Each morning as I contemplate my life, sitting with my morning coffee in the sunshine with Missy Sissy, June Bug & Ry Cooder, I ask myself life questions. With all the transitional turmoils of the past few weeks, today's question resounded with the banging of a drum so loud I could not complete my usual meditation in love of life and appreciation within my soul. This questioning drum beat on my early morning brain offensively gathering the fog of doubts in who I am, in what I am doing & how am I achieving my goals.
"WHAT IS MY GREATEST NEED!!!"
I thought my response would be MONEY! But it wasn't.
I thought my response would be BOYFRIEND/HUSBAND/SECURITY!! But it wasn't that either.
When a very small, meek voice that held the strength of 4 decades of struggles, emerged...I need to help others.
Damn.....I really really thought it would be the need for money...
This internal realization put forth into the world is becoming an actualization I have been acting upon, sometimes highly criticized upon because without a clear cut through the fog, this subconscious need to help others most often occurred to my own detriment.
And so, my internal voice screamed at me "YOU NEED TO HELP OTHERS"....
I am sure my neighbors, June Bug & Ry Cooder considered my need to be institutionalized as I screamed back, loud & clear.....
"HOW THE HELL CAN I HELP OTHERS WHEN I CANNOT EVEN HELP MYSELF???"
There are chores to be done,
Money to be made,
Kids to be fed,
Bills to be paid,
Responsibilities, Responsibilities, Responsibilities!
And I curled deeper into my housecoat and I peered over my now cold coffee cup and between the tree branches up to the newly lit blue sky, determined to hide from my external and internal self....tenaciously defiant.
Then I felt a hand on my shoulder and my Dad who whispers to me now and again spoke softly in his resoundingly deep voice to the corner of my brain where the reverberations of the drum had not quite deafened....."Your Greatest Need has ALWAYS been to help others and God gave you the Intelligence to do it Wisely"
Then Gabriel breathed a great sigh, deeply asleep from his bed, June Bug softly laid her head in my lap and licked my hand, and Ry Cooder stretched in his comfortable position and dug his claws into my legs ( he is a cat you know).
So I looked around me. No one was here to help me yet I hadn't done so bad.
We still have a whole house as a safe haven for women & children at Risk.
We have not starved in over 9 years.
We still had a roof over our heads.
We are healthy.
And my heart beat loud with love, but did not deafen my brain.
And my brain said, create an unconventionally creative plan.
Then work hard.
And have faith.
"Because God gave you the Greatest of Loves and the Wisest of Intelligences to Fulfill Your Need to Help Others".
and so it begins anew......the unconventionally creative plan.....GTOC.