Saturday, January 28, 2012

GTOC Blog 7....When do we draw the line of forgive & forget?

Over my life time there have been people I have hurt, probably some of them consciously, others not.  In my time I have dealt with each as I hold this close to my heart.  Those I have not yet dealt with....I am getting to you....It isn't your forgiveness I am searching for, is my own.

On the flip side, I can pull bucket loads of people from my closet that have consciously done harm to myself and my family.  The person who years ago knowingly purposely ruined us financially, the multitude of people who attempted to break our family unit, the person who admittedly drove my unstable ex to drink to his insecurities, the persons who have taken advantage of my hardworking ethics to steal thousands of dollars of myself and my children in the past few years.

I contemplate the harm done.

While I make no bones about my acceptance of the day my ex consciously chose alcohol over the family we had created, I have specifically worked daily at healing my children over the abandonment they felt over their father's permanent exit from their lives.  This I can forgive for I feel we have achieved a family love without him, impossible to achieve with him.  My children's time of forgiveness is in each their own time.  I have even volunteered to take them to Thailand to re-introduce them to their father one day.

I can faithfully list the women who felt necessary to attempt a competition with me in my relationship with my ex.  My consistent verbal response to them was "if it is important for you to have him....take him, and if that is what he chooses as well, that has nothing to do with me in my life."  Some were successful, some were is their nature, not mine.  So to this day it does not concern me.  And as yet, I hold no misgivings.  To each their own.

However, this I have to say,  since my ex left, I have had to learn to pay bills, I have had to learn to earn two incomes, I have had to learn how to raise hurt children that no amount of hugging and love can cure, I have had to approach a world I was led to believe hated me, I have had to learn that I am not a disgusting, stupid, undesirable human being and most importantly I learned that God never gave up on me....neither did my monsters or my Mom & Dad.

In the past eight years, against 18 years of  opposite, I have learned.....the bills have to be paid....and on time!!!!!.....I have learned that I have the strength and will to not just have two full time jobs....but to create entities of many people's efforts & hopes in GTOC & MJH., my children adore me & I them....we are a solid family unit, I found my voice in GTOC.....and the world started to listen,.....and I found the beauty in all humans was in the sparkle in their eyes they offered to their fellow humans, ... and still every day I pray God, my monsters & my Mom & Dad will never give up on me. 

I have specific weaknesses.

My, I was approached, yet again, by an individual who knowingly stole thousands and thusly created great financial difficulty for myself & my children  to "be friends" Today's avenue, through facebook.  For a brief moment I hovered over the "add" button.  However, there I stopped. 

It is my encompassing belief through GTOC that I give everyone a chance.  Put to the test I have chosen known drug dealers over supposed friends.  These "known" drug dealers had never done harm to me or any of those I love.  I have friends that have done much worse to me. So my belief is, somewhere in their lives there will be a small window of opportunity for them to fulfill their real life's intentions.  Until a person gives me reason I cannot and will not completely turn my back on them.

So, knowingly putting my little family at financial risk & spreading lying, disparaging remarks regarding my business name throughout a small community can be catagorized as "knowingly doing harm to myself & my children."

Today I have knowingly turned my back on a human being that I know would do myself and my children harm again given the opportunity. 

I have forgiven them, I am so much stronger than that!
I now wish to forget them. 

My Mother, my hero, stated to me just once......yes please do forgive, don't hold hatred for anyone in your heart because God intended your heart to hold love, not to be filled with hatred.  However, God did not intend us to be stupid either.  He gave us a learning intelligence, one of the many gifts he gave us.  So please do not forget the lesson learned.  Move forward, there is no intelligent reasoning  for associating or aiding once again those who would willing do you harm even once.

I began this blog today with the struggle in my heart of helping a pitiful human and am now walking away with the Strength of my Mother's words in my heart to go spend a wonderful evening with the most amazing gift God ever gave me to care monsters.....V

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