Tuesday, October 8, 2013

GTOC Blog #51 Living the Life Shock...xoxo Momma

Where to start?
Have you ever been at such a loss for words that a single coherent thought will not entertain your brain?
2001 was a big year for us.  Gabriel was born and Sissy finally got her long awaited surgery that I had to fight for.  Seemingly they were months apart but it had been a long, stress filled journey for Sissy and me and the rest of the monsters.  It wasn't until today that the memory of it all came crashing back down upon us.
There's a place you enter in your heart and mind when a loved one, especially a child becomes deathly ill.  Simplified, I have labelled it my place of Live Shock.  The first 4 years of Sissy's life were varying stages of Life Shock.  The week of her surgery was an extreme level of Life Shock I thought I never again would have to endure.  Until today.
The doctor's always warned us that there would be long term effects, but I had become so good at pushing this terrifying thought from my mind, that denying its presence became my reality.  Until today.  Today Life Shock became real again with one text message.  "Mom, I don't feel good again and I have another migraine."
Like an angel was speaking into my ear, this after previous similar messages did not, flooded through four years of restrained Life Shock into my current reality.  It was time.  It is an interesting place to be as a mother.  She wonders why I keep kissing her on the cheek, on the forehead.  It's because I can't hold her for hours like when she was a tiny baby. It's because I have no words to express our next journey together.
We are in a different place now, we Monster Lockyers.  A less obstructive place.  A positive place.  Through various blogs I have expressed how open I am with my children.  This time is no different.  They have essentially raised themselves.  They have earned a level of respect many adults I encounter will never earn.  This phase of the journey is the adult journey.  The pro-active journey.  The knowledge journey.
You know what, it is going to be difficult.  But we believe in living life out loud.  This is who we are.  This isn't death, it is another journey in life.  No mother ever wants to live in Life Shock with her baby.  Like many of the mothers and fathers around me, it is our reality and we learn to smile through the tears.  Because while our children become adults, they are forever our babies.  The burden of the Life Shock stress is not theirs.  It is ours.  Our wish for them is to live and breath hope.  Our hope for them is to enjoy the life they have been given.  Our love of them is the appreciation of their very being in our hearts, minds and arms. 
So yes.  I am going to hug my girl Sissy maybe too many times and she will let me, because there are tough times and tough decisions ahead, but they are livable.  It will simply be a pro-active journey we will venture into together with the spirit of a Monster Lockyer.  V xo

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