I am unclear how it seems that way!
I too have moments when I remember "what was"....when the pain of "what was" overwhelms me. These moments usually follow a meeting with a woman who has recanted her "what was or sometimes what is" experience. It is a necessary communication to share in the forward projection. Like two team mates inciting the survival chant.....the expression of past and the desire to inject a positive future. Yet it triggers a pain inside of me, a pain of a life I have chosen to forget....a pain that another woman hurt so similarly deep...a pain that hundreds of thousands of women hurt so much more ...and no one knows they are hurting or no one listens to their cries for help..
At least I can now express my pain. I can cry and know it's okay to cry. After 18 years of not crying....this is a big deal. Yet I do it often now. Actually I cry after every meeting with an Aspiring Woman. Then for about 2 weeks, I heal. The tears however, have changed.
I am not grieving at the loss of hope. I am crying tears of gratitude that the hope within me has been rekindled for I remember well the day I made THE decision,....somehow Shakespeare dramatizes it for me "to be or not to be". I obviously chose "TO BE".
When each of us chooses "to be", we do not make this decision lightly, or selfishly. We choose for those we love, we choose for those who love us and then finally, we choose to survive.
Every meeting with an Aspiring woman ends on a positive note. There is a HUGE life to be lived and we have chosen to live it. It is important for every Aspiring Woman to know that there are women all around them who have endured, made similar life decisions, and that the community surrounding them is in support of their efforts.
How simple is it for an Aspiring Woman, following years, sometimes decades of indignities to live and breathe "positive notes"? It isn't. Perhaps because I have been there, I understand this. However, what I also understand is the state of mind that comes with the decision to live life on a POSITIVE NOTE.
Sometimes we need a positive influence around us, to understand our own force of positivity and how we can affect the world with it.
Sometimes we have to understand that part of our healing is simply learning that it is okay to hurt and to feel the past. It is when we accept ownership of our past and re-create our future that we begin to feel alive and to progress on a positive note.
So each morning as I awake;
I thank God for my children...who love me and all my faults beyond measure....and I wish and pray that I can be a better Mother to them. I look to those I love and ask how I can make them smile.
I look to my day and ask, how can I help someone make their day better? ...and I pick one person to positively affect.
And I thank God for my Mom everyday, for believing in me.
I am so thankful to now have these opportunities in life that perhaps, YES. Perhaps I do live a charmed life.
Upon rising, I kiss my baby Gaby, June Bug & Rye Cooder and hug each monster as they awake. While the coffee brews I search my emails, for those asking to communicate aid and then I surf our world in search of the beauty and wonderousness of our world that I can retrieve and share with others, to inspire them to feel and share it's beauty.
Then my heart fills.....and yes.....
I live a "charmed" life of hurt, of failures, of successes, and of greatest loves and of achievements.....without which I would still be the shell of a woman awaiting to accept her indignities as her past. V xo