I am going to back up. For the last 10 years of the 18 of my marriage I went to bed every night huddled as far into the bed frame as I could, praying for a freedom from a world I was manipulated into accepting as my reality. I remember my exact prayer, "Please God, find a way to change my life positively for me and my children, that is acceptable to my personal being. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to remain within the world I was in." For 10 years I cried this. At night snuggled up to the hard bed frame, and in the morning I sobbed while the water ran for my bath. 10 years. That is a long time worthy of being labelled a lifetime.
Now let me bring life forward. 10 years ago my husband and the father of my children left. He abandoned us. He left the country. Life has been hard. A struggle of grand proportions. I was okay with that. I have held true to my belief. "I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than remain within the hell I was living."
So I tried the dating. Never having truly dated, everyone I dated was disasterous!! So I stopped dating.
I am okay with that too. Yes I have wishful moments of a full true traditional family like so many of my friends, but I am okay with not ever having that.
Lets bring time to current. Today.
My heart broke today. I was always okay with being alone, as long as I had my children near. This past year my children have had varying degrees of separation from me. None as devastating as today's. I do have permanent damage. I am first and foremost a Mom. I would give up my world to not have felt today's degree of separation.
Being alone from my children never entered my thoughts during the 10 years of prayer, or the last 10 years of struggle. It is however inevitable. Preparations need be. Of course I am integrating next stages of Momhood into filling my life with Workhood. But combine this Momhood degree of separation with the Workhood degree of disrespect from the women I put my whole family at risk for in order to help. This is lonely. A combined lonely I never expected.
I will refigure and and will cope.
However, here is what I want everyone to know. Sometimes love is lonely and that is okay. Sometimes love and lonely needs a strength beyond our known capabilities and that is okay too.
It is in these moments that we fully address love for our own person. Sometimes we feel entirely alone. It is that personal love for self that will "hug" you through these difficult times.
In the morning. Love how the leaves bud/grow/fall from the trees as you sip your morning coffee.
In the afternoon. Love how the sun sparkles across the water as you lunch alone on the bay.
In the evening. Love how the stars sparkle over you.
One of my new favorite quotes, "Eat Diamonds in the morning and sparkle all day."
It isn't always the easy road to sparkle when wallowing deep with your depths of alone. However, when you love you, sparkle is easier.
Life is about the journey.
Build your structure of Love, even when it hurts.
Allow Love of Life to rule your emotion.
And my friends!!!!First and foremost for you!!!!
Eat Diamonds for Breakfast and Sparkle All Day