on the end.  It doesn't matter, this is your journey.
Just Do it,
Just Start the Journey,
Because Success is the Journey.....V

GTOC Blog #63 Walking the Dog in tune.

I try to only walk Junipers at night.  She is black as night and the sun is her nemesis in the summer heat.  In the winter, snow ravages her paws.  We are given limited time and space within which we can walk together.  We both need the movement.  She's only 5 and I am only 50....yet we conquer on our physical pains of age.

June's routine represents the animalistic routine of marking territory.

Mine involves the random shuffle of the most played list on my phone.  Head phones in, we enter the world of 99 problems.  We are both bitches in my world but the song dictates we are not a part of the problem....we pace through  remembering the woman, the bitch who made our life hell.  She withheld money for food while spending thousands on duplicates of clothing never to be worn due to her wish to have my model frame versus her own plump one and consistently purchasing clothing more suited to mine than her  own.  Yet I was the bitch with the problems, because I had no one to stand for me.  No strong man to tell me I was beautiful.  Therefore I was ugly and because her husband thought me beautiful and desired sex from me at times, those long times she  was adverse to him.....

Wow fantastic baby....I wanna dance baby,  on the day he told you it turned him on for you to have power over men.  You were dared.  You were scared because you were nothing and ugly, but you chose to please him.  You thought this was love.  You walked in, you saw, you directed, you took, from many, you made notes, you left behind a souvenier (your soul in the form of pink lace heart and rhinestones) and you called him.  He was busy.  His wife sensed you.

I Like it Comon Comon Comon,  SandM, SandM, SandM, ... when you finally met, there were inquiries.  He couldn't wait to hear what you had accomplished that his wife would not.  It turned him on.  You thought this was love.  So you recanted how the multitudes beat you down.  Defiled you.  He got hard.  You thought this was love.  Yet somewhere in the back of your mind you asked yourself about the pain of the back of their hands....

I am on this fast track, it's just a regular two man show.....  so you visited his friend.  She was his other girlfriend, but you didn't know and she didn't know.  You became better friends without him.  but he asked and you thought it was love.  So the two of you found a victim for the fast track, who could resist?  We did an adventure that would numb our worlds, and you took notes.  You recanted while he got hard.  You thought this was love.

The cycle repeated as explosions broke in the sky... so dating was an option.  Someone for my own. Separate from the shame of the adverse wife.  I picked an old friend.  His insanity ruled.  You became encumbered in blood.  Fear brought the courage of laughter.  You dared laughter only to discover he'd beaten the last who found laughter in fear.  Icicles filled your blood.

Back door lover, always hiding neath the covers.....  and this beautiful man found you....walk this way.....but by now you only knew how to serve sex.....Just give me a kiss....like this  conversation was not your forte, intelligence was buried in juices of  the tongue, of the places mom refuse to tell you about.  You thought this was love.

Maneater make you work hard, make you spend hard,  so you met the user.  The juvenile that would abuse you from the day you met.  It was all you knew, sex and "dis" responsiblity.....you kept him till the day you begged the police to remove him from your life.  Fear hurt you and your children.  Endings were better.

This is the End, Hold your Breath and Count to Ten, Feel the Earth Move and then, Hear my Heart burst again......  so all men were kept away.....swept away and stolen,  as a team, as a family we crumbled and rebuilt together, we became strong,  we will stand tall and face it all together as sky falls,  ... put your hand in my hand and we will stay.....  family rocked the world.  We faced it all together, we are love.  We forgave.  We stood tall.  The sky fell in on us and we stood tall.  All others faded away, including "him".  We found love.

 I finally discovered love.  

It didn't use me. "I saw a spider and I didn't scream, 'cause I can belch the alphabet, just double dog dare me, and I chose guitar over ballet and I take these suckers down, cause they just get in my way!"
It didn't abuse me. "I was left to my own devices, many days fell away with nothing to show and the walls fell around in the city we love, but if you close your eyes does it feel like nothing's changed at all..."
It opened its arms to me and I to them. "we are not your kind of people, you seem kinda funny, everythings alive, we are not your kind of people, something in your make up don't seem eye to eye, We are not your kinda people, don't want to be like you ever in our lives, "
It was alive."this shiney city built of gold, far cry from innocence, there's more than meets the eye round here, in the waters of the deep, its the beast and harlot," 
It couldn't end. "you change your mind like a girl changes clothes!"
Each morning it was there. "Maybe I need some rehab or maybe just need some sleep, I gotta a sick obsession, I am seein it in my dreams..."
It was ready to fly my nest. "Is this the real life, is this just fantasy, got in a landslide, no escape from reality.."
It's okay.  I will cry.  "Another blinger with the slick finger trick for the magesty,  another one with the golden tongue poisoning your fantasy,  another bill from the killer to a thrill of a tragedy yeah door is open, woman walking by, a drunk in the water, a look in your eye, a comb on the table,  a man on your side, a someone that you think that you can trust, ... it's just another way to die!!!" 
Juniper and I will go on walks and cry to the tunes again when you are gone. "I heard a distant early warning,  but I chose to ignore it,  it came back and bit me!!  "
But the tunes will be different. "Take me down to the very last city, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty,  oh won't you please take me home"
They are the tunes of true love. "I have love, oh babe I will travel, oh I have love, oh babe I will travel, I said if you need a lovin oh babe I will travel"
Not the end of love. " Feelin my way through the darkness, guided by a beaten heart,  I can't tell where the journey will end, but I know where it'll start."
Simply stronger love. "you tell all the boys no, makes you feel good, yeah...you've carried on so long you couldn't stop if you tried it,  you built your walls so high that no one could climb it, but I'm gonna try,  would you let me see beneath your beautiful, would you let me see beneath your perfect...."
Love out there in the world. "you let all the girls go, makes you feel good, don't it.  Behind your broadway show I heard a voice say please don't hurt me.  You've carried on so long you couldn't stop if you tried it,   You built your walls so high that no one could climb it, but I'm gonna try, would you let me  see beneath your beautiful, would you let me see beneath your perfect.  Take it off now boy, take if off now boy, I wanna see inside, would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight.
That no matter where you are music will always carry you home to me. "give me love like ours" 
I am scared to be alone without you. "cause lately I've been waking up alone."
So I cry sometimes while I am out walking Juniper, listening to the tunes you put on my phone.  "and I have found my corner"
I will be somewhere in the world "maybe tonight I'll call you"
And put my earphones in. "after my blood turns into alcohol"
And know, you are there with me. "oh I just want to hold you" 
In my soul "give a little time to me"
Because you are mine. "I promise  I will play hide an seek" 
And I am yours. "mommia, mommia, give me love, mommia mommia give me love oh love"
LOVE.  Mom  xo

GTOC Blog #62 The Peter Pan Syndrome!!

Somewhere in the past couple years, there was a joy that escaped me.  Today it arrived on my window sill, and I smiled....I remembered how to fly!!

Life gets supremely difficult at times.  To say it is hard would be an understatement.  I used to know how to laugh my way through anything.  My Dad as much as I revere him, could be a grumpy old curmudgeon, yet I was his "happy pill".  That was back when I used to dream of flying.  Lately, I have dreamed of crashing, running, escaping.  How did I forget how to fly?

I started to witness the lives my children were "living".  When did we stop slopping in puddles?  When did we start racing through chores so we could go play a video game....alone?  It used to be stopping in puddles was as much a part of our everyday fun fantasy as picking up dog poop and seeing who could shovel toss it the furthest!!!  Somehow, I stopped showing my children how to fly!

Yesterday, I took my kids to the fair.  I havn't been on rides except the ferris wheel with them in years!  When did I become so fearful of life?  My daughter and my boys took one look at the flying ride and exclaimed how much we just had to do it!!  I began thinking all the excuses.  I am not young.  They are all teens, why did they want me of all people to go on a silly ride with them?  Yet the sparkle of excitement in all their eyes glistened.  "Come on Mom, we can fly!!" , and something began to glisten in me too, it was contagious!

We entered two by two.  My daughter protectively next to me, my sons bringing up the rear.  I lay down on the platform as the carny lowered the safety brace.  Immediately I cringed in claustrophobia. I was wedged in and began to panic.  Breathing rapidly, tears exploded from my eyes and I began grasping for space.  I told my daughter I needed to scream.  She said "Mom, don't scream.  Just move your body forward".   Her head was high and free and clear; mine was wedged into the base.  Clearly I had forgotten how to fly.

Like a turtle I stuck my head forward and again I panicked.  I said, "I am going to freak out, I can't do this"  and my daughter reached out and held my hand as the ride began.

She said "Mom, stretch out your arms, you are Peter Pan!!" as we rose high into the sky.  For the moment I forgot my claustrophobia and I yelled back, "you are Wendy and we are flying!!"

I don't know if I forgot my fear or remembered how to fly, however soon the pure joy of laughter exited my mouth.  Tears exploded free in the wind.  Hand in hand, I was Peter and she, Wendy and we were flying to Neverland!  With every rise brought a new onslaught of the pure joy in laughter and with every dip, I breathed, only to rise to joy once again.  The crowd stared on.  No one ever laughed this hysterically.  The  carny stared with complete disenchantment.  In true Peter Pan form, I didn't care.  I Was Flying!!!

As we exited the ride, as always too soon, my children gathered around me.  I saw the glistening excitement in their eyes that I had seen when they were young and we were so poor, we couldn't afford a single ride at the fair, so we splashed in puddles; snakes were our toys; frogs were for chasing, and we flew every night in our dreams.  

My children reminded me how to fly!  Isn't that the epitome of life and parenting and love?

Sometimes we work so hard to make everything okay for our children, that we lose ourselves in the effort and then we can't understand why they simply do not have the zest for life we thought we taught them.  Maybe, just perhaps, life becomes more real and flying becomes a true reality when our children come back to us with the lessons we fought so hard to provide for them.  Maybe, just maybe, tonight as each approaches and kisses my cheek good night while I work away so ardently to provide a better future for them, maybe, they will head to bed and join me on the window sill of real life and together again we fly.  Hand in hand.....it is our time to fly.  Vxo

GTOC Blog #61 100 Voice Documentary, The written Journey commences July 9th 2015

Have you ever entered a grade school and wondered how many of the kids had breakfast that morning; lunch that afternoon; supper before bed?

Have you ever entered a high school and wondered how many of the youth were going home to empty houses?

Have you ever paid attention to the kids on the street, thought any of these things or did you hold your wallet/purse tighter?

Have you ever stopped and looked at your own beautiful child and wondered if anyone ever wondered these things about them?

Did your child have breakfast this morning?  Does your child know what a condiment sandwich is?

Did your child often come home to an empty house because you had to work more than one job? 

Did your child ever wander the streets looking for you worried if you could make it home safely?

Did you ever look at your child with an exhausted love knowing you would give anything in the world for their lives to be better and notice they were looking back at you with that same exhausted loving look?

Do you remember the day a wild turkey landed in your back yard and you reached for the ax to kill it because you hadn’t fed your kids in a few days, knowing you would bite its freaking head off if necessary, even though you were deadly allergic to it and then you collapsed with starvation and exhaustion before completing the desperate thought? [1]

In the world today,

·         21,000 children die every day on average = 7.6 Million children per year, every year. [2]

·          “…a single parent who's just scraping by and has little time, energy or skill for parental duties and might have children who are at risk for a variety of problems.” [3]

·         About one-fifth of children live in single-parent households. United States (27 percent), the United Kingdom (24 percent), and New Zealand (24 percent).Many European countries have projected the proportion of children living with single parents to grow through 2030.”  [4]

·          “Of white children born since 1980 in the US, about 50% will spend some part of their childhood in a single parent family. For black children the proportion is about 80%. [5]

·         “Fatherlessness is one of the greatest social problems in Canada.”  [6]

·          “Parental alienation is a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child's campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parents indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the target parent. The alienation usually extends to the non-custodial parent's family and friends as well.”  [7]

·         “24 million children (34 percent) live absent their biological father, Nearly 20 million children (27 percent) live in single-parent homes. [8]

This is general overview of the stats on our children.  Children we have sworn to protect, that don’t have a chance based on the 1 in 4 stat of the issues they will face due to family breakdown.  Now I am angry!  I have 4 children.  Which one will I give up to these percentages?  I exclaim a resounding “yes” to every single question at the beginning of this rant.  Do you ever walk down the street saying, “there’s a statistic waiting to happen” and feel nothing except contempt for the persons who brought them into this world?  What about that child/youth/adult that never had a chance in our system because of our laws?  We are the ones that voted in these laws.  We created those statistics.  I am part of the “we”.  I am also part of the percentage that wants to change our children’s statistics and there is a part of me that is angered of fighting with the world to step up and be human! 

I am angry because my fellow humans abandon their own children, because these children statistically don’t stand a chance to succeed, because these children are our adults of tomorrow, if they survive.

I am angry because they are the innocents; we make them suffer for our egos; I am part of the “we”.

I am angry because everyone is so busy placing blame, they don’t take responsibility for their role where the answer is to be human, to continue as a race, to ensure our world is okay, to stand up, to convince the world to invest in the solution that should have never been a problem and no matter how hard I try, statistically one of my four children won’t make it.

We live in Canada.  Canada is the land of the free and the brave.  Where are our children?  Where are your children?  Which child are you willing to give up to the statistics of our world?  How much are you willing to save that child, any child? Ask me how to make change happen.  I have an idea.  That is my message.

The child needs to speak; because we single parents statistically can’t get it right for their futures.  The system works against us.  It is the child that will change the system.  Let’s afford them the voice we are too chicken shit or exhausted to give. 

The child needs to be heard; 100 Voices Documentary is only the beginning through empowering our youth to express their experiences in poverty due to family breakdown and ensure they are listened to.  There are 24 million voices yet to go.  We have to start somewhere.  I want to be a part of the solution that will ensure I don’t have to decide which one of my four children won’t make it.   I want to stop being included in the uselessness of the “we” and support the power inside of the “them” that will prove to the “system” that change must be made, for all our futures.  It is time to listen to our youth; let’s set the right example; they will one day rule our world.  Be a part of the solution, support 100 Voices Documentary.

Interpolation

[1]I am asked to attend workshops to discuss methods of alleviating poverty because I am usually the only person in the room who has lived the role and is able to vividly express a moment in the thoughts of an impoverished single mom.  “Did you see that 5 year old kid on the street with the curly floppy hair that no one has cut in the past 2 years, on his skooter, and when you look around him you see no one is actually paying attention to his wellbeing, and he smiles this huge smile at you like he’s got the world by its star fired tail, he is filthy, but his smile shines on his stumped teeth that will one day make him ugly, but you see the smile in his bouncy sky blue eyes and wonder if there is hope for him, yet his baby sitter is stoned on her front porch, dreaming off into a non-existent world, because this was probably the only babysitter that mother could afford because these damn theatrical vultures know the vulnerability of a single mom and instead of stopping to chastise her to ensure the safety of this beautiful young boy with no future, you race home, because one job just ended and the other will begin soon and his firey blue eyes burn into your soul reminiscent of your own child awaiting your comforting safety before you walk out the door again to the second job that just might pay for food this week?”

Sources

[2]"Poverty Facts and Stats." - Global Issues. Web. 8 July 2015. <http://www.globalissues.org/article/26/poverty-facts-and-stats>.

[3]"Does Single Parenting Affect Children? - HowStuffWorks."HowStuffWorks. Web. 8 July 2015. <http://lifestyle.howstuffworks.com/family/parenting/single-parents/single-parenting-affect-children.htm>.

[4]"World Family Map 2014." World Family Map 2014. Web. 8 July 2015. <http://worldfamilymap.org/2014/articles/world-family-indicators/family-structure>.

[5]"Absent Fathers Linked to Economic Pressures." Absent Fathers Linked to Economic Pressures. Web. 8 July 2015. <http://www.unicef.org/pon96/inabsent.htm>.

[6]"Canadian Children's Rights Council - Conseil Canadien Des Droits Des Enfants." Fatherlessness in Canada, Statistics, Fatherlessness Children Studies. Web. 8 July 2015. <http://www.canadiancrc.com/Fatherlessness/Fatherlessness_in_Canada.aspx>.

[7]"Canadian Children's Rights Council - Conseil Canadien Des Droits Des Enfants." Parental Alienation Syndrome, PAS, Parental Alienation in Divorce, Children's Rights, Canada. Web. 8 July 2015. http://www.canadiancrc.com/Parental_Alienation_Syndrome_Canada/Parental_Alienation.aspx>.

[8]"Statistics." The Fatherless Generation. 6 Apr. 2010. Web. 8 July 2015. <https://thefatherlessgeneration.wordpress.com/statistics/>.

GTOC Blog #55 And so Dad. Here we go.

Where did you want to be by this time in your life?

Me, I wanted to own my own Corporation.  Help others.  Live Arts.  Travel to not so common places....learn about real life.

Who were my heros?  I am not sure I had any until approximately 10 years ago.

I look at my time pre 10 years ago, like it wasn't real.  I have always been able to turn away from the daily struggles and pains to look forward, real or unreal....my focus has always been on the world I foresee for myself, my children and those who's cause I hold dear.

When it kicked into my brain that my Dad was not fighting for his life, he was definitely slowly dieing, something inside of me screamed.  That inside scream has lasted a long time now.  I took up studying everything I remembered of my Dad.  Some of the struggles he endured held similarities to my own.  But mostly, our true likeness I hold dear to is our ability to smile, to hold strong and to help others to do the same.

As I look back though, the one thing my Father never did, was to allow others to affect his family.  He always held his family strong.  And when we were weak he held strong for us.

I am not my Dad.  However, he is my hero. Someone I attain to be like.  Am I as hard on my children?  No.  I can make every excuse in the world why I am not, but truthfully, I simply want to love them.   Every moment I spend with them strengthens my resolve to support their goals, not my own and not the "way of the world".  I can't blame my Dad for teaching me that my role was only to be a Mom or a woman who worked small jobs till she became a Mom.  It was the "way of the world" he believed in.

I can however tell you, that my life lessons and my time as a Mom have taught me strengths that were natural to my Dad.  Somehow by my age I am just starting to see, hear & experience the world he once lived.  It is a world he lived at a very young age.  It is how he became a world traveled story teller.

Today one of my teacher's asked me if there was anything I had never done.  My mind doesn't go to that side.  Instead I responded, "I once jumped off a cliff".  I could have told him I fell off one too, but instead I told him,  "Always in life there are opportunities.  If you see them, you can say yes to them.  I always looked for them and I always said yes."

There is so much more I am ready to do.  Remember my list of what I thought I would achieve by this time in my life?

Well,....

I do own my own corporation....time to make it effective.
I am still helping others.....time to make my corporation take social enterprise to mainstream business.
I live Art.  The corporation owns the boutique.  I surround myself with the influence of Artists everyday.......the logo of the Boutique....."Life is an Art".
Travel to not so common places.....this is the brunt of my current research.......there is something inside of me yearning to meet those in the world who have suffered greatest tragedies.  I am terrified because I absorb their essence.  Yet how can I not be near them when I know I can make them smile.  I don't know how I know...I simply feel it.  Their smiles, will be beginnings to new worlds.  For them and for me.

Our global world is our real world of today.  It's not the world I grew up in.  It's the world my father traveled but brought home within his stories.  Our global world of today holds truths.  Truths the media can not relay, because it cannot be done without bias.

Since the boutique has opened, several people have returned repeatedly, because they enjoy the little bit of culture we try to express.  Something I fear is missing in our smaller world.  Something I have taught my children from the time of their births, that exists for them in the larger global world.  I ask many questions of these patrons.  Maybe too many questions because often they don't return for longer periods of time.  But they always return.

My question....teach me of your experiences in the Global world.

In 2015, my time arrives to venture forth.  Where will I go?   What will I do?  Evidently, I will fulfill my goals.  What ever I do,.....those goals I set forth in my pre teens are coming to fruition.  Even life's undescribable detours cannot affect these final goals.

And so I posted today a response to my youngest son of his query of "true happiness"....

"true happiness comes from inside you, from accepting yourself, both your gifts and your faults. Be grateful for both. Then look outside of yourself and be thankful for the beauty that surrounds you. The bugs, the leaves....the sky. They support who you are inside and ask you to let the world see and feel truly you. This my dear is the strongest of strengths and your beautiful true gift to the world." 

And so Dad.  Here we go.  Perhaps an unconventional journey in your eyes, for your daughter, but one I know you understand as a heart who loved the world.
I am terrified.  But that hasn't stopped me prior either.  I have haters of my strengths, that never stopped you either.  Mostly though, people now show a strength in love of spirit.  Something that might have been difficult to express in your time.  Some of those people remember you Dad.  But mostly, I remember you.  I remember moments you afforded to me, because of who I am.

I could say I miss you.  I could say I wish you were here to help me to feel safe.  But you were my role model.  You were/are my hero.  Someone for me to attain to. You instilled in me a strong, unjudgemental, love of the world that not everyone understands.

So I know you walk with me Dad.  Remember that gateway to anywhere you built for us kids?
It's my turn to walk through.
Thank you for showing me how......xoxo Niki     .... Vxo

GTOC Blog#54 A New Version of Lonely Love Vxo

The last few weeks have been quite interesting, as a Mom and a Student and a Business Person.

I am going to back up.  For the last 10 years of the 18 of my marriage I went to bed every night huddled as far into the bed frame as I could, praying for a freedom from a world I was manipulated into accepting as my reality.  I remember my exact prayer,  "Please God, find a way to change my life positively for me and my children, that is acceptable to my personal being.  I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to remain within the world I was in."  For 10 years I cried this.  At night snuggled up to the hard bed frame, and in the morning I sobbed while the water ran for my bath.  10 years.  That is a long time worthy of being labelled a lifetime.

Now let me bring life forward.  10 years ago my husband and the father of my children left.  He abandoned us.  He left the country.  Life has been hard.  A struggle of grand proportions.  I was okay with that.  I have held true to my belief.  "I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than remain within the hell I was living."

So I tried the dating.  Never having truly dated, everyone I dated was disasterous!!  So I stopped dating.
I am okay with that too.  Yes I have wishful moments of a full true traditional family like so many of my friends, but I am okay with not ever having that.

Lets bring time to current.  Today.

My heart broke today.  I was always okay with being alone, as long as I had my children near.  This past year my children have had varying degrees of separation from me.  None as devastating as today's.  I do have permanent damage.  I am first and foremost a Mom.  I would give up my world to not have felt today's degree of separation.

Being alone from my children never entered my thoughts during the 10 years of prayer, or the last 10 years of struggle.  It is however inevitable.  Preparations need be.  Of course I am integrating next stages of Momhood into filling my life with Workhood.  But combine this Momhood degree of separation with the Workhood degree of disrespect from the women I put my whole family at risk for in order to help.  This is lonely.  A combined lonely I never expected.

I will refigure and and will cope.

However, here is what I want everyone to know.  Sometimes love is lonely and that is okay.  Sometimes love and lonely needs a strength beyond our known capabilities and that is okay too.

It is in these moments that we fully address love for our own person.  Sometimes we feel entirely alone.  It is that personal love for self that will "hug" you through these difficult times.

In the morning.  Love how the leaves bud/grow/fall from the trees as you sip your morning coffee.
In the afternoon.  Love how the sun sparkles across the water as you lunch alone on the bay.
In the evening.  Love how the stars sparkle over you.

One of my new favorite quotes, "Eat Diamonds in the morning and sparkle all day."

It isn't always the easy road to sparkle when wallowing deep with your depths of alone.  However, when you love you, sparkle is easier.

Life is about the journey.
Build your structure of Love, even when it hurts.
Allow Love of Life to rule your emotion.

And my friends!!!!First and foremost for you!!!!
Eat Diamonds for Breakfast and Sparkle All Day
Vxo

GTOC Blog #53 Bring it ON World!!!!

Most days I am still pretty scared of life....the who's, the what's, the when's, and the how's....more so though I am more afraid of of not reacting to life.

I LIVE LIFE OUT LOUD.  What does this mean to me?  Life is amazing and I want everyone to feel that way too.  I meet people who accept life,....that's not for me....I meet people who challenge life....that is not me either, then I meet those people who KNOW life.... Thank you people.  You are those that I watch, I study, I want as a part of my life.  In you I have found home.  I don't believe there is anything wrong with accepting or challenging life....it simply is not for me.

In the past 10 years, I have met many, many people.  People I would never had the chance to meet if I had never had the opportunity to a second chance at life.  I have met people who loved me,...at least till it suited them not to.  I have met people who are my hero's....and I try to tell them often.  I have learned to hug people I have just met, when something inside of me says, they need a hug.  I reach out to people across the world, with a virtual hug, a note of encouragement, a thank you for inspiring me....None of these would I ever have been allowed to enjoy in my life, without the gift of a second chance.  I am the happiest I have been in my entire life!

Today I have a feeling someone I hugged thought I was gay (not that there is anything wrong with that, in my most Seinfeldian voice), but because they reacted within our conversations where I made note that I refuse to date any man, perhaps ever.  Not out of hurt or hatred, but simply because I have these goals.  Goals bigger than me.  That I know I won't come close to achieving by dividing my focus to the needs of a partner.  I am already a Mother of  4, I help women across the world find their worth, I am building a corporation based on the mainstream business of social enterprise and re-educating our masses of it's business worth, I am bringing together the industrial youth of our world that will solve the world's hangups based solely on their inspirationally youthful and unrestricted thoughts, I am representing Local Artists with the attempt to represent them through a National Forum, I am returning to a final year of College with the National Average Prize goal as mine own..... And I am the happiest I have ever been in my life.  Why,??  Because I have done none of this alone, I have done this with the Love of My Family, The Support of my Children, The Trust of my Community and The Inspiration of my World. Pretty tough to give THAT up!!!

And yet, there have been tragedies within my world that have rocked it's foundations.

My father died.  Secretly, I have yet to mourn this.  I know he counted on me to make him happy.  "his happy pill".  I was robbed of him for so many years, perhaps I feel now I have his unlimited audience.  Is it really necessary that I mourn his death over celebrating his accomplishments in life?

My growing up family, so physically supportive in my time of need became offended by my growths of strengths resulting from my lack of need of their hands on efforts. Entirely in thankfulness of them, I am eternally grateful for every second I have been allowed to witness their happiness, to witness their achievements in lifes and loves.  I understand parts of their anguish towards me.  But do they understand my world that was abused in guilts and trusts.  Do they begin to understand how I cannot face specific obstacles in life because of those abuses?  There are specific one's I won't even attempt to address myself, how can I expect them to decifer any?

My children, ... I am not pausing here for effect, I pause because this will be a continuous battle, worth my every effort and negating all efforts in ANY other endeavor.    My children have each been my world from the moment of their conceptions.  I lost so many, but the 4 I gained made me whole.  For the first time in my life with each child I became more human.  Each child has taught me more about humanity and more about my self worth.  However because of my life, my children have suffered.  There are ways to suffer, only these children will know.  I acknowledge them.  In such, we never fight.  We calmly express hurt.  We respect our walks of frustrations.  And we give the spaces of love to self heal.  What ever else happens in my world, my children will pull in my attention, devotion and love,...as it should be.  As with most single mom's we understand that there is no lessening in love due to an absent father, there is simply a growth in our love & respect for our children.

So I made the comment "bring on the world"!!

I meet people around the world every day who "discuss" their worlds.  Men, Women, Children.  I am in awe of them for they add solutions of happiness to their lives in spite of their  anguishes.  My company GTOC enhances their efforts from simply helping women around the world to creating a youth world that supports  and teaches sustainability to women and others internationally and at home in each global community.  I am scared of this adventure and proud of it's early accomplishments.

This evening my son Gabriel went for a walk of "frustration".  I understand it, we Monster Lockyer's live a life different to most families, even different from most single mom families.  I gave Gabriel the safety guidelines of  being home by a specific time.  5 minutes past this time, the remaining family lockyer's had a networked gameplan in effect, Conor, Sissy and myself.  Evening was approaching.  There was no room for error.

Gabriel arrived home while his family search party was gridlocking EastHill.  We have chatted 4 times since then.  Some of my regard.  Some of his.  There is no yelling in this house, it is not who I am.  There is love, respect and hugs.  Three of our chats enclosed those.  The fourth, .... laughter.  Because Love envelopes Laughter.

I am very afraid of my world.  For 20 years of my life I was trained in fear.  For the first 20 and the last 10, I have been held with Love.  If you ever find yourself in a position to judge women who do not act in accordance with your beliefs, I want you to sit, breathe, and listen to their truths.

Their Growing up family life,
Their Partner(s),
Their Children,
Their rememerabance of themselves,
Their Goals,
Their Tragedies,
Their Loves,
Their Lives.
First Love them because they had the strength to tell you of their Lives.
Then Love You because you had the strength to hear their Lives.
Then Love them because they gave you the respect to tell you their Lives.

Then Love you, because if you didn't know how to love yourself, you could have experienced that life you have only heard of  from these women.

Then be afraid, if you do not feel.  Ask yourself, are you jaded?  or do you hand out unconditional respect?

I am afraid.  I meet and try to assist enough women that cannot understand their own self worth that I have begun to doubt it.  I am correcting myself and became afraid of mine own self worth.  I corrected myself again and began to understand the self worth of those I try to assist.  You, Me & Us.

Funny enough, I have never been afraid of my level of love for women and girls from around the world.  The level that says, no matter what, I will try to help you to help yourself and I believe in you.  In this there is no fear.

My fears lie within.  In my own world where people are jaded.  In my community where at risk women are labelled "head cases".  In my world where the government pulls programs to properly assist at risk immigrant and refuge women from  enduring the resiliency of the world they are struggling to overcome.  With these, my fear is to stand.  Yet I stand with respect and  love for those who struggle.
Today I struggle with all the fears instilled within my person over 20 years, yet I stand against them for others who have or might endure so much more.  BRING IT ON WORLD!  Here we stand in fear, love, tragedy, endurance, worthiness to ensure change.  For it is the recipies of our world, in this order that will instill this healthy world into our youth for the recipie of international  love, endurance and sustainable acceptance of our persons.  Vxo