Most days I am still pretty scared of life....the who's, the what's, the when's, and the how's....more so though I am more afraid of of not reacting to life.
I LIVE LIFE OUT LOUD. What does this mean to me? Life is amazing and I want everyone to feel that way too. I meet people who accept life,....that's not for me....I meet people who challenge life....that is not me either, then I meet those people who KNOW life.... Thank you people. You are those that I watch, I study, I want as a part of my life. In you I have found home. I don't believe there is anything wrong with accepting or challenging life....it simply is not for me.
In the past 10 years, I have met many, many people. People I would never had the chance to meet if I had never had the opportunity to a second chance at life. I have met people who loved me,...at least till it suited them not to. I have met people who are my hero's....and I try to tell them often. I have learned to hug people I have just met, when something inside of me says, they need a hug. I reach out to people across the world, with a virtual hug, a note of encouragement, a thank you for inspiring me....None of these would I ever have been allowed to enjoy in my life, without the gift of a second chance. I am the happiest I have been in my entire life!
Today I have a feeling someone I hugged thought I was gay (not that there is anything wrong with that, in my most Seinfeldian voice), but because they reacted within our conversations where I made note that I refuse to date any man, perhaps ever. Not out of hurt or hatred, but simply because I have these goals. Goals bigger than me. That I know I won't come close to achieving by dividing my focus to the needs of a partner. I am already a Mother of 4, I help women across the world find their worth, I am building a corporation based on the mainstream business of social enterprise and re-educating our masses of it's business worth, I am bringing together the industrial youth of our world that will solve the world's hangups based solely on their inspirationally youthful and unrestricted thoughts, I am representing Local Artists with the attempt to represent them through a National Forum, I am returning to a final year of College with the National Average Prize goal as mine own..... And I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. Why,?? Because I have done none of this alone, I have done this with the Love of My Family, The Support of my Children, The Trust of my Community and The Inspiration of my World. Pretty tough to give THAT up!!!
And yet, there have been tragedies within my world that have rocked it's foundations.
My father died. Secretly, I have yet to mourn this. I know he counted on me to make him happy. "his happy pill". I was robbed of him for so many years, perhaps I feel now I have his unlimited audience. Is it really necessary that I mourn his death over celebrating his accomplishments in life?
My growing up family, so physically supportive in my time of need became offended by my growths of strengths resulting from my lack of need of their hands on efforts. Entirely in thankfulness of them, I am eternally grateful for every second I have been allowed to witness their happiness, to witness their achievements in lifes and loves. I understand parts of their anguish towards me. But do they understand my world that was abused in guilts and trusts. Do they begin to understand how I cannot face specific obstacles in life because of those abuses? There are specific one's I won't even attempt to address myself, how can I expect them to decifer any?
My children, ... I am not pausing here for effect, I pause because this will be a continuous battle, worth my every effort and negating all efforts in ANY other endeavor. My children have each been my world from the moment of their conceptions. I lost so many, but the 4 I gained made me whole. For the first time in my life with each child I became more human. Each child has taught me more about humanity and more about my self worth. However because of my life, my children have suffered. There are ways to suffer, only these children will know. I acknowledge them. In such, we never fight. We calmly express hurt. We respect our walks of frustrations. And we give the spaces of love to self heal. What ever else happens in my world, my children will pull in my attention, devotion and love,...as it should be. As with most single mom's we understand that there is no lessening in love due to an absent father, there is simply a growth in our love & respect for our children.
So I made the comment "bring on the world"!!
I meet people around the world every day who "discuss" their worlds. Men, Women, Children. I am in awe of them for they add solutions of happiness to their lives in spite of their anguishes. My company GTOC enhances their efforts from simply helping women around the world to creating a youth world that supports and teaches sustainability to women and others internationally and at home in each global community. I am scared of this adventure and proud of it's early accomplishments.
This evening my son Gabriel went for a walk of "frustration". I understand it, we Monster Lockyer's live a life different to most families, even different from most single mom families. I gave Gabriel the safety guidelines of being home by a specific time. 5 minutes past this time, the remaining family lockyer's had a networked gameplan in effect, Conor, Sissy and myself. Evening was approaching. There was no room for error.
Gabriel arrived home while his family search party was gridlocking EastHill. We have chatted 4 times since then. Some of my regard. Some of his. There is no yelling in this house, it is not who I am. There is love, respect and hugs. Three of our chats enclosed those. The fourth, .... laughter. Because Love envelopes Laughter.
I am very afraid of my world. For 20 years of my life I was trained in fear. For the first 20 and the last 10, I have been held with Love. If you ever find yourself in a position to judge women who do not act in accordance with your beliefs, I want you to sit, breathe, and listen to their truths.
Their Growing up family life,
Their Partner(s),
Their Children,
Their rememerabance of themselves,
Their Goals,
Their Tragedies,
Their Loves,
Their Lives.
First Love them because they had the strength to tell you of their Lives.
Then Love You because you had the strength to hear their Lives.
Then Love them because they gave you the respect to tell you their Lives.
Then Love you, because if you didn't know how to love yourself, you could have experienced that life you have only heard of from these women.
Then be afraid, if you do not feel. Ask yourself, are you jaded? or do you hand out unconditional respect?
I am afraid. I meet and try to assist enough women that cannot understand their own self worth that I have begun to doubt it. I am correcting myself and became afraid of mine own self worth. I corrected myself again and began to understand the self worth of those I try to assist. You, Me & Us.
Funny enough, I have never been afraid of my level of love for women and girls from around the world. The level that says, no matter what, I will try to help you to help yourself and I believe in you. In this there is no fear.
My fears lie within. In my own world where people are jaded. In my community where at risk women are labelled "head cases". In my world where the government pulls programs to properly assist at risk immigrant and refuge women from enduring the resiliency of the world they are struggling to overcome. With these, my fear is to stand. Yet I stand with respect and love for those who struggle.
Today I struggle with all the fears instilled within my person over 20 years, yet I stand against them for others who have or might endure so much more. BRING IT ON WORLD! Here we stand in fear, love, tragedy, endurance, worthiness to ensure change. For it is the recipies of our world, in this order that will instill this healthy world into our youth for the recipie of international love, endurance and sustainable acceptance of our persons. Vxo
