Thursday, August 28, 2014

GTOC Blog#54 A New Version of Lonely Love Vxo

The last few weeks have been quite interesting, as a Mom and a Student and a Business Person.

I am going to back up.  For the last 10 years of the 18 of my marriage I went to bed every night huddled as far into the bed frame as I could, praying for a freedom from a world I was manipulated into accepting as my reality.  I remember my exact prayer,  "Please God, find a way to change my life positively for me and my children, that is acceptable to my personal being.  I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to remain within the world I was in."  For 10 years I cried this.  At night snuggled up to the hard bed frame, and in the morning I sobbed while the water ran for my bath.  10 years.  That is a long time worthy of being labelled a lifetime.

Now let me bring life forward.  10 years ago my husband and the father of my children left.  He abandoned us.  He left the country.  Life has been hard.  A struggle of grand proportions.  I was okay with that.  I have held true to my belief.  "I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than remain within the hell I was living."

So I tried the dating.  Never having truly dated, everyone I dated was disasterous!!  So I stopped dating.
I am okay with that too.  Yes I have wishful moments of a full true traditional family like so many of my friends, but I am okay with not ever having that.

Lets bring time to current.  Today.

My heart broke today.  I was always okay with being alone, as long as I had my children near.  This past year my children have had varying degrees of separation from me.  None as devastating as today's.  I do have permanent damage.  I am first and foremost a Mom.  I would give up my world to not have felt today's degree of separation.

Being alone from my children never entered my thoughts during the 10 years of prayer, or the last 10 years of struggle.  It is however inevitable.  Preparations need be.  Of course I am integrating next stages of Momhood into filling my life with Workhood.  But combine this Momhood degree of separation with the Workhood degree of disrespect from the women I put my whole family at risk for in order to help.  This is lonely.  A combined lonely I never expected.

I will refigure and and will cope.

However, here is what I want everyone to know.  Sometimes love is lonely and that is okay.  Sometimes love and lonely needs a strength beyond our known capabilities and that is okay too.

It is in these moments that we fully address love for our own person.  Sometimes we feel entirely alone.  It is that personal love for self that will "hug" you through these difficult times.

In the morning.  Love how the leaves bud/grow/fall from the trees as you sip your morning coffee.
In the afternoon.  Love how the sun sparkles across the water as you lunch alone on the bay.
In the evening.  Love how the stars sparkle over you.

One of my new favorite quotes, "Eat Diamonds in the morning and sparkle all day."

It isn't always the easy road to sparkle when wallowing deep with your depths of alone.  However, when you love you, sparkle is easier.

Life is about the journey.
Build your structure of Love, even when it hurts.
Allow Love of Life to rule your emotion.

And my friends!!!!First and foremost for you!!!!
Eat Diamonds for Breakfast and Sparkle All Day


  1. I'm not going to write that I know how you feel, because I don't. I can empathize though because my daughter moved to BC last year. I miss her terribly. But, I think we as parents have it a bit easier than the previous generation due to the advent of social media. I text her constantly so it is not as though I have to wait for a Sunday phone call. I see her pictures on Facebook and what she sends to me of her and her dog. I do wish I could hug her and tell her how proud I am though. It sounds as though you are finding your efforts with some of the women you help are not appreciated. But I think the harsh reality is that some people feel they are entitled without having to do anything in return. Would I be wrong in saying that when you are feeling down about your work that you tell yourself that they aren't deserving of your efforts? And I would guess you feel horrible when you think that way. But V, you have a right to. Some don't deserve it, especially if they are disrespectful. Its why I abandoned my wish to get into social services work. I knew I would take it personally and I knew it would eat away at me if I didn't see every client triumph. You are an inspiration and a shining light. Those who fail to see that are the ones who ultimately lose out, not you.

  2. Oh my girl. I just got this!! I can feel your pain, because you get it. You are the most beautiful person and Mom I know. You have been my own personal angel for so many years and when I see your pain, I feel it....I just can't imagine.

    Am I thinking my GTOC ladies don't deserve, I am not sure. I took a hiatus and pulled away from accepting new women into the program while I sorted out my thoughts. When I created GTOC it was because I found women who were willing to work hard to achieve. When I opened Rose Hall, I allowed women desperate for a decent place to live. I do believe they deserved a wonderful, safe, homey environment. Were they hard working women willing to achieve self sustainability? Some maybe yes, some maybe no. The one ability they all held in common was their ability to attempt to "pull the wool" over my eyes. I knew what they were doing but I truly wanted to believe in them. So I allowed it. I have lost a lifetime of income and I have put my children through very difficult times in an attempt to believe in these wonderful women. I thought when they had almost drained me and my kids of everything and we were suffering to eat that I would become jaded.

    However, this hiatus has gifted me with the recollection of why I started GTOC. For hard working women. I will always assist the women who would abuse my support, but I now will never again allow them to abuse the system and my family, that I have set up within GTOC.

    For the women willing to work hard for their futures, that is exactly why GTOC was created. Now is the time to ensure it's sustainability and it's structured return following it's hiatus.

    What have I learned? "You can dig the well, and break your back doing it. The people who need the water from the well will either share it or hoard it. You don't stop the hoarders from drinking from the well, you simply create equal rules for everyone, so that no one is given the opportunity to take more than their share."

    I hope that answers your questions re GTOC. ps. thank you for believing in me all these years.

    Re being a Mom, I am like you. I am still learning. I can only tell you this. I loved my Mom. Dearly. But I left her for a fool. It took me over 20 years to realize I was the one that allowed myself to be separated from her. I hurt her, I now know that. Since my moment of realization I given her every possible moment. This my friend will happen for you as well. I know it. Because I have witnessed your level of love. It never goes un noticed. Something in your child's life has skewed her balance. Your continued balance will bring her home when she is ready.

    Ever I am your friend. You teach me more from life than any one person I could have ever had the opportunity to encounter. You my love, are loved by everyone who encounters you. I only wish I could tell you more how very much you mean to me. Vxo