Sunday, February 3, 2013

GTOC Blog #34 It's after midnight...Would I be in bed by now if I had a good man there waiting for me?

I am sitting here typing a blog following a grueling day of work.  Sunday, my day off.  No......  I asked a friend how his day was and he said, busy...lot's of stuff to do with my kids....I replied....I am still working.  He said, I know, it is what we do...who we are. 

As of midnight, I stopped working.  My arms and back are sore from the type of work I am not quite so accustomed to any more.  I suppose I am getting too old to intimidate the young bucks treeplanting in the reforestation fields any longer.  However, I sincerely believe given the opportunity....I'd still put them through their paces.  I might hurt, unable to move, sleep, while they leisurely rest their young bones,...but I know the next day,....I will do it again...showing I can accomplish more, even physically has always been a simple however now increasingly strenuous accomplishment for me.

Tonight however, disassembling a kiosk that had been donated to our Healthy Tasting Room via Furniture and Farm Friend.ze,....I knew, I was in over my head.  Thank Goodness for Cassie, her boyfriend Jess and my Son Conor....and the kindly concierge who assisted us with his good natured humor as the tiring night progressed.

And so I return home, with thank you's to Cassie's Jess as he headed off to a full evening shift of work.  I love you's and hugs from Conor and Cassie....and "Glad you are home comments" from Sissy & Gabriel.  As well we shall not forget the prancing hand licking June Bug....yeah....home sweet home.  I am such a fortunate woman and mother.

Yet here I type.  It is now 12:48 and would I be cuddled in bed by now, if I had a good man waiting for me?

The answer, I cannot decide whether I am sorry to say yes, or sorry to say no....must be a well rounded "No".

Here in lies my dilema.  I am a good, loving woman.  I know this.  I am strong.  I know this too.  I have my convictions...and I intend to succeed in my life goals.   Sadly, I am yet to be convinced that there is such a good man that would accept that I would divert my attention from them in my efforts to  express my inner workings via this blog so that women everywhere,....striving, aspiring, women with the conviction to succeed in their life goals would also feel as strongly as I do....this is a good thing.  This is an amazing thing! 

I have met many a good man and while the acceptance of my far reaching goals draw their attraction, the work required  wherein they have difficulty to witness that I must accomplish to achieve the baby steps towards my impossible goals is staggering.  The sacrifice even a new level of staggering.  And yet I continue, head strong. Why...tonight on a day that was intended for family time, I ask myself....why?  Then I reach out to my loving children.  Not only do I know the answer to "why", so do they.  "Because I can."....and I am convinced "They too Can."  As Can You, who read this blog.

My Children have learned a life lesson, foreign to many potential suitors I meet.  Dream huge, dream beyond anyone's reality, Believe in it, Work hard to achieve it,  ... and most importantly.... never Give up.  And my children have learned this by witnessing, my sacrifices, my hard work and my love of life.  I can smile everyday as I awake, because my children and I make it clear,....we not only love each other, we love life.

Knowing dreams are becoming my reality.

In church today, Fr. Francis had me in tears while he spoke of a real true love in marriages.  I was married 18 years.  Of which most of those 18, I was very unhappy.  The happy years were the one's that began with my children. I strove daily to achieve a real marriage.  I cried in silence every evening before laying next to my husband.  And I knew.  Life was more than this.  Yet I continued.  Everyday.  And every evening, I prayed....Please God...find me an acceptable avenue to be free of this pain, agony, loveless, abusive marriage...but if it is for my beautiful children...I will stay.  My love of my life and my love of my children kept me prisoner to a marriage intent on diminishing that strong, loving, goal oriented woman in me.

And then one day.  I was free.  I shook.  I was terrified.  I didn't know what "free" was. 

It has taken me 9 years to answer the "why question" and the "what is free" question.  So to all you single women, with or without children,....starting over.,....rediscovering the who's the what's the where's and the why's .....while we still ache for that lovely gentleman's arms to hold us at days end and to reassure us that we are loved........

WE are loved.  Freedom to love your world, the manner you wish to love your love.  Open your arms wider....and revel in it.

WE are loved.  Why?....because we choose to love others.  Without judgment and ridicule.  We open our arms and we the manner we wish to be loved.

We have the choice of dreaming to achieve.  We continue to achieve our goals.  ...and we believe in ourselves....we don't require "that good gentleman" to believe in us in order to achieve our goals.

Yes, we do yearn for "that good gentleman" still.

And somewhere out there, is your "good gentleman"...whether you meet him or not (and I like many single women do wish to)  This "good gentleman" will also revel in your achievements, knowing you must sacrifice so much in life and you must work hard, to achieve your impossible dream.  You will meet him one day and he will are that "good woman"....and at days end, when you have completed your list of to do's and made note to many other aspiring women via your blog encouraging them to achieve their beliefs....

So what is your misfortune should you not meet that "good gentleman"...none.  For your impossible dream is achieved and you know you are loved

And should you meet that "good gentleman"....both he and you will know love.....and as you enter those closing efforts to your will feel his arms envelope you.....LOVE...."when you are ready"....he will whisper in your ear....and like always.  You will know.  You are loved, for you have Loved.....and you fight hard, to LOVE more.

My beautiful friends.  I complete this blog knowing that June Bug, Ry Cooder and Baby Gaby await me in my bed.   I will achieve very little sleeps as they shuffle for space on our tiny mattress.  Yet one by one, I will hug each with a thank you kiss.....for I am loved.  Irregardless of when my "good gentleman" shall arrive.  I am loved by my most beautiful of achievements,.....because at 1:37 am, even without me cuddled next to them, they still believe in my why's, how's, what's & where's of my time spent blogging love and hope  to those of whom I believe in and their why's, how's, what's & where's ....good night.   V xo

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