I have never been good in the dating arena. In fact this is a known fact within me. For years I simply preferred not to date seriously. I think I am a little old fashioned in the level of value I place upon people and their experiences together.
When my daughter was in high school, I sat in the church parking lot with my younger daughter, awaiting the after dance pick up time. I witnessed one young 'lady' enter a parked vehicle with another young 'gentleman'. As the windows steamed up, I thought to myself "awwwww they are making out!'...then he left alone and another young "gentleman" entered. In disgust I witnessed one boy after another enter the vehicle and leave. My daughter tells me this is a high school thing. I purposely forgot the exact street terminology, I call it recycling.
I said nothing to the girl or her prominent parents in our small society, but the words that never crossed my lips were, "how inspiring it was that she was so environmentally consious and that perhaps this was a "green career" she should continue within."
I am by far not a prude. I do however know value and I know devalue. I have been personally both. Mostly devalue. The world of today understands devalue, so that when I push for value, they don't comprehend. We jump into a relationship so fast that we devalue not only ourselves, we recycle the other person. I said "we", not "I" not "you",..."WE".
I watch both men and women of today, openly switch up partners, just for the night or perhaps for the season. No harm no fowl. Relationships end and begin quicker than the seasons. They "heal" so fast that the heart wonders if it ever beat for the other person?
Since moving to the city two weeks ago from a small town, I have smiled like a little girl coming home. How I look and dress is not unusual. In fact here I am just simply normal. However, my grin from ear to ear at accomplishing not one but two dreams radiates my every movement. Last week, I stopped driving and jumped on the TTC adventure! Every day, at least one gentleman has approached me and told me how beautiful my smile was. Today a retired soccor star from Switzerland proposed to me! Of course I politely smiled as I helped the elderly Iranian woman on to the bus.
This should be boosting my ego. It doesn't. For I am a recycled human and I have recyled other humans. I feel shamed. It doesn't matter that it was accomplished within the depths of my heart. What matters is that it was accomplished. This isn't the world where my heart lives, so I thought I'd take a break from it for another bunch of years, maybe forever. The value of recycling humans has no relation to our environmental endeavors. Simply put it is a sign of our devalued times. Politically I could accomplish this same argument across the globe, with newcomers, refugees, women, children, men, animals....we know those, they are in the news.
As I assisted the elderly Iranian woman and her walker on to the bus to her destination, I smiled and waved. She spoke no english except for the trained sentence of "thank you sister". Here she is, tiny and lovely traveling in faith across a world not of her own understanding. She knows value.
As I walk away leaving her in the good hands of the bus driver, I wave with a reassuring smile before I duck my head and pull into my world. Today, I feel recycled. Tomorrow I will once again pull my head high and walk like Laura Croft through the castle that is my city of home. Yet I have once again learned my value and this recycled human concept of dating is not mine own. Being alone, works better for me, because I never was very good at recycling. Vxo
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