Monday, July 20, 2015

GTOC Blog #63 Walking the Dog in tune.

I try to only walk Junipers at night.  She is black as night and the sun is her nemesis in the summer heat.  In the winter, snow ravages her paws.  We are given limited time and space within which we can walk together.  We both need the movement.  She's only 5 and I am only 50....yet we conquer on our physical pains of age.

June's routine represents the animalistic routine of marking territory.

Mine involves the random shuffle of the most played list on my phone.  Head phones in, we enter the world of 99 problems.  We are both bitches in my world but the song dictates we are not a part of the problem....we pace through  remembering the woman, the bitch who made our life hell.  She withheld money for food while spending thousands on duplicates of clothing never to be worn due to her wish to have my model frame versus her own plump one and consistently purchasing clothing more suited to mine than her  own.  Yet I was the bitch with the problems, because I had no one to stand for me.  No strong man to tell me I was beautiful.  Therefore I was ugly and because her husband thought me beautiful and desired sex from me at times, those long times she  was adverse to him.....

Wow fantastic baby....I wanna dance baby,  on the day he told you it turned him on for you to have power over men.  You were dared.  You were scared because you were nothing and ugly, but you chose to please him.  You thought this was love.  You walked in, you saw, you directed, you took, from many, you made notes, you left behind a souvenier (your soul in the form of pink lace heart and rhinestones) and you called him.  He was busy.  His wife sensed you.

I Like it Comon Comon Comon,  SandM, SandM, SandM, ... when you finally met, there were inquiries.  He couldn't wait to hear what you had accomplished that his wife would not.  It turned him on.  You thought this was love.  So you recanted how the multitudes beat you down.  Defiled you.  He got hard.  You thought this was love.  Yet somewhere in the back of your mind you asked yourself about the pain of the back of their hands....

I am on this fast track, it's just a regular two man show.....  so you visited his friend.  She was his other girlfriend, but you didn't know and she didn't know.  You became better friends without him.  but he asked and you thought it was love.  So the two of you found a victim for the fast track, who could resist?  We did an adventure that would numb our worlds, and you took notes.  You recanted while he got hard.  You thought this was love.

The cycle repeated as explosions broke in the sky... so dating was an option.  Someone for my own. Separate from the shame of the adverse wife.  I picked an old friend.  His insanity ruled.  You became encumbered in blood.  Fear brought the courage of laughter.  You dared laughter only to discover he'd beaten the last who found laughter in fear.  Icicles filled your blood.

Back door lover, always hiding neath the covers.....  and this beautiful man found you....walk this way.....but by now you only knew how to serve sex.....Just give me a this  conversation was not your forte, intelligence was buried in juices of  the tongue, of the places mom refuse to tell you about.  You thought this was love.

Maneater make you work hard, make you spend hard,  so you met the user.  The juvenile that would abuse you from the day you met.  It was all you knew, sex and "dis" kept him till the day you begged the police to remove him from your life.  Fear hurt you and your children.  Endings were better.

This is the End, Hold your Breath and Count to Ten, Feel the Earth Move and then, Hear my Heart burst again......  so all men were kept away.....swept away and stolen,  as a team, as a family we crumbled and rebuilt together, we became strong,  we will stand tall and face it all together as sky falls,  ... put your hand in my hand and we will stay.....  family rocked the world.  We faced it all together, we are love.  We forgave.  We stood tall.  The sky fell in on us and we stood tall.  All others faded away, including "him".  We found love.

 I finally discovered love.  

It didn't use me. "I saw a spider and I didn't scream, 'cause I can belch the alphabet, just double dog dare me, and I chose guitar over ballet and I take these suckers down, cause they just get in my way!"
It didn't abuse me. "I was left to my own devices, many days fell away with nothing to show and the walls fell around in the city we love, but if you close your eyes does it feel like nothing's changed at all..."
It opened its arms to me and I to them. "we are not your kind of people, you seem kinda funny, everythings alive, we are not your kind of people, something in your make up don't seem eye to eye, We are not your kinda people, don't want to be like you ever in our lives, "
It was alive."this shiney city built of gold, far cry from innocence, there's more than meets the eye round here, in the waters of the deep, its the beast and harlot," 
It couldn't end. "you change your mind like a girl changes clothes!"
Each morning it was there. "Maybe I need some rehab or maybe just need some sleep, I gotta a sick obsession, I am seein it in my dreams..."
It was ready to fly my nest. "Is this the real life, is this just fantasy, got in a landslide, no escape from reality.."
It's okay.  I will cry.  "Another blinger with the slick finger trick for the magesty,  another one with the golden tongue poisoning your fantasy,  another bill from the killer to a thrill of a tragedy yeah door is open, woman walking by, a drunk in the water, a look in your eye, a comb on the table,  a man on your side, a someone that you think that you can trust, ... it's just another way to die!!!" 
Juniper and I will go on walks and cry to the tunes again when you are gone. "I heard a distant early warning,  but I chose to ignore it,  it came back and bit me!!  "
But the tunes will be different. "Take me down to the very last city, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty,  oh won't you please take me home"
They are the tunes of true love. "I have love, oh babe I will travel, oh I have love, oh babe I will travel, I said if you need a lovin oh babe I will travel"
Not the end of love. " Feelin my way through the darkness, guided by a beaten heart,  I can't tell where the journey will end, but I know where it'll start."
Simply stronger love. "you tell all the boys no, makes you feel good,'ve carried on so long you couldn't stop if you tried it,  you built your walls so high that no one could climb it, but I'm gonna try,  would you let me see beneath your beautiful, would you let me see beneath your perfect...."
Love out there in the world. "you let all the girls go, makes you feel good, don't it.  Behind your broadway show I heard a voice say please don't hurt me.  You've carried on so long you couldn't stop if you tried it,   You built your walls so high that no one could climb it, but I'm gonna try, would you let me  see beneath your beautiful, would you let me see beneath your perfect.  Take it off now boy, take if off now boy, I wanna see inside, would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight.
That no matter where you are music will always carry you home to me. "give me love like ours" 
I am scared to be alone without you. "cause lately I've been waking up alone."
So I cry sometimes while I am out walking Juniper, listening to the tunes you put on my phone.  "and I have found my corner"
I will be somewhere in the world "maybe tonight I'll call you"
And put my earphones in. "after my blood turns into alcohol"
And know, you are there with me. "oh I just want to hold you" 
In my soul "give a little time to me"
Because you are mine. "I promise  I will play hide an seek" 
And I am yours. "mommia, mommia, give me love, mommia mommia give me love oh love"
LOVE.  Mom  xo

No comments:

Post a Comment