Saturday, October 10, 2015

GTOC Blog #52 The Structure of Love.

Is there a tougher question in this world of global consciousness?

When do you show enough love?

Is there ever enough love to give?

Can you give too much love?

I was asked yesterday to define my structure of love.

There are so many different types of love; love of children, love of self, love of life, love of a lover, love of a stranger, love of a friend, love of world, love of learning, love of distraction, love of god, love of spirit, love of nature...I could go on all day.

Perhaps there are not different types of love, for a person who truly loves feels elation in the giving of it.  Perhaps it is that giving, that expression of love that is the structure?

I express love to my children,
with hugs,
with words,
with empowerment of their voices,
with play,
with food,
with home,
with safety,
with learning,
with time,
with friendship,
and with smiles from my heart when words are not enough.

I express love to myself,
with smiles in the mirror,
with allowing distractions for stress time outs,
with self empowerment of my sense of purpose and being,
with giving love to my children, life, lover, stranger, friend, world, learning, god, spirit, nature...

I express love to life,
with being present,
with being thankful for the easy and the difficult,
with seeing beauty in everything and everyone.

I express love to lover,
with being present,
with being thankful for the easy and the difficult times,
with words,
with touch when words are not enough,
with hugs,
with kisses,
with play,
with time & space,
with distractions in deep conversations,
with the peace of saying nothing when everything is bursting at the seams,
with respect for their individuality,
with respect of truth,
with smiles from my heart when words are not enough.

I express love to stranger,
with a lending hand,
with a lending ear,
with the gift of laughter,
with a hug,
with seeing a beautiful spirit in every face,
with sharing smiles from my heart when words are not enough.
with the acknowlegement that they are not alone.

I express love of a friend,
with the gift of laughter and the gift of tears shared,
with empowerment of their person,
with distractions in deep conversations,
with being non judgemental,
with time & space,
with play,
with hugs,
with respect for their individuality,
with smiles from my heart when words are not enough.

I express love of God and Spirit,
with being thankful for learning through the easy & the difficult,
with being thankful for the heart that is my gift, my talent that allows me to love even when I am not being loved in return and it hurts, because it is the elation of the giving that is my structure of love.

So to answer the first questions, a resounding NO!  The world needs more love.  Love builds your elation of life.  My goal is to make it clear;

I love myself, my life & my god, unconditionally,
If you are my child, you know you are loved by me, unconditionally.
If you are my friend, you know you are loved by me, unconditionally.
If you are my lover & friend you know you are loved by me, unconditionally,
If you are my stranger, you know you are loved by me, unconditionally.

This is my structure of love and I am elated in it.  Vxo

Thursday, October 1, 2015

GTOC Blog #66 Recycling Humans... Vxo

I have never been good in the dating arena.  In fact this is a known fact within me.  For years I simply preferred not to date seriously.  I think I am a little old fashioned in the level of value I place upon people and their experiences together. 
When my daughter was in high school, I sat in the church parking lot with my younger daughter, awaiting the after dance pick up time.  I witnessed one young 'lady' enter a parked vehicle with another young 'gentleman'.  As the windows steamed up, I thought to myself "awwwww they are making out!'...then he left alone and another young "gentleman" entered.  In disgust I witnessed one boy after another enter the vehicle and leave.  My daughter tells me this is a high school thing.  I purposely forgot the exact street terminology, I call it recycling.  

I said nothing to the girl or her prominent parents in our small society, but the words that never crossed my lips were, "how inspiring it was that she was so environmentally consious and that perhaps this was a "green career" she should continue within."

I am by far not a prude.  I do however know value and I know devalue.  I have been personally both.  Mostly devalue.  The world of today understands devalue, so that when I push for value, they don't comprehend.  We jump into a relationship so fast that we devalue not only ourselves, we recycle the other person.  I said "we", not "I" not "you",..."WE".

I watch both men and women of today, openly switch up partners, just for the night or perhaps for the season.  No harm no fowl.  Relationships end and begin quicker than the seasons.  They "heal" so fast that the heart wonders if it ever beat for the other person?

Since moving to the city two weeks ago from a small town, I have smiled like a little girl coming home.  How I look and dress is not unusual.  In fact here I am just simply normal.  However, my grin from ear to ear at accomplishing not one but two dreams radiates my every movement.  Last week, I stopped driving and jumped on the TTC adventure!  Every day, at least one gentleman has approached me and told me how beautiful my smile was.  Today a retired soccor star from Switzerland proposed to me!  Of course I politely smiled as I helped the elderly Iranian woman on to the bus.  

This should be boosting my ego.  It doesn't.  For I am a recycled human and I have recyled other humans.  I feel shamed.  It doesn't matter that it was accomplished within the depths of my heart.  What matters is that it was accomplished.  This isn't the world where my heart lives, so I thought I'd take a break from it for another bunch of years, maybe forever.  The value of recycling humans has no relation to our environmental endeavors.  Simply put it is a sign of our devalued times.  Politically I could accomplish this same argument across the globe, with newcomers, refugees, women, children, men, animals....we know those, they are in the news.

As I assisted the elderly Iranian woman and her walker on to the bus to her destination, I smiled and waved.  She spoke no english except for the trained sentence of "thank you sister".  Here she is, tiny and lovely traveling in faith across a world not of her own understanding.  She knows value.

As I walk away leaving her in the good hands of the bus driver, I wave with a reassuring smile before I duck my head and pull into my world.  Today, I feel recycled.  Tomorrow I will once again pull my head high and walk like Laura Croft through the castle that is my city of home.  Yet I have once again learned my value and this recycled human concept of dating is not mine own.  Being alone, works better for me, because I never was very good at recycling.  Vxo

Friday, September 4, 2015

GTOC Blog #65 100 Voice Documentary, The written Journey September 4 2015

I get it.  I see the stats and I feel the need to walk away.  This isn't something I want to FEEL in my life either.

However, it is there.  This morning on my way to work I was accosted by a group of tattooed, bad toothed, gang dressed youth.

It is there though, and it is getting worse.

Grab a hold and address the real situation.  Blinders do not negate the visual thoughts entering your mind or mine.

It takes step up time community.  Where are you on this?  There is nothing more to say.  Vxo

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

GTOC Blog #64 Bringing forward the Backward

If you are here listening to what I have to say then there was or could one day be a tragic moment in your life when you feel your entire life force being drained, being pulled from your existence.  You will always remember that moment for the rest of your life.

Then there is that moment you stood and fought for your life force.   You physically reached your hands out either pulling it back inside or fighting off the possibility of losing it, fists raised, defiant.  You will always remember that day too.

What about the in between time?   Your time frame, in the process of losing or gaining.  The struggle blurs in comparison to to loss and the triumph.  The difficult questions are, what did you do to lose it? and what did you do to gain it.  What can I do to ensure this struggle not only achieves what I need it to, but that I will sustain the gain and never have to lose it or fight for it again.  But here is the bigger question.  What is IT?

"IT "  is your human right to greatness.
"IT" is your belief that you deserve greatness.

"IT" is when you are bouncing on your father's knee and you believe him when he says "You can be anything you want to be when you grow up"
"IT" is you becoming your greatness you deserve.

There are a million reasons why we can lose faith in "IT"
There is only one way to get faith in "IT" back.....believe!!!!

It may take many steps to learn how to believe again, but the fact that you once so easily did believe, should encourage you that to believe in you is possible once again.

You learn to "BELIEVE IN YOU" again
Then you will learn to "DREAM" again
And you will "PROTECT YOUR DREAM" because you remember what it was like to live without one
And When you Protect Your Dream, you will Learn Once Again to "LOVE YOUR LIFE" with childlike eyes of wonderment that know no barriers
Then having been "without" you will yearn to protect the Dreams of Life for others,  Your Love of Living will be Infectious and in becoming such "YOU WILL MEAN SOMETHING TO YOUR WORLD"


So here is where I come in.
You will hear how I lost my Dream.
You will witness my regaining my Dream.
You will feel my childish wonderment that knows no Barriers in my Love of Life,
Because I will share how I am sustaining it.  Through all the trials and struggles that remain, life remains a wonderment, and that Wonderment is Infectious.

Step by step, together we share Love Of Life.  It is our human responsibility to share this, for if we are not making someone else's life better, we are wasting our time, wasting our own life.

The Steps begin from here.  Subscribe, watch, join in, leave comments. learn, love, talk.

We are in this together, you and me.  There is no failure unless you simply decide not to try.  So put it in your mind that YOU are guaranteed to succeed.

This is the Journey that proclaims to our world,
I Want my Life to mean something!,
I want my work to mean something!,
I want my family to mean something!.

GTOC is just the beginning.  From here we work together on the four cornerstones that sustain our lives.
Click on the beginning or click on the end.  It doesn't matter, this is your journey.
Just Do it,
Just Start the Journey,
Because Success is the Journey.....V

Monday, July 20, 2015

GTOC Blog #63 Walking the Dog in tune.

I try to only walk Junipers at night.  She is black as night and the sun is her nemesis in the summer heat.  In the winter, snow ravages her paws.  We are given limited time and space within which we can walk together.  We both need the movement.  She's only 5 and I am only 50....yet we conquer on our physical pains of age.

June's routine represents the animalistic routine of marking territory.

Mine involves the random shuffle of the most played list on my phone.  Head phones in, we enter the world of 99 problems.  We are both bitches in my world but the song dictates we are not a part of the problem....we pace through  remembering the woman, the bitch who made our life hell.  She withheld money for food while spending thousands on duplicates of clothing never to be worn due to her wish to have my model frame versus her own plump one and consistently purchasing clothing more suited to mine than her  own.  Yet I was the bitch with the problems, because I had no one to stand for me.  No strong man to tell me I was beautiful.  Therefore I was ugly and because her husband thought me beautiful and desired sex from me at times, those long times she  was adverse to him.....

Wow fantastic baby....I wanna dance baby,  on the day he told you it turned him on for you to have power over men.  You were dared.  You were scared because you were nothing and ugly, but you chose to please him.  You thought this was love.  You walked in, you saw, you directed, you took, from many, you made notes, you left behind a souvenier (your soul in the form of pink lace heart and rhinestones) and you called him.  He was busy.  His wife sensed you.

I Like it Comon Comon Comon,  SandM, SandM, SandM, ... when you finally met, there were inquiries.  He couldn't wait to hear what you had accomplished that his wife would not.  It turned him on.  You thought this was love.  So you recanted how the multitudes beat you down.  Defiled you.  He got hard.  You thought this was love.  Yet somewhere in the back of your mind you asked yourself about the pain of the back of their hands....

I am on this fast track, it's just a regular two man show.....  so you visited his friend.  She was his other girlfriend, but you didn't know and she didn't know.  You became better friends without him.  but he asked and you thought it was love.  So the two of you found a victim for the fast track, who could resist?  We did an adventure that would numb our worlds, and you took notes.  You recanted while he got hard.  You thought this was love.

The cycle repeated as explosions broke in the sky... so dating was an option.  Someone for my own. Separate from the shame of the adverse wife.  I picked an old friend.  His insanity ruled.  You became encumbered in blood.  Fear brought the courage of laughter.  You dared laughter only to discover he'd beaten the last who found laughter in fear.  Icicles filled your blood.

Back door lover, always hiding neath the covers.....  and this beautiful man found you....walk this way.....but by now you only knew how to serve sex.....Just give me a this  conversation was not your forte, intelligence was buried in juices of  the tongue, of the places mom refuse to tell you about.  You thought this was love.

Maneater make you work hard, make you spend hard,  so you met the user.  The juvenile that would abuse you from the day you met.  It was all you knew, sex and "dis" kept him till the day you begged the police to remove him from your life.  Fear hurt you and your children.  Endings were better.

This is the End, Hold your Breath and Count to Ten, Feel the Earth Move and then, Hear my Heart burst again......  so all men were kept away.....swept away and stolen,  as a team, as a family we crumbled and rebuilt together, we became strong,  we will stand tall and face it all together as sky falls,  ... put your hand in my hand and we will stay.....  family rocked the world.  We faced it all together, we are love.  We forgave.  We stood tall.  The sky fell in on us and we stood tall.  All others faded away, including "him".  We found love.

 I finally discovered love.  

It didn't use me. "I saw a spider and I didn't scream, 'cause I can belch the alphabet, just double dog dare me, and I chose guitar over ballet and I take these suckers down, cause they just get in my way!"
It didn't abuse me. "I was left to my own devices, many days fell away with nothing to show and the walls fell around in the city we love, but if you close your eyes does it feel like nothing's changed at all..."
It opened its arms to me and I to them. "we are not your kind of people, you seem kinda funny, everythings alive, we are not your kind of people, something in your make up don't seem eye to eye, We are not your kinda people, don't want to be like you ever in our lives, "
It was alive."this shiney city built of gold, far cry from innocence, there's more than meets the eye round here, in the waters of the deep, its the beast and harlot," 
It couldn't end. "you change your mind like a girl changes clothes!"
Each morning it was there. "Maybe I need some rehab or maybe just need some sleep, I gotta a sick obsession, I am seein it in my dreams..."
It was ready to fly my nest. "Is this the real life, is this just fantasy, got in a landslide, no escape from reality.."
It's okay.  I will cry.  "Another blinger with the slick finger trick for the magesty,  another one with the golden tongue poisoning your fantasy,  another bill from the killer to a thrill of a tragedy yeah door is open, woman walking by, a drunk in the water, a look in your eye, a comb on the table,  a man on your side, a someone that you think that you can trust, ... it's just another way to die!!!" 
Juniper and I will go on walks and cry to the tunes again when you are gone. "I heard a distant early warning,  but I chose to ignore it,  it came back and bit me!!  "
But the tunes will be different. "Take me down to the very last city, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty,  oh won't you please take me home"
They are the tunes of true love. "I have love, oh babe I will travel, oh I have love, oh babe I will travel, I said if you need a lovin oh babe I will travel"
Not the end of love. " Feelin my way through the darkness, guided by a beaten heart,  I can't tell where the journey will end, but I know where it'll start."
Simply stronger love. "you tell all the boys no, makes you feel good,'ve carried on so long you couldn't stop if you tried it,  you built your walls so high that no one could climb it, but I'm gonna try,  would you let me see beneath your beautiful, would you let me see beneath your perfect...."
Love out there in the world. "you let all the girls go, makes you feel good, don't it.  Behind your broadway show I heard a voice say please don't hurt me.  You've carried on so long you couldn't stop if you tried it,   You built your walls so high that no one could climb it, but I'm gonna try, would you let me  see beneath your beautiful, would you let me see beneath your perfect.  Take it off now boy, take if off now boy, I wanna see inside, would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight.
That no matter where you are music will always carry you home to me. "give me love like ours" 
I am scared to be alone without you. "cause lately I've been waking up alone."
So I cry sometimes while I am out walking Juniper, listening to the tunes you put on my phone.  "and I have found my corner"
I will be somewhere in the world "maybe tonight I'll call you"
And put my earphones in. "after my blood turns into alcohol"
And know, you are there with me. "oh I just want to hold you" 
In my soul "give a little time to me"
Because you are mine. "I promise  I will play hide an seek" 
And I am yours. "mommia, mommia, give me love, mommia mommia give me love oh love"
LOVE.  Mom  xo

Monday, July 13, 2015

GTOC Blog #62 The Peter Pan Syndrome!!

Somewhere in the past couple years, there was a joy that escaped me.  Today it arrived on my window sill, and I smiled....I remembered how to fly!!

Life gets supremely difficult at times.  To say it is hard would be an understatement.  I used to know how to laugh my way through anything.  My Dad as much as I revere him, could be a grumpy old curmudgeon, yet I was his "happy pill".  That was back when I used to dream of flying.  Lately, I have dreamed of crashing, running, escaping.  How did I forget how to fly?

I started to witness the lives my children were "living".  When did we stop slopping in puddles?  When did we start racing through chores so we could go play a video game....alone?  It used to be stopping in puddles was as much a part of our everyday fun fantasy as picking up dog poop and seeing who could shovel toss it the furthest!!!  Somehow, I stopped showing my children how to fly!

Yesterday, I took my kids to the fair.  I havn't been on rides except the ferris wheel with them in years!  When did I become so fearful of life?  My daughter and my boys took one look at the flying ride and exclaimed how much we just had to do it!!  I began thinking all the excuses.  I am not young.  They are all teens, why did they want me of all people to go on a silly ride with them?  Yet the sparkle of excitement in all their eyes glistened.  "Come on Mom, we can fly!!" , and something began to glisten in me too, it was contagious!

We entered two by two.  My daughter protectively next to me, my sons bringing up the rear.  I lay down on the platform as the carny lowered the safety brace.  Immediately I cringed in claustrophobia. I was wedged in and began to panic.  Breathing rapidly, tears exploded from my eyes and I began grasping for space.  I told my daughter I needed to scream.  She said "Mom, don't scream.  Just move your body forward".   Her head was high and free and clear; mine was wedged into the base.  Clearly I had forgotten how to fly.

Like a turtle I stuck my head forward and again I panicked.  I said, "I am going to freak out, I can't do this"  and my daughter reached out and held my hand as the ride began.

She said "Mom, stretch out your arms, you are Peter Pan!!" as we rose high into the sky.  For the moment I forgot my claustrophobia and I yelled back, "you are Wendy and we are flying!!"

I don't know if I forgot my fear or remembered how to fly, however soon the pure joy of laughter exited my mouth.  Tears exploded free in the wind.  Hand in hand, I was Peter and she, Wendy and we were flying to Neverland!  With every rise brought a new onslaught of the pure joy in laughter and with every dip, I breathed, only to rise to joy once again.  The crowd stared on.  No one ever laughed this hysterically.  The  carny stared with complete disenchantment.  In true Peter Pan form, I didn't care.  I Was Flying!!!

As we exited the ride, as always too soon, my children gathered around me.  I saw the glistening excitement in their eyes that I had seen when they were young and we were so poor, we couldn't afford a single ride at the fair, so we splashed in puddles; snakes were our toys; frogs were for chasing, and we flew every night in our dreams.  

My children reminded me how to fly!  Isn't that the epitome of life and parenting and love?

Sometimes we work so hard to make everything okay for our children, that we lose ourselves in the effort and then we can't understand why they simply do not have the zest for life we thought we taught them.  Maybe, just perhaps, life becomes more real and flying becomes a true reality when our children come back to us with the lessons we fought so hard to provide for them.  Maybe, just maybe, tonight as each approaches and kisses my cheek good night while I work away so ardently to provide a better future for them, maybe, they will head to bed and join me on the window sill of real life and together again we fly.  Hand in is our time to fly.  Vxo

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

GTOC Blog #61 100 Voice Documentary, The written Journey commences July 9th 2015

Have you ever entered a grade school and wondered how many of the kids had breakfast that morning; lunch that afternoon; supper before bed?
Have you ever entered a high school and wondered how many of the youth were going home to empty houses?
Have you ever paid attention to the kids on the street, thought any of these things or did you hold your wallet/purse tighter?
Have you ever stopped and looked at your own beautiful child and wondered if anyone ever wondered these things about them?
Did your child have breakfast this morning?  Does your child know what a condiment sandwich is?
Did your child often come home to an empty house because you had to work more than one job? 
Did your child ever wander the streets looking for you worried if you could make it home safely?
Did you ever look at your child with an exhausted love knowing you would give anything in the world for their lives to be better and notice they were looking back at you with that same exhausted loving look?
Do you remember the day a wild turkey landed in your back yard and you reached for the ax to kill it because you hadn’t fed your kids in a few days, knowing you would bite its freaking head off if necessary, even though you were deadly allergic to it and then you collapsed with starvation and exhaustion before completing the desperate thought? [1]
In the world today,
·         21,000 children die every day on average = 7.6 Million children per year, every year. [2]
·          “…a single parent who's just scraping by and has little time, energy or skill for parental duties and might have children who are at risk for a variety of problems.” [3]
·         About one-fifth of children live in single-parent households. United States (27 percent), the United Kingdom (24 percent), and New Zealand (24 percent).Many European countries have projected the proportion of children living with single parents to grow through 2030.”  [4]
·          “Of white children born since 1980 in the US, about 50% will spend some part of their childhood in a single parent family. For black children the proportion is about 80%. [5]
·         “Fatherlessness is one of the greatest social problems in Canada.”  [6]
·          “Parental alienation is a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child's campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parents indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the target parent. The alienation usually extends to the non-custodial parent's family and friends as well.”  [7]
·         24 million children (34 percent) live absent their biological father, Nearly 20 million children (27 percent) live in single-parent homes. [8]
This is general overview of the stats on our children.  Children we have sworn to protect, that don’t have a chance based on the 1 in 4 stat of the issues they will face due to family breakdown.  Now I am angry!  I have 4 children.  Which one will I give up to these percentages?  I exclaim a resounding “yes” to every single question at the beginning of this rant.  Do you ever walk down the street saying, “there’s a statistic waiting to happen” and feel nothing except contempt for the persons who brought them into this world?  What about that child/youth/adult that never had a chance in our system because of our laws?  We are the ones that voted in these laws.  We created those statistics.  I am part of the “we”.  I am also part of the percentage that wants to change our children’s statistics and there is a part of me that is angered of fighting with the world to step up and be human! 
I am angry because my fellow humans abandon their own children, because these children statistically don’t stand a chance to succeed, because these children are our adults of tomorrow, if they survive.
I am angry because they are the innocents; we make them suffer for our egos; I am part of the “we”.
I am angry because everyone is so busy placing blame, they don’t take responsibility for their role where the answer is to be human, to continue as a race, to ensure our world is okay, to stand up, to convince the world to invest in the solution that should have never been a problem and no matter how hard I try, statistically one of my four children won’t make it.
We live in Canada.  Canada is the land of the free and the brave.  Where are our children?  Where are your children?  Which child are you willing to give up to the statistics of our world?  How much are you willing to save that child, any child? Ask me how to make change happen.  I have an idea.  That is my message.
The child needs to speak; because we single parents statistically can’t get it right for their futures.  The system works against us.  It is the child that will change the system.  Let’s afford them the voice we are too chicken shit or exhausted to give. 
The child needs to be heard; 100 Voices Documentary is only the beginning through empowering our youth to express their experiences in poverty due to family breakdown and ensure they are listened to.  There are 24 million voices yet to go.  We have to start somewhere.  I want to be a part of the solution that will ensure I don’t have to decide which one of my four children won’t make it.   I want to stop being included in the uselessness of the “we” and support the power inside of the “them” that will prove to the “system” that change must be made, for all our futures.  It is time to listen to our youth; let’s set the right example; they will one day rule our world.  Be a part of the solution, support 100 Voices Documentary.

[1]I am asked to attend workshops to discuss methods of alleviating poverty because I am usually the only person in the room who has lived the role and is able to vividly express a moment in the thoughts of an impoverished single mom.  “Did you see that 5 year old kid on the street with the curly floppy hair that no one has cut in the past 2 years, on his skooter, and when you look around him you see no one is actually paying attention to his wellbeing, and he smiles this huge smile at you like he’s got the world by its star fired tail, he is filthy, but his smile shines on his stumped teeth that will one day make him ugly, but you see the smile in his bouncy sky blue eyes and wonder if there is hope for him, yet his baby sitter is stoned on her front porch, dreaming off into a non-existent world, because this was probably the only babysitter that mother could afford because these damn theatrical vultures know the vulnerability of a single mom and instead of stopping to chastise her to ensure the safety of this beautiful young boy with no future, you race home, because one job just ended and the other will begin soon and his firey blue eyes burn into your soul reminiscent of your own child awaiting your comforting safety before you walk out the door again to the second job that just might pay for food this week?”
[2]"Poverty Facts and Stats." - Global Issues. Web. 8 July 2015. <>.
[3]"Does Single Parenting Affect Children? - HowStuffWorks."HowStuffWorks. Web. 8 July 2015. <>.
[4]"World Family Map 2014." World Family Map 2014. Web. 8 July 2015. <>.
[5]"Absent Fathers Linked to Economic Pressures." Absent Fathers Linked to Economic Pressures. Web. 8 July 2015. <>.
[6]"Canadian Children's Rights Council - Conseil Canadien Des Droits Des Enfants." Fatherlessness in Canada, Statistics, Fatherlessness Children Studies. Web. 8 July 2015. <>.
[7]"Canadian Children's Rights Council - Conseil Canadien Des Droits Des Enfants." Parental Alienation Syndrome, PAS, Parental Alienation in Divorce, Children's Rights, Canada. Web. 8 July 2015.>.
[8]"Statistics." The Fatherless Generation. 6 Apr. 2010. Web. 8 July 2015. <>.