GTOC Blog 8....On the serious things....

I like to think I have a healthy outlook on life.  I thank God every day for my babies,....monsters that they are....and I thank him for my ability to have a healthy outlook on life and to be able to share it with people within  my world.

We have all dealt with our cancers, our phobias, our baggage, our mistakes...we are after all human.   Our mistakes make us into the characters everyone knows and loves.

I have chatted much with "two parent" families.....their fears are the same as single parent families, however, as a two parent family they always seem to have  "the back up plan"....

What if your life had no "back up plan".....??

They say "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic,....once a drug addict.....always a drug addict,....the same can be said for having children....once you accept the responsibility it never leaves you ..... and......the same is with cancer....once you have it....the fear never escapes you.  So after leaving the doctor's office today....this is what I decided to think about.......

I hate one of my jobs.......I will now find one I like!

I love the rest of my jobs......they need to start paying me money so that I don't have to take jobs I hate!!

I love driving in snow storms....I think that is the "Hendrick Racing" Nascar family coming out in me....however, I must admit,....I love simply driving fast especially in a car that has a higher capacity than I do,...black ice is an excuse for donuts....4 wheeling an excuse to plough the fields and .....I could go on....especially about "getting air on the danforth"....

I LOVE debating with my son....he's learning to keep emotion out of his argument....and I am learning to listen to his point of view.

Farts are better under the covers especially if you are the one holding the covers over your son's head.

Heat inside your house on a crispy cold winter's day can sometimes be a luxury....on that day Dad's old woollen sweaters you kept in a special cedar trunk after he passed away....become a necessity.

I LOVE my ability to hug my children while I argue with them.  Especially the teenagers when they push me away...and I wrestle them down and hold them close because we don't have to agree....we simply have to love eachother.

I Love my inherited love of life.

I LovE the way I got to witness my mom and dad cuddle....and I had to leave the room because I didn't think people still acted that way at "their" age.

And my favorite.....I LOVE that I can recall every second as a small child, of watching my parents jive in our tiny living room, until they had worked up a sweat and yet they held each other like the rest of the world didn't exist.

I miss all my friends I have lost.....but you know I talk to you more now than I ever did during all those times separated by geography.

Of today....I will tell you this....I love the musical sound of the voices of my children, I love that no matter what I am still trying to make a difference in life, I love the wind in my hair ....even if it comes with rain, ice & snow,  I love that no matter what ills life throws at me, my sense of humor remains, that my Dad's old sweater is still my security blanket, that I think my Mom learned how to email & text just so we that she could schedule some portion of my busy day to be with her....and that my babies still hold my hand when I cross the road. 

I may not have a "back up plan"  but I sure plan on living life so that those I hold dear to me know I live every moment together like it is the best moments in life and I want them to feel the same.

I am the richest, most fortunate person in my world !  Just as you are in yours!!..... serious smiles all around.....V

GTOC Blog 7....When do we draw the line of forgive & forget?

Over my life time there have been people I have hurt, probably some of them consciously, others not.  In my time I have dealt with each as I hold this close to my heart.  Those I have not yet dealt with....I am getting to you....It isn't your forgiveness I am searching for,....it is my own.

On the flip side, I can pull bucket loads of people from my closet that have consciously done harm to myself and my family.  The person who years ago knowingly purposely ruined us financially, the multitude of people who attempted to break our family unit, the person who admittedly drove my unstable ex to drink to his insecurities, the persons who have taken advantage of my hardworking ethics to steal thousands of dollars of myself and my children in the past few years.

I contemplate the harm done.

While I make no bones about my acceptance of the day my ex consciously chose alcohol over the family we had created, I have specifically worked daily at healing my children over the abandonment they felt over their father's permanent exit from their lives.  This I can forgive for I feel we have achieved a family love without him, impossible to achieve with him.  My children's time of forgiveness is in each their own time.  I have even volunteered to take them to Thailand to re-introduce them to their father one day.

I can faithfully list the women who felt necessary to attempt a competition with me in my relationship with my ex.  My consistent verbal response to them was "if it is important for you to have him....take him, and if that is what he chooses as well, that has nothing to do with me in my life."  Some were successful, some were not...it is their nature, not mine.  So to this day it does not concern me.  And as yet, I hold no misgivings.  To each their own.

However, this I have to say,  since my ex left, I have had to learn to pay bills, I have had to learn to earn two incomes, I have had to learn how to raise hurt children that no amount of hugging and love can cure, I have had to approach a world I was led to believe hated me, I have had to learn that I am not a disgusting, stupid, undesirable human being and most importantly I learned that God never gave up on me....neither did my monsters or my Mom & Dad.

In the past eight years, against 18 years of  opposite, I have learned.....the bills have to be paid....and on time!!!!!.....I have learned that I have the strength and will to not just have two full time jobs....but to create entities of many people's efforts & hopes in GTOC & MJH., my children adore me & I them....we are a solid family unit, I found my voice in GTOC.....and the world started to listen,.....and I found the beauty in all humans was in the sparkle in their eyes they offered to their fellow humans, ... and still every day I pray God, my monsters & my Mom & Dad will never give up on me. 

I have specific weaknesses.

My worst......today, I was approached, yet again, by an individual who knowingly stole thousands and thusly created great financial difficulty for myself & my children  to "be friends" Today's avenue, through facebook.  For a brief moment I hovered over the "add" button.  However, there I stopped. 

It is my encompassing belief through GTOC that I give everyone a chance.  Put to the test I have chosen known drug dealers over supposed friends.  These "known" drug dealers had never done harm to me or any of those I love.  I have friends that have done much worse to me. So my belief is, somewhere in their lives there will be a small window of opportunity for them to fulfill their real life's intentions.  Until a person gives me reason I cannot and will not completely turn my back on them.

So, knowingly putting my little family at financial risk & spreading lying, disparaging remarks regarding my business name throughout a small community can be catagorized as "knowingly doing harm to myself & my children."

Today I have knowingly turned my back on a human being that I know would do myself and my children harm again given the opportunity. 

I have forgiven them, I am so much stronger than that!
I now wish to forget them. 

My Mother, my hero, stated to me just once......yes please do forgive, don't hold hatred for anyone in your heart because God intended your heart to hold love, not to be filled with hatred.  However, God did not intend us to be stupid either.  He gave us a learning intelligence, one of the many gifts he gave us.  So please do not forget the lesson learned.  Move forward, there is no intelligent reasoning  for associating or aiding once again those who would willing do you harm even once.

I began this blog today with the struggle in my heart of helping a pitiful human and am now walking away with the Strength of my Mother's words in my heart to go spend a wonderful evening with the most amazing gift God ever gave me to care for.....my monsters.....V

GTOC blog day 6......on being 40 something & single.....

We all know I joke around a lot about marrying Gerard Butler.  I am definitely a jokester when it comes to talking about relationships and marriage for someone like me, doing the 2nd time around with arms full, back pack full and buggy full of kids.

However, after 8 years of thinking someday someone will come along who thinks I am worth sweeping off my feet, will let me be who I am....the real person I was when I met them....I have realized......I am simply freakin happy NOW.....in fact probably the happiest I have ever been in my adult life.

Picture this.....I wake up with a smile and a twinkle in my eye,....I stretch out my evenings kinks as I flick on my computer, I drink my morning coffee as I watch Jack Hawk, Garry Goose, Scampy Coyote and nameless deer, fat dog sized racoons, skittering squirrels & bustling birds witness the sunrise over the forest at the front of my house.  June Bug, Ry Cooder & I giggle as we recant stories of various critters morning adventures as we scratch & cuddle like puppies all cuddled in our furry white chair.

My two teenagers have already kissed & hugged me with well wishes on their way to the pre dawn high school bus over bickering debates I can't recall 2 seconds after I called them each a butt face or chicken butt or some other charming motherly adjective!!......

June Bug, Ry Cooder and I race in floppy white furry slippers as we in unison trip up the stairs to my bedroom where we each pick a position on the bed to cuddle with baby Gaby.  Cooder at the end....cuz he likes only to be scratched on demand,....June Bug believes Gabriel is her personal puppy and does a little doggy nip to his back side then pulls the blankets off him and licks any bare skin she can find,.....me ....I am a cheeky smoocher.....I gather Baby Gaby up in my arms and smack his cheeks with kisses until he finally admits he is awake.

With June Bug on butt nipping duty, Gabriel launches on to my back and I piggy back him to the dining table.  It's usually cheerios & Gaby must kiss on the cheek the deliverer of his greatest meal of the day.....breakfast!!  Mix 97, with the lovely and eternally happy Orlena,  pops up on the radio....we scan for bus cancellations for us wee folk here in the County and we dance like gawky whooping cranes to absolutely any music Orlena & Sean might be grooving to on their morning show.  Getting Gaby dressed, teeth brushed, lunch made, coat, hat, boots, mittens....all out the door in time for Gaby to bat boy run down the long driveway where Ross the best Bus driver ever keeps the bus warm for him!!!!

Then....it's my time.....the only MY 5 minutes of  TIME in my entire day......a steaming hot bath awaits me.....slowly I lower myself into the water as it stings my skin & I let out a very long breath where I sink to the bottom of the tub.....only my nose sits above the water line.

Here is where I stay.  I soak.  I ponder my world.  I ponder my day.  I open my eyes under water and spy the photos of my monsters on the wall.  Each of their eyes look back at me filled with love and trust.  And everyday from the depths of my heart I promise to work harder today than I did yesterday so that tomorrow will be better for we Monster Lockyers.

Then I hear it.....the buzz of my phone.......I burst from the depths of Neptune.....texting, emailing, phone calls......while I air dry,....streak to the closet....furry white slippers flopping & tripping me....stubbing my toes, bumping my head,....ripping my stockings....all because....I can do it....I can be who I said I would be......and today I wear black on black on black. because it doesn't take thought...I cannot recall how many times I drew on my eyeliner differently from one eye to the next, from one phone call to the next because important decisions were required elsewhere.

Real estate offers in negotiation, GTOC contacts looking to meet, Renovation trades persons to keep on task, kids calling from school with upset tummies, mechanics telling me how expensive my only ever new car is to repair, lawyer's and financing needing papers signed, agent emailing over Storyteller scheduling & publishing details, Mom calling to ensure I am coping well, eating well, sleeping well, ....a standard glorious day for me & it has just begun......

I spend the day at work, race to an appropriate zone every break/lunch to keep communications with ALL the above flowing, wave to Mr. Security Guard who is a fantastic DJ!....and one of the nicest people that make my work day liveable with kind, positive comments,.....stop to say hello to the ever smiling, cafe cashier who always calls me dear then .......

Rush home....wind up with an hour with my Monsters.....hear about their day.....call them chicken butts for not doing their chores....Hugs,....Kisses....Bedtimes....Prayers.....lights out....

Time to work.....with a glass of wine!!!.  Real Estate research & scheduling & marketing, GTOC business planning and communications, Book keeping, Storyteller stories & illustrations, MJH research on Nampula Africa...emailing my Mom because she worries about me as much as I worry about her.

And my day is done.  I feel as though I have accomplished nothing.  Tomorrow I will try harder.....but I am happy.  Happier than I have been in my entire adult life.  Gaby Baby has snuck into my bed.  I turn out all the lights around my ever messy house, push Ry Cooder out of my room (because he likes to scratch the parlour chair in the middle of the night, that my mom reupholstered  for me).....pull all the covers over baby Gaby and kiss his cheek good night.   He whispers "I love you too" and I am asleep.

All the important aspects of my life are covered in a day like this.  Over time you learn to discover what the real important aspects are.  Yes one day, I won't have wee monsters to pre-occupy my  free moments....I'll have my passion for work & I'll have my arts & I'll have a version of my June Bug & My Ry Cooder....and I'll have my gawky whooping crane dancing to music around my kitchen island....because these things are eternally me.

So if someday, a Gerard Butler comes along who enjoys me as me, without attempting to change me ....and perhaps if he can also do the gawky whooping crane dance around the kitchen island, I might consider him....till them.....I love my days, my nights, my world.....as 40 something & maybe plus lotsa more years & simply single !! ....V

GTOC Blog Day 5 .....random ranting ....the shut down communication technique

I have a tendency when topics upset me to go quiet until I am able to deal with them on a nice, firm or maybe comical level. At home we call it "the shut down".  I despise screaming, it is undignified & hurts my throat. I don't believe in forcing my will on others, so after I have stated my opinion once, at the most twice, it's time to stop.  Other times, granted, I am too busy, by life choice & necessity.....so if I cannot immediately stop what I am doing, and I do try to accommodate, perhaps I really do have urgent business that I cannot ethically be deterred from.

To keep up necessary open communications, teenagers and I have taken up texting.  A lot of texting.  Thank goodness for unlimited texting plans.  We can have conversations that last the extent of my work day away, similarly to them coming to my home office, asking a question of me and then heading out with the answer (minus the loving hugs after).  I find the benefits rewarding in that, they don't expect an immediate answer because I will wait till I am not with a client to respond.  I can document that I did give them their list of chores by the text msgs sent and received history....so far we have not required that one, but knowing it is there creates truthful responses....the best bonus for a single mom is that I am kept in personal individual contact during the good, bad and the ugly lives of my beautiful teens and they can feel the security of where I am at all times.

The only major downfall is that texting can be impersonal.  Shortened sentences can feel like quip responses.  Emotional dilemas are best left for face to face conversations, at the appropriate time.....hence "the shut down"

I enjoy every type of personality as friends, family, aquaintances, co-workers....strangers. Knowing this, I encounter a multitude communication methodoligies within these multitudes of personalities.  Somehow, I manage to respect their personal communication methodologies.....I respect those who talk a lot & I listen,....I respect those who talk a little but need to be listened to,  I respect those who are bold & brag by not challenging their vision of their worlds.....as long as you are not harming anyone.....I respect when and how and what you wish to communicate.

The problem with "the shut down" is NOT that I will never give a response, because I do when it can be communicated on a mutually respectable level.  The real problem with "the shut down" is that I am very often disrepected in that because my personal communication methodology will not examplify indignities, screaming or forcing my will on others and "the shut down" methodology or shall I call it "delayed" methodology completely infuriates those who would disrespect me with their indignities, screaming & forcing of will on others type of communications.  Not simply infuriates, fuels the fires.

So here's the deal....I don't know a lot of "shut down" people.  Most people I know like to jump into "the fray"....not that there is anything wrong with that (my Seinfeldian of the day) however, I choose not to.  And I maintain a permanent strength in that position.

Show me a safety issue and my kids will attest to the fact that I will walk in, take over, fix it and walk out.  Afterall I want you in my life tomorrow too! or I wouldn't have wanted you in my life today.

In my life I choose to be happy.  Since I have made this conscious choice my heart has allowed an immediate response to the unhappiness I witness, as in children of Nampula Africa and after 20 years of being unable, I learned to cry again.

In my life I choose to be happy.  I recognize great pains within my friends, my community & my world.  If you choose to YOU CAN FIX IT.  Even if it is within baby steps....a  little at a time.  Your heartfelt strengths will carry it into flights of leaps and bounds.

And you know what, life is hard!  But like the true Irish Lassie my father raised to always find the twinkle in her eye.....so freakin what!!! ......a hot toddy, an random irish canter & a twinkle of leprechan mischief in your eye....over a "shut down" "time out" and You'll be bouncing back on the positive side of the green grass sooner than if you dig your own unhappy sorrow filled muddy hole and jump in.....V

GTOC Blog 4 Oh those Rose Colored Glasses have me under their spell...

Tonight, I realize....it has been a tremendously long day at work and yet I feel as though I have accomplished nothing.  Too tired to blog.....maybe....however I can't be if here I am typing on the topic that has circled my brain pan most of the day....points of view.

I am often "accused" of seeing the world through rose colored glasses & wings on my feet, like perhaps it is a bad thing...what is so terrible about it?....I cannot find the answer.....but I can tell you I know many, many people who talk to me everyday so that their grey colored glasses and their cement booted feet, feel a lift in their spirits.  Did they ever think that maybe sometimes I chat with them because I revel in their ability to cut through the "compost" ?

There is no right and no wrong in your point of view.  It is your personal choice how you choose to view your world.....after all it is YOUR world!....it really all boils down to......what do you DO with your world?

Here is a run down of my day....sometimes I am successful in affecting someone,....most days I do try....some days I am unsuccessful....and some days I don't try hard enough.

Nighttime....steam bath....I still draw hearts in the mirror....because the "loving" smudge will still be there in the morning when I really don't want to get ready for work.

I lay in bed with my eyes on the stars.....they were different yesterday.....remember the star girl story you wrote for Cassie?....all about a mom wanting a little girl so badly and a little star girl lonely & simply wanting a mom....with Cassie away at school...it's how I feel for the second time in my life....lonely for my Cassie....and then I realize she has taken flight,...I am not envious I am proud....and I see her beautiful eyes twinkle at me from the stars in the heavens above.....

5 am.....my mind wakes up....long before my eyes will open.....I lay there calculating how many times I awoke through the night, upset  that I didn't get enough work done through the day.....I pray to St Theresa and fall back asleep lightly, sweetly....so that when my eyes open.....it is to the mother and her fawn tenderly making there way along the treeline of my forest.....I've never given them names....they never stay long or return often enough......Scamp the coyote with hardly any fur, digs at my compost....hungry.....he's a scavenger....he eyes' Jack Hawk dive by my window for his morning meal rabbit shakedown.....Scamp knows Jack will never drop a meal...but he eyes him all the same.

I shuffle into the bathroom to brush my teeth and see my smudged heart drawn on the mirror from the night before....with a secret smile most worthy of Wendy from my all time favorite Peter pan movie....I set my goal for the day......"today I will Marry Gerard Butler"....I am exhausted....but smiling....what a goal that would be!!!  Why not aim big???? It sure is better than aiming too low!!!

Ry Cooder the cat accosts me as I open the bedroom door and descend to the kitchen.  He picks one claw to poke me with as I boil water for coffee....the poke says " I am really a dog...scratch me like you mean it!!"

First two teenagers are out the door with massive hugs and kisses....a few from each...I must look tired...they worry.....they shouldn't ...it's there love that revs me filled with energy for another day.

And then June Bug finds me.....our dog that no one loved....is so very loved here, I cannot understand why every morning she acts like she is so excited, she jumps, she dances, she farts like it is the first experience every known to mankind....Like it's the first time any one has loved her, she wags her tail so hard her bum sways and she knocks herself over. I try to be firm in her training and cannot stop hugging and kissing her....thanking God we found her....then in her excitement she pees on the floor and swishes her long tail through it and sprays it everywhere!!!  Oh boy....daily clean up #1!!!

Gaby finally is dressed, fed, lunch made, boots, hat, scarf, mittens, ski jacket & back pack.....with a sparkling "I love you Mom" he races down the driveway with the "bat boy" swagger flinging his cape (back pack) from side to side on his latest adventure....he epitomizes my story of Gabriel Gunderflumps! 

I head back to my room and check my emails again.....so many to answer while I get ready for my work day....it's good....some days women find me that need help....some days women find me that can help me in my GTOC efforts.

I look over  my shoulder to see Jack Hawk rise high in the sky with his breakfast....he drops a tiny morsel as a teaser to Scampy Coyote....come back tomorrow......the cast and crew will be early.....try to be early enough to catch your own breakfast....and he soars into the forest.

I leave for work and pull up next to some young lady crying in her car......I am singing "you are beautiful" by Christine Agulaira.....I am a horrible singer....but the girl looks in my direction and I smile  I don't ask why she's crying....I simply smile and remind her.....ALL of life is not so bad......I can smile, because all morning life smiled on me....in my rose colored glasses point of view. .... V

GTOC Blog Day 3 - Life Lessons Learned

Throughout life we learn many, many lessons.  They teach us to be who we are.  They teach us not to be who we once were.  They teach us to strive to become like that person we admire.

Today I had a performance meeting with my supervisor of one of my many jobs.    Throughout my previous structured employments I had become quite accustomed to raving reviews and recommendations.for advancement.  Hard worker, eager, high achiever, intellectually & physically ...were standard adjectives for my work performances.  I knew this would not be the case today as I entered the meeting room with a joke to my supervisor inquiring as to whether this was where they kept the ruler to slap our wrists with.  This was not the level of job to which I have been accustomed and it's affect on me, while knowing I was learning key negotiation skills, anger management skills, confrontational skills, ....I was allowing the grey matter of the life of these we were to aid to injure my usually positive outlook on live and love of life.

In past I have not had positively memorable experiences with supervisors of the female gender.  It seemed they were eager to prove a powerful point and required the words "bitch" noted as highly as the achievement of their university degree.  Throughout the years I have sworn that until I could accomplish the goal of supervisor, manager, boss, without the "bitch" degree designation,....I would not even attempt the role.  The norm at that time would progress as such.....yes I am nice.....and yes you may walk all over me.  I knew it would take time for me to be ready.

Of the recent year, I believed that I had reached that level of self confidence through my beliefs in GTOC and other's beliefs in my efforts through GTOC,  that allowed me to supervise with a degree in nice, fair but firm.  Today, I learned a life lesson.  My supervisor was simply real.  We sat, we discussed pros and cons of the position, of my role within the position and life lessons.  She did not attempt the "power trip" role with the "bitch" designation.  And as I sat in the tiny little meeting room with her and the wobbly table we both sat forward to support, I realized that she was a sample of the type of supervisor, manager, boss, I respect....and because she is just that....I have learned a deeper respect for my position within the company,....in a job that whether I stay or not....that will be completed with a higher respect in accomplishment for my duration within.

I have held many humble positions in life, knowing I could achieve more, however life's lessons had not taught me the confidence to take those steps of achievement.  In retrospect, today's employment review brought me back to a life lesson reality and I took the last 20-30 years into review on my long drive home to Rose Hall:
1.  By the time I was 19 I realized all those years of holding a lantern for my dad while he worked on the car, were the most precious moments with him I desired to relive, especially now that he is gone.
2.  That as teenagers, we don't make amazing decisions.  We are meant to fail repeatedly & learn from those errors so that we will make better decisions for some of us in our 20's, some of us in our 30's and the rest of us...yes like me, in our 40's.
3.  I learned that German's are precise between requests for toast & croissants as well as  coffee & cafe au lait.
4.  I learned that no matter how loud I sang on the hills of Austria....I would NEVER sound like Julie Andrews .... :((
5.  I learned that Italian Police have NO sense of humour.....don't ask!!!
6.  I learned that not all men are bad.....neither are all women.....but don't stay friends with them, or married to them, if they are.
7.  I learned that children everywhere in our world are given to us in trust from God....to care for, yours, mine or theirs.....to care for.
8.  I learned being a mom is my most precious & meaningful job in life.  And as such, will make me strive to be better at my job every living moment.
9.  I learned that a glass of the perfect wine with the perfect food shared with a wonderful gentleman were moments to hold close to your heart in every lonely "ever after" moment.
10.  And I learned that while I will never be perfect....I will never stop trying.....because our lives are beautiful, poor, rich, starving, abundance.....all are beautiful .... and all of us can make a difference in someone's life and the other day I was asked why?.....my only response was.....because I can. 

A special thank you today to people out there like my supervisor.  Thank you for being real.  Thank you for making a difference....just because you can. .... V

GTOC Blog Day 2 January 20th, 2012

I have had an abundance of time to day to review today's topic in my mind.  I have wanted to blog about Mother's and Daughter's however wasn't quite decided on how to broach the subject.  Mother's and Daughter's have a special bond.  Not to diminish the mother/son relationship or the father/daughter relationship.  I simply believe the Mother/Daughter relationship is as unique as are the others.

I am no holds barred entirely in complete admiration of my Mother.  It's a detail I never omit from my daily thoughts, discussions, prayers.  I proudly reveal to all, I have never had a harsh word with my Mother.  I couldn't.
I have however allowed myself to be drawn away from my Mother, avoided her for years, pushed her away, blamed her for my own misguided decisions....disappointed her, I know in essence, I broke her heart.....then the exact moment I called to her "Mom, I need you...." she was there.  She didn't "fix" everything for me....instead she reminded me of all the strengths she had taught me.  It has been a journey the past 8 years relearning those strengths and my Mom has been by my side most days,....foot to my behind some days too.

So here I am....a Mom.   I remember the exact second I conceived each child born and each child lost.  We start by building a brick wall around our children.  It's a solid brick wall.  3 bricks thick with barely a spacer for air.  We are the protectors.  As they begin their adventures into the world with their first steps, we pull back some bricks....thickness of the wall remains, but we allow more spacers.  Room to expand horizons, till the day comes when we have to put wheels on the brick wall.  So that everywhere they go....and boy do they go!!!!  We can protect them.  We fight for them.  We heal them.  We give everything of ourselves to them, ....because we are teaching them to fly...like we know how to fly......and one day whether we are ready or not.....they beginning kicking at the brick wall.  Some days with a little pic ax, some days with a jack hammer.  It hurts.  It is nothing less than painfilled.  They don't see our pain....their faces are to the sky....they desire flight!  Their only focus is flight.....their only goal is to soar!  We remember that feeling.....the desire,....the release.....the full expansion of our wings.....and we want that for our children....yes.....we tear down that brick wall knowing we did our absolute best.   We instilled our faith, our love, our strengths, our SAFETY RULES for safe takeoffs and landings!!!  We soar with them as they fly, and we cry with them "as we watch them build those brick walls around themselves in an attempt to feel that protection we still hold in our hearts for them.  We bravely try to tell them to throw away the bricks...."you cannot soar with bricks around you"....they cannot see us cry at night, feeling their pain,...they cannot see our hearts smile as we feel their freedom of flight, strength of character & love of God.

It is then that we reminisce of the love of our Mother's arms.  The safety of our own brick walls.  The pain of separation and somehow our Mother's knew to keep a small portion of that brick wall standing so we could return now and again to feel it's protection and strength.  We wonder how our Mother's withstood the pains we unknowingly caused them and we understand the strength of her love as she watched us fly.

As Mother's we are going to have to witness our daughter's flight, our daughter's pains, our daughter's struggles and yes we are going to have to let them do all these three in solo one day...because we taught them well. 

We are NOT perfect....in fact some of us are so much less perfect than others.  And our daughter's are not perfect....even though in our eyes ...yes they are.  The Mother & Daughter relationship is a wall building and wall ripping down event of magnaminous proportions.  (if that is actually a word it describes this well)  This building and demolishing is done together, sometimes daily, sometimes after 20 years apart.

The beauty of the the Mother/Daughter relationship is eventually the daughter says "Mom, I need you....".....and eventually the Mother says "Daughter, I need you..." and the protective brick wall with all it's holes and shattered bricks remains strong because it was built on the love, faith & hope of a Mother and a Daughter.....

...today however was one of those days when the brick wall was under destruction of dynamite, TNT, jack hammers and lava (of course because lava melts rock!!!!).....so my son and I  (important Mother/Son relationship moment) discussed life on this planet, in the dining room, huddled in front of our little fireplace, over a deep glass of red wine and lots of motherly hugs. ..... V

Intro Blog...Day one

Everyone who knows me well, knows I keep very busy.  I have 4 beautiful kids that I adore, work two full time jobs, write and illustrate stories for young children, am creating a new fund in my dad's name for the Nampula children in Africa, and of course my dream company and of course, my passion, Glass Tower Offices & every Aspiring Woman I have the honor of meeting.  What you may not know about me is my obsessive organizational behaviour in the things that I do.  It used to be about my whole house when I stayed home with the kids, the cereal transferred to specific containers, the cans with all labels to the front, the closets with color coded sectional clothing, however it drove me to a level of insanity trying to maintain that along with my various works!....something had to give.  Sadly my house is a mess on any given ordinary day like today.

Of late what has been obsessively bothering my currently disorganized behaviour is the inability to keep all my works flowing together as one,....as they do inside of me!  As they do in my multi level arts & business table/desk.
Then this morning I noticed a fb friend blogged her thoughts....just on her.....on how she thought of things, whether they were artistic, business or life related....THEY were her all wrapped into one!  So this blog is me....all wrapped into one!!  It is the flow from one of my works to the next and how they all relate in unison to life.  Today's women, we work, we play, we mom, we wife, all wrapped into each day.


Things I want my kids to read, why I acted the way I did today....because you know I am completely my insane self around them!....Things I want my friends to read, who know as positive as I am,....I have moments of sadness,......Things I want my GTOC Aspiring Women to read....because GTOC has become my focused support....I too am an Aspiring Woman....it is there for you and me together.....and things I want my Mom to read.....because she is my hero....and for some odd reason she truly believes in me!!!

This is my first blog day.  My intro blog day.  From wizard of oz winds, blinding whiteout drives home & a shared glass of wine over discussions of life with my handsome son, ....to late night virtual hugs from a dear friend (thanks Andy :)))  I retire to cuddles with my baby boy....no obsessively organized attempt on a obsessively disorganized array of works can keep me from a serene moment of baby Gaby bedtime cuddles. V xo