I am no holds barred entirely in complete admiration of my Mother. It's a detail I never omit from my daily thoughts, discussions, prayers. I proudly reveal to all, I have never had a harsh word with my Mother. I couldn't.
I have however allowed myself to be drawn away from my Mother, avoided her for years, pushed her away, blamed her for my own misguided decisions....disappointed her, I know in essence, I broke her heart.....then the exact moment I called to her "Mom, I need you...." she was there. She didn't "fix" everything for me....instead she reminded me of all the strengths she had taught me. It has been a journey the past 8 years relearning those strengths and my Mom has been by my side most days,....foot to my behind some days too.
So here I am....a Mom. I remember the exact second I conceived each child born and each child lost. We start by building a brick wall around our children. It's a solid brick wall. 3 bricks thick with barely a spacer for air. We are the protectors. As they begin their adventures into the world with their first steps, we pull back some bricks....thickness of the wall remains, but we allow more spacers. Room to expand horizons, till the day comes when we have to put wheels on the brick wall. So that everywhere they go....and boy do they go!!!! We can protect them. We fight for them. We heal them. We give everything of ourselves to them, ....because we are teaching them to fly...like we know how to fly......and one day whether we are ready or not.....they beginning kicking at the brick wall. Some days with a little pic ax, some days with a jack hammer. It hurts. It is nothing less than painfilled. They don't see our pain....their faces are to the sky....they desire flight! Their only focus is flight.....their only goal is to soar! We remember that feeling.....the desire,....the release.....the full expansion of our wings.....and we want that for our children....yes.....we tear down that brick wall knowing we did our absolute best. We instilled our faith, our love, our strengths, our SAFETY RULES for safe takeoffs and landings!!! We soar with them as they fly, and we cry with them "as we watch them build those brick walls around themselves in an attempt to feel that protection we still hold in our hearts for them. We bravely try to tell them to throw away the bricks...."you cannot soar with bricks around you"....they cannot see us cry at night, feeling their pain,...they cannot see our hearts smile as we feel their freedom of flight, strength of character & love of God.
It is then that we reminisce of the love of our Mother's arms. The safety of our own brick walls. The pain of separation and somehow our Mother's knew to keep a small portion of that brick wall standing so we could return now and again to feel it's protection and strength. We wonder how our Mother's withstood the pains we unknowingly caused them and we understand the strength of her love as she watched us fly.
As Mother's we are going to have to witness our daughter's flight, our daughter's pains, our daughter's struggles and yes we are going to have to let them do all these three in solo one day...because we taught them well.
We are NOT perfect....in fact some of us are so much less perfect than others. And our daughter's are not perfect....even though in our eyes ...yes they are. The Mother & Daughter relationship is a wall building and wall ripping down event of magnaminous proportions. (if that is actually a word it describes this well) This building and demolishing is done together, sometimes daily, sometimes after 20 years apart.
The beauty of the the Mother/Daughter relationship is eventually the daughter says "Mom, I need you....".....and eventually the Mother says "Daughter, I need you..." and the protective brick wall with all it's holes and shattered bricks remains strong because it was built on the love, faith & hope of a Mother and a Daughter.....
...today however was one of those days when the brick wall was under destruction of dynamite, TNT, jack hammers and lava (of course because lava melts rock!!!!).....so my son and I (important Mother/Son relationship moment) discussed life on this planet, in the dining room, huddled in front of our little fireplace, over a deep glass of red wine and lots of motherly hugs. ..... V