Friday, February 15, 2013

GTOC Blog #35 My Superhero Cape is feeling a little wilted today....


When I started writing these blogs it was because I wanted people to understand and experience that I am simplistic,a  real single Mom still struggling to manage to keep afloat her larger than average family, with dignity and love.

Since GTOC began, I have been increasingly celebrated as a woman who not only cared and spoke true for a cause, but provided solutions, hope, dignity....to the point where I feel someone larger than me was being celebrated.

I am still just that terrified me.
I am that little girl who's Daddy hugged her and told her everything would be alright when her world fell apart...and I believed.
I am that daughter that hugged her Mom every Sunday in church when her Dad had to go to God.
I am that Teen...who once again, actually for the first time, experienced the ravages of the heart & body. 
I am that Mom that has struggled and appreciated her children's love of the family unit....even without a father.
I am that Working person,.....dedicated to her clientele's needs over her own to the level of 3 full time jobs at any one day.
I am that person who created a company that would address life's inequities with the solution needed.....not me.....a community of people,  just like me AND willing to support the efforts of those willing to work hard to achieve better quality of life.

And today, I sit quietly in a dark room.  I am searching for answers.  Solutions.  Not for me.  But for those who celebrate who the Community has said I am.  And yes, I cry.  Because I so badly want to be, ultra rich and solve the most basic of issues, food and shelter.  I am that daughter who's mother is suddenly not well.  Yet I hold to the women I have devoted my efforts and my spirit to.  Some I know, know and support with their own caring.  Other I know, want of me what they cannot ask of others.  When did they forget what is was like to pull together their own efforts instead of standing back and draining another's?

I want to put on a super human cape and solve their issues for them.  But today my cape feels wilted.   It is not simply invisible.  It does not exist.  Because what I cannot comprehend how some people believe it to be simply acceptable to drain from one giving person, what they will not fight for.  Have they given up?

When someone believes in you, you cannot give up.  You can take a break.  Oh Yes...we all need breaks,...but giving up is not an option.  If all avenues are blocked....create your own.  I did.  I am simple.  I know anyone can do this.  My goal is to tell them to never stop trying.  Not at another's expense.  But create your own opportunities when the world says there are none.  Tell the world No!  This is your choice.

The goal of GTOC has and will always be to detail to it's local Community, how each of us easily can step forward, without upsetting our natural balance within our lives, to assist those who the world has taken away their opportunities.

As a Community, this is a simple task. 

As one individual, trying to be heard by politicians with the power to affect the issues and who refuse to engage, and only heard by those who search for an avenue, it is so difficult to accomplish each task. 

I see the Community draw together.  We need to be one voice.  We need to address anyone who has the ability to affect the system, because it is them that fears engagement.  Through them.  With them.  We can affect the system.  It is our Community that holds the super human cape.  And it is strong.  Teach and Learn together and we can help those who need to learn to help themselves.  As long as we allow our political programs to hide behind blind rules of engagement, we are telling them (the politicians) not to engage, not to join in. 

Instead, let's us, as a Community teach them, how they can join in with us and affect a system of inequities.  Those who will stand will affect.  Those who will not, can walk behind.  For we as a community know forward movement,...let's show them how it is done, and teach them how even though they too are simple people, they can achieve together with those they promise to represent. 

I head now to cuddle within those I love.  My children.  Because from the mouths of babes, simple answers make themselves known.  And true love allows the communication of souls.   V xo




Sunday, February 3, 2013

GTOC Blog #34 It's after midnight...Would I be in bed by now if I had a good man there waiting for me?

I am sitting here typing a blog following a grueling day of work.  Sunday, my day off.  No......  I asked a friend how his day was and he said, busy...lot's of stuff to do with my kids....I replied....I am still working.  He said, I know, it is what we do...who we are. 

As of midnight, I stopped working.  My arms and back are sore from the type of work I am not quite so accustomed to any more.  I suppose I am getting too old to intimidate the young bucks treeplanting in the reforestation fields any longer.  However, I sincerely believe given the opportunity....I'd still put them through their paces.  I might hurt, unable to move, sleep, while they leisurely rest their young bones,...but I know the next day,....I will do it again...showing I can accomplish more, even physically has always been a simple however now increasingly strenuous accomplishment for me.

Tonight however, disassembling a kiosk that had been donated to our Healthy Tasting Room via Furniture and Farm Friend.ze,....I knew, I was in over my head.  Thank Goodness for Cassie, her boyfriend Jess and my Son Conor....and the kindly concierge who assisted us with his good natured humor as the tiring night progressed.

And so I return home, with thank you's to Cassie's Jess as he headed off to a full evening shift of work.  I love you's and hugs from Conor and Cassie....and "Glad you are home comments" from Sissy & Gabriel.  As well we shall not forget the prancing hand licking June Bug....yeah....home sweet home.  I am such a fortunate woman and mother.

Yet here I type.  It is now 12:48 and would I be cuddled in bed by now, if I had a good man waiting for me?

The answer, I cannot decide whether I am sorry to say yes, or sorry to say no....must be a well rounded "No".

Here in lies my dilema.  I am a good, loving woman.  I know this.  I am strong.  I know this too.  I have my convictions...and I intend to succeed in my life goals.   Sadly, I am yet to be convinced that there is such a good man that would accept that I would divert my attention from them in my efforts to  express my inner workings via this blog so that women everywhere,....striving, aspiring, women with the conviction to succeed in their life goals would also feel as strongly as I do....this is a good thing.  This is an amazing thing! 

I have met many a good man and while the acceptance of my far reaching goals draw their attraction, the work required  wherein they have difficulty to witness that I must accomplish to achieve the baby steps towards my impossible goals is staggering.  The sacrifice even a new level of staggering.  And yet I continue, head strong. Why...tonight on a day that was intended for family time, I ask myself....why?  Then I reach out to my loving children.  Not only do I know the answer to "why", so do they.  "Because I can."....and I am convinced "They too Can."  As Can You, who read this blog.

My Children have learned a life lesson, foreign to many potential suitors I meet.  Dream huge, dream beyond anyone's reality, Believe in it, Work hard to achieve it,  ... and most importantly.... never Give up.  And my children have learned this by witnessing, my sacrifices, my hard work and my love of life.  I can smile everyday as I awake, because my children and I make it clear,....we not only love each other, we love life.

Knowing this....my dreams are becoming my reality.

In church today, Fr. Francis had me in tears while he spoke of a real true love in marriages.  I was married 18 years.  Of which most of those 18, I was very unhappy.  The happy years were the one's that began with my children. I strove daily to achieve a real marriage.  I cried in silence every evening before laying next to my husband.  And I knew.  Life was more than this.  Yet I continued.  Everyday.  And every evening, I prayed....Please God...find me an acceptable avenue to be free of this pain, agony, loveless, abusive marriage...but if it is for my beautiful children...I will stay.  My love of my life and my love of my children kept me prisoner to a marriage intent on diminishing that strong, loving, goal oriented woman in me.

And then one day.  I was free.  I shook.  I was terrified.  I didn't know what "free" was. 

It has taken me 9 years to answer the "why question" and the "what is free" question.  So to all you single women, with or without children,....starting over.,....rediscovering the who's the what's the where's and the why's .....while we still ache for that lovely gentleman's arms to hold us at days end and to reassure us that we are loved........

WE are loved.  Freedom to love your world,...in the manner you wish to love your world....is freedom....is love.  Open your arms wider....and revel in it.

WE are loved.  Why?....because we choose to love others.  Without judgment and ridicule.  We open our arms and we love....in the manner we wish to be loved.

We have the choice of dreaming to achieve.  We continue to achieve our goals.  ...and we believe in ourselves....we don't require "that good gentleman" to believe in us in order to achieve our goals.

Yes, we do yearn for "that good gentleman" still.

And somewhere out there, is your "good gentleman"...whether you meet him or not (and I like many single women do wish to)  This "good gentleman" will also revel in your achievements, knowing you must sacrifice so much in life and you must work hard, to achieve your impossible dream.  You will meet him one day and he will know....you are that "good woman"....and at days end, when you have completed your list of to do's and made note to many other aspiring women via your blog encouraging them to achieve their beliefs....

So what is your misfortune should you not meet that "good gentleman"...none.  For your impossible dream is achieved and you know you are loved

And should you meet that "good gentleman"....both he and you will know love.....and as you enter those closing efforts to your blog....you will feel his arms envelope you.....LOVE...."when you are ready"....he will whisper in your ear....and like always.  You will know.  You are loved, for you have Loved.....and you fight hard, to LOVE more.

My beautiful friends.  I complete this blog knowing that June Bug, Ry Cooder and Baby Gaby await me in my bed.   I will achieve very little sleeps as they shuffle for space on our tiny mattress.  Yet one by one, I will hug each with a thank you kiss.....for I am loved.  Irregardless of when my "good gentleman" shall arrive.  I am loved by my most beautiful of achievements,.....because at 1:37 am, even without me cuddled next to them, they still believe in my why's, how's, what's & where's of my time spent blogging love and hope  to those of whom I believe in and their why's, how's, what's & where's ....good night.   V xo