Thursday, October 2, 2014

GTOC Blog #55 And so Dad. Here we go.

Where did you want to be by this time in your life?

Me, I wanted to own my own Corporation.  Help others.  Live Arts.  Travel to not so common places....learn about real life.

Who were my heros?  I am not sure I had any until approximately 10 years ago.

I look at my time pre 10 years ago, like it wasn't real.  I have always been able to turn away from the daily struggles and pains to look forward, real or focus has always been on the world I foresee for myself, my children and those who's cause I hold dear.

When it kicked into my brain that my Dad was not fighting for his life, he was definitely slowly dieing, something inside of me screamed.  That inside scream has lasted a long time now.  I took up studying everything I remembered of my Dad.  Some of the struggles he endured held similarities to my own.  But mostly, our true likeness I hold dear to is our ability to smile, to hold strong and to help others to do the same.

As I look back though, the one thing my Father never did, was to allow others to affect his family.  He always held his family strong.  And when we were weak he held strong for us.

I am not my Dad.  However, he is my hero. Someone I attain to be like.  Am I as hard on my children?  No.  I can make every excuse in the world why I am not, but truthfully, I simply want to love them.   Every moment I spend with them strengthens my resolve to support their goals, not my own and not the "way of the world".  I can't blame my Dad for teaching me that my role was only to be a Mom or a woman who worked small jobs till she became a Mom.  It was the "way of the world" he believed in.

I can however tell you, that my life lessons and my time as a Mom have taught me strengths that were natural to my Dad.  Somehow by my age I am just starting to see, hear & experience the world he once lived.  It is a world he lived at a very young age.  It is how he became a world traveled story teller.

Today one of my teacher's asked me if there was anything I had never done.  My mind doesn't go to that side.  Instead I responded, "I once jumped off a cliff".  I could have told him I fell off one too, but instead I told him,  "Always in life there are opportunities.  If you see them, you can say yes to them.  I always looked for them and I always said yes."

There is so much more I am ready to do.  Remember my list of what I thought I would achieve by this time in my life?


I do own my own corporation....time to make it effective.
I am still helping others.....time to make my corporation take social enterprise to mainstream business.
I live Art.  The corporation owns the boutique.  I surround myself with the influence of Artists everyday.......the logo of the Boutique....."Life is an Art".
Travel to not so common places.....this is the brunt of my current research.......there is something inside of me yearning to meet those in the world who have suffered greatest tragedies.  I am terrified because I absorb their essence.  Yet how can I not be near them when I know I can make them smile.  I don't know how I know...I simply feel it.  Their smiles, will be beginnings to new worlds.  For them and for me.

Our global world is our real world of today.  It's not the world I grew up in.  It's the world my father traveled but brought home within his stories.  Our global world of today holds truths.  Truths the media can not relay, because it cannot be done without bias.

Since the boutique has opened, several people have returned repeatedly, because they enjoy the little bit of culture we try to express.  Something I fear is missing in our smaller world.  Something I have taught my children from the time of their births, that exists for them in the larger global world.  I ask many questions of these patrons.  Maybe too many questions because often they don't return for longer periods of time.  But they always return.

My question....teach me of your experiences in the Global world.

In 2015, my time arrives to venture forth.  Where will I go?   What will I do?  Evidently, I will fulfill my goals.  What ever I do,.....those goals I set forth in my pre teens are coming to fruition.  Even life's undescribable detours cannot affect these final goals.

And so I posted today a response to my youngest son of his query of "true happiness"....

"true happiness comes from inside you, from accepting yourself, both your gifts and your faults. Be grateful for both. Then look outside of yourself and be thankful for the beauty that surrounds you. The bugs, the leaves....the sky. They support who you are inside and ask you to let the world see and feel truly you. This my dear is the strongest of strengths and your beautiful true gift to the world." 

And so Dad.  Here we go.  Perhaps an unconventional journey in your eyes, for your daughter, but one I know you understand as a heart who loved the world.
I am terrified.  But that hasn't stopped me prior either.  I have haters of my strengths, that never stopped you either.  Mostly though, people now show a strength in love of spirit.  Something that might have been difficult to express in your time.  Some of those people remember you Dad.  But mostly, I remember you.  I remember moments you afforded to me, because of who I am.

I could say I miss you.  I could say I wish you were here to help me to feel safe.  But you were my role model.  You were/are my hero.  Someone for me to attain to. You instilled in me a strong, unjudgemental, love of the world that not everyone understands.

So I know you walk with me Dad.  Remember that gateway to anywhere you built for us kids?
It's my turn to walk through.
Thank you for showing me how......xoxo Niki     .... Vxo

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