Something like a countdown.
However, when I wake up at 2:31 a.m., I have to decide to get up and work or to get an icy cold glass of water and go back to sleep.
Usually, I walk around the house, check all the windows and doors and go back to sleep. As I fluff 5 comforters over me, I shiver. I keep the house pretty cold in the winter and most summer days the shade of the trees keeps it pretty cool too. To conserve on the utility bills I pay for Rose Hall women's home I keep the temperature there low as well. However I keep ours even lower. It would be unfair to expect them to wear a sweater and conserve and not do the same myself.
By 3 a.m. I fall asleep hoping the utility bills won't be too high as usually the women have an electric space heater in their rooms to make up for the low house temperatures. We don't do that here. We wear sweaters and slippers, but we cuddle a lot and that makes up for the difference and more.
I want to take on their struggles that I can so that they feel free to work within their personal struggles that hold them back from achieving their goals.
Usually, I fall back to sleep within a few moments of thought filled stresses reversed to moments of gratification that I am strong enough to do what needs to be done for all GTOC's women.
It isn't just financial and heartstring stresses I take on though. Sometimes I take on their ghosts. On those nights I don't fall back to sleep and the next morning, boy do I pay for it! Those mornings I stare out from my foyer. Steaming coffee soothing my being. It is on those mornings that I must force my conscious back to basic gratifications. It is really difficult because most times those I am giving of myself to assist are stealing from me and are being negative on my efforts for reasons of self deserving beliefs. Not self value, but the "give me" factor I work so hard in teaching them to change. While it hurts when they steal from me knowing by doing so I cannot afford to feed my own family, I wouldn't change what I do. In fact, I am not complaining. There is a strength I have learned here. My mom calls it Detaching with Love.
So usually, I return to sleep by 3:30 a.m. It is then my angels must kick in feeling sorry for me because I am pleasantly dreaming until my first alarm awakens me with a very soft british voice...."It is 5 o'clock". I smile as I hug my pillow, deliver morning kisses to Ms June Bug and slip on my big sweater and slippers to shuffle to the kitchen and make coffee. Mr. Ry Cooder meows his intent to be fed and has taken to softly holding my arm as I open the fridge door to retrieve his can of food. I try to ignore all the messages, emails and postings now buzzing their arrival to my smart phone. My brain is still in sleepy love mode.
That first sip of coffee so strong it could bend your spoon, soothes my morning being. I stare over the front yard through my foyer window, often taking photos of it's rugged beauty. I have a good life.
I push aside all the negative people, all the organizations that promised their sponsorships of our efforts and pulled out, and all the other things I have to deal with today. As a dear friend once told me, "I choose happiness." This one moment is mine to communicate my Love of Life, my Happiness with my world and it is my one moment in this day to revel in it.
Today a beautiful friend who was looking rather troubled told me I positively changed her day with my smile.
Yes this makes me a success in my life.
15 years ago I started praying for my freedom would come in a manner I could handle. 10 years ago, I achieved that freedom, with the most amazing 4 children any mother could wish for. I also prayed that I would never become embittered by our horrible experiences, that I would regain my person I once was, happy and loving, hard working and a high achiever. We have had our trials and frustrations but we learned to be a team. All the frustrations, self sacrifices and open heart efforts have afforded us a family love beyond my wildest expectations.
Normally, I don't blog about the simple life of someone like me. I am nobody and it really doesn't mean much to many to read words on my boring life. I think it is important though for people who help other people and people who are being helped to feel the true value of each other. There is nothing self deserving and there is not a self sacrifice. I am not rich, I simply struggle everyday too. But I LOVE LIFE and I want others to love their lives too. Because when you start to, you then begin to achieve happiness.
This is called LIFE.
LIFE is the business of GTOC.
I am nobody. Yet I have been described as "The Richest Woman in Belleville". I think it is the smile. :) Behind the smile though, it is important to be understood that I struggle too. People who steal from me, harm the well being of my family because I have already given you everything we have and usually more.
As I wind up my evening, I look at my financials. As the head of a Corporation proving to be the next greatest Canadian achievement for it's own people, I have to keep an eye on the financials. I tell myself, I need to pay more attention to my personal financials too. In fact, I am trying to tell myself that I need to pay more attention to "the bottom line" because it is those organizations, associations and corporations that succeed in winning the financial support from the world, not corporations that help to fix the people who get harmed in their processes.
But I have to BELIEVE. I might be a dreamer, but I am a practical dreamer. AND I DO BELIEVE.
Today as my beautiful friend imparted her need to feel my smile to positively affect her day, I knew I simply believed in my world. This smile was free. No Corporation will fail because they delivered the smile that could change the course of someone's day. For 2 seconds, I wasn't nobody.
three: That is LIFE.
two: LIFE is the business of GTOC.
one: Tomorrow Morning I will sip coffee in my foyer after another restless, stress filled night, and I will give thanks that I have the opportunity to smile and believe in my world for another day. Vxo
Measuring success is a difficult thing, many we try and help take advantage of our good nature and sometimes it might be years before you realize just how much you've done. When I worked in addictions our "Technical" success rate ( five years sober) was about 5%-7% and a high percent we worked with were just using the system. This always bothered me immensly at the time, our funding was very tight, but I'm occassionally reminded of how the ripples we put into the pond of humanity spread. Earlier this week by a former client tapped on the shoulder at Timmies, I hadn't seen him in 15 years, he's been sober 25 years now, married, had children and now grand children... all of whom were just an impossible dream when I first met him.
ReplyDelete