I grew up in a family that remained true to the historically described severely unromantic notion of Irish Anger. I can recall several instances growing up where, dramatic anger,...larger than life....were the norm. Swift Vikingish visualizations of an enfuriating rage and decapitating ax swipe of the massive Conan the Barbarian, romantically handsome Kull the Conqueror, ahhh yes....even the terrifiying Ivan the Terrible!....were dramatisized in my everyday life as a child.....or shall I say romantisized???? My father, a true Irishman, ruled his family with an iron fist and a leprachanish twinkle in his eye...... My Mom,.....classically elegant and the solid pillar that held my father's beliefs. Mom, the Romantisized Romanian Gypsy, tiny and mighty in one solid glance. My father would educate and discuss religious and political history with my Mom with stories that kept us children enthralled through long family dinners each Sunday.....so fantastical.....yet always with humor in each story that would ignite that leprachanish twinkle. Dad would chide Mom on her Romanian ancestry with a fully accented Vladimir the Impaler historical renditions a la Boris Karloff......" I Wan TO Suck Yo Blood!!!!" ahahahahahahahahah!!!
I romantisize my childhood. I am a Storyteller like my father. When you ask, I will recant an episode unlike any you have ever experienced, taken from my life of travel, loves won, loves lost, ...and I will make you feel. Feel a lifetime you ache to experience. All embellished upon true facts. For it is how a Storyteller views there world, their community.
I have also inherited my father's tenacity....and raging anger at injustices. While my father's influence was quick to temper, my mother's was much more temperate. I thank God everyday that I recognized the difference at an early age. There have been times in my life I was justified to rage in a physical manner that would could easily subdue Ivan the Terrible and entice a full blown retreat within Vladimir himself. Without my mother's influence of self control, I could easily be incarcerated at this date. Yes I have very much been influenced by my father's tenacity to correct injustices with my Mother's temperate intellect to negotiate for the good of community.
Like my Mother I have been considered extreemly redundant and unintelligent for the majority of my life. Not because I displayed this characteristic but more because I displayed no characteristic to differentiate myself from a quiet tenacious snail that carried it's house, strong but enduringly silent. Since my father's passing, my Mother has taken on the role of being vocal in her beliefs. She no longer stands supportive behind my father...she stands true to her own, irregardless of who, what, when, ...it doesn't matter how tiny you are....stand tall....be heard....live what you believe.
The common element inherited from both my parents.....stand tall, be heard.....Live what you Believe.
At 47 years old.....I have finally heard the message my parents passed on to us children. ..."Live What you Believe".
This is no simple task.
I believe in the love, the sanctity of marriage, but even with 18 years of effort, I have yet to experienced it.
I believe in "love thy neighbor"...but I have experienced neighbors that witnessed the hardships bestowed upon myself and endured the degradation of their cheers encouraging my oppressor.
I have tried to believe in me. But I am the first to let myself down.
At 47 years old, today a simple question was asked of me and I responded, without hesitation...."Live What You Believe"
So I put before you, my Community and I put before myself .... What do You Believe???
I believe in the goodness of people.....If you tell people they are good.....they will hold true.
I believe in the love of humanity....If you tell people they can help their brother with a smile.....they will smile.
I believe in children, ..I watch many families around me trying to instill basic loves...I watch them succeed.
I believe we have been provided with an abundance, it is our duty to share...and accept what others will share.
I believe we have innate abilities to shine beyond our conceptual expectations.
I believe it is our duty as members of an international community release the conceptual inhibitions and shine to benefit our international brother and sister.
True to Governmental and Corporate structurally monetary mentalities, encompassing the international community with a movement of "communal brotherhood" is an achievement we are striving towards with intrepid steps.....they require a model.....a model of success within a structured statistical atmosphere, called "Community'.
So we are taken to task. WE are a COMMUNITY.
Within our local community we have the privileged, ...and at times even our privileged need aid.
Within our local community we have the consistents. ...and sometimes even our consistents need aid.
Within our local community we have the underprivileged,....and sometimes even our underprivileged need aid.
HERE is our model, within a structured statistical atmosphere.
HERE is our task.
What can each of us privileged, consistents, & underprivileged do within this community model to create a successful benefit to our brother and sister?
What are you willing to do? What do you believe in? What do you live?
When you decide to have children and you create a world of love around them, does it include a community that believes? Do you encourage them to engage with our international community? In this day, is there any other way to achieve knowledge other than to engage at such a level?
We ask ourselves all these questions when we bring our children into our local and international community. What do we want for our Children? We want them to experience a world better than what we experienced with the everlasting tenacious believe in respect of love and life.
So show them here, what is possible.
So show our Government what our Local Community has made possible.
So show our Corporate and International Community what we have made possible.
Stand up. Be heard. Live What You Believe.
This is our International Community Model based upon the success of our Local Community Model.
This year my Mother told me of my Father's taste for the disgusting combination of peanut butter and onions on toast. Completely my concept of an abomination of a long standing peanut butter and toast treat within my childhood and adult families. This evening, I ventured forth, petrified of the "hereditarial" abomination for this taste yet trusting of his tenaciously Irish sensibilities of old.
This evening, I tasted my first endeavor into green onion dipped in skippy peanut butter.....uncertain I dipped into the large skippy jar with my green produce, once again.....and yet a third time......shall I say 5th/6th ?????
Oh Danny Boy,;....What have you hidden from my taste buds?....What lays afront me in the newly found experience of my taste buds experimentation with endeavorous tastes of old?....come to me O'le Danny Boy for the onion dipped Skippy Be Callin' to me from times of old....
I return to my hereditary influences of a tenaciously Irish Father and a patiently Romanian Mother.....I am blessed. For my family is my Community...and I have been taught the most enduring lesson of old.....
Live What You Believe.... V xo
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
GTOC Blog #28 Allowing Self Redundance
I have to admit, I didn't categorize myself as redundant until I was eternally negated by employers searching for that one thing I did not have. It was redundant that I excelled at the exponential experience they detailed for their mundane state of position. My resume did not entail the one detail they desired....I was therefore categorized as redundant, like so many 40+ women before me.
"Hi, I am redundant....I have been searching for a meaningful position that will fill me with the gratification of accomplishment, I work hard 24/7/365/, my team adores me, my mission is to fulfill the quota entailed within the company that would employ my redundant butt.......Hi, I am redundant."
In 1993 I released my dream career to remain home with my first child, then again in 1995 with my second child, 1997 with my third & in 2001 with mr. baby gaby.
Since this decision, I unknowingly and seemingly signed the document detailing my redundancy.
In 2004, my redundancy became evident to me as the the father of all 4 of my children skipped country.
"Hi, I am redundant...I have worked within my chosen career, handed my dream job on a silver platter for my efforts, worked an abundance of meaningful positions, have the highest provincial real estate law grading, have raised 4 children and survived a physically, emotionally, & mentally abusive relationship, successfully achieving complete Love of Life, it's people, it's community....and I.........I am redundant."
Definition of Redundant: "being in excess; exceeding what is usual or natural: a redundant part."
As I explained to my children the why's of me taking a position far below my capabilities I would explain,...."Mommy has been out of work for a long time while I stayed home....there are many women who have lots and lots of education that will be Mommy's bosses."....then they would meet these "very intellectual women" and my children afterwards would say...."it sounds like Mommy is taking care of these very intellectual women,...."....and following tuck in time...I would hide in my room and cry.
I was ready to soar,....however the world around me was telling me to crawl.... why?
Sometimes, yes...we have to crawl a few times before we truly learn to soar. Each of us differs. Some soar at the offset. Some must learn to soar.....maybe we need to crash land on a few occasions before soaring encompasses our lives.
In 2005 I crash landed, with 4 children all under the age of 12. By the time 2006 arrived, I had struck a note in a new career and created an abundance of neighborhood abusers that would block my efforts to provide a living for my children. I was "kinda pretty" I worked too hard....I was a happy, loving mom,...so I must be a horrible person somewhere....the rumors were plentiful and spread from the small town moms to their small town children and were readily injected into my already injured children.
Together we faced an abundance of obstacles. To this day my only answer as to how we survived and thrived is our absolute love for each other.
In 2010, I announced my decision to create a company, not like any before me, that would aid women like me in achieving their goals. That would fill the loop holes and cracks our current system created. I created a viable business that would achieve what others of similar sorts could not.
Myself, my children, consciously decided.....we don't need a stock pile of food (we've been without for so very long, why would we need it now)....we don't need a new car ( we fly on a wing and a prayer)...we don't need designer or name brand clothing ( mom was a designer...we are too) ....we rarely go out to dinner/movies/shopping/....we have 9 acres across which we hike, together,...we dance in the fields, we borrow movies instead of having tv....we know....there is more to life than things....and we did it.
In 2012, we really did it! We,....the kids and I, created a home any woman would be proud to say she lived in. We turned our home into a place we would be proud to invite other women and their children into. We worked hard. We created flower gardens, stone walls to contain them, we cut acres of grass...created multitudes of patios for various moments in various women's lives.
Then we purchased another home. I took on a second night time job to cover the mortgages on both houses. With faith....we have pilgrimiged forward. It has taken time...and the first GTOC house for women opened it's doors in October, for the most wonderful and courageous woman and her sons. We were proud the day we met this intelligent woman who loved life in a venue identical to your own. What she required we could provide. In accepting her efforts, a community was created. The second woman arrived, desparately in need of a warm environment. GTOC's Rose Hall was becoming viable.
The second house was under renovation.....and an emergency occurred. The local support and aid supplier declined assistance and GTOC was brought to task. From this....a new avenue for those who would need has been established....The "FURNITURE FRIEND-ZE". From here, those in need without a doubt, will receive the required healthy food for their families FREE of CHARGE....beds, chairs, tables etc for their homes FREE of CHARGE....
I run it currently from my home that I am renovating for the next round of GTOC women. With the support of community we will expand on this.
I am proof, my children/ my family is proof, our community is proof....we can achieve what is required to support the efforts of those who wish to work hard to achieve permanent quality of life. We have decided via GTOC to be the "hand up" for those who are ready to achieve. We are the "hand up" while we await those who are not ready to achieve yet as well.
Glass Tower Offices Corporation, may be my brain child. However, it is my communities achievement. THEY have stepped forward. THEY have seen the need. I have only given direction. THEY have given HOPE where it was needed.
I am no longer redundant. I am needed.
Everyday, I meet with women who feel as I once did. "Redundant".
I tell the my story. They tell me there's.
Together we set a goal, that will make them feel needed, not only by their community...but by themselves. For that is where it begins...... V xo
"Hi, I am redundant....I have been searching for a meaningful position that will fill me with the gratification of accomplishment, I work hard 24/7/365/, my team adores me, my mission is to fulfill the quota entailed within the company that would employ my redundant butt.......Hi, I am redundant."
In 1993 I released my dream career to remain home with my first child, then again in 1995 with my second child, 1997 with my third & in 2001 with mr. baby gaby.
Since this decision, I unknowingly and seemingly signed the document detailing my redundancy.
In 2004, my redundancy became evident to me as the the father of all 4 of my children skipped country.
"Hi, I am redundant...I have worked within my chosen career, handed my dream job on a silver platter for my efforts, worked an abundance of meaningful positions, have the highest provincial real estate law grading, have raised 4 children and survived a physically, emotionally, & mentally abusive relationship, successfully achieving complete Love of Life, it's people, it's community....and I.........I am redundant."
Definition of Redundant: "being in excess; exceeding what is usual or natural: a redundant part."
As I explained to my children the why's of me taking a position far below my capabilities I would explain,...."Mommy has been out of work for a long time while I stayed home....there are many women who have lots and lots of education that will be Mommy's bosses."....then they would meet these "very intellectual women" and my children afterwards would say...."it sounds like Mommy is taking care of these very intellectual women,...."....and following tuck in time...I would hide in my room and cry.
I was ready to soar,....however the world around me was telling me to crawl.... why?
Sometimes, yes...we have to crawl a few times before we truly learn to soar. Each of us differs. Some soar at the offset. Some must learn to soar.....maybe we need to crash land on a few occasions before soaring encompasses our lives.
In 2005 I crash landed, with 4 children all under the age of 12. By the time 2006 arrived, I had struck a note in a new career and created an abundance of neighborhood abusers that would block my efforts to provide a living for my children. I was "kinda pretty" I worked too hard....I was a happy, loving mom,...so I must be a horrible person somewhere....the rumors were plentiful and spread from the small town moms to their small town children and were readily injected into my already injured children.
Together we faced an abundance of obstacles. To this day my only answer as to how we survived and thrived is our absolute love for each other.
In 2010, I announced my decision to create a company, not like any before me, that would aid women like me in achieving their goals. That would fill the loop holes and cracks our current system created. I created a viable business that would achieve what others of similar sorts could not.
Myself, my children, consciously decided.....we don't need a stock pile of food (we've been without for so very long, why would we need it now)....we don't need a new car ( we fly on a wing and a prayer)...we don't need designer or name brand clothing ( mom was a designer...we are too) ....we rarely go out to dinner/movies/shopping/....we have 9 acres across which we hike, together,...we dance in the fields, we borrow movies instead of having tv....we know....there is more to life than things....and we did it.
In 2012, we really did it! We,....the kids and I, created a home any woman would be proud to say she lived in. We turned our home into a place we would be proud to invite other women and their children into. We worked hard. We created flower gardens, stone walls to contain them, we cut acres of grass...created multitudes of patios for various moments in various women's lives.
Then we purchased another home. I took on a second night time job to cover the mortgages on both houses. With faith....we have pilgrimiged forward. It has taken time...and the first GTOC house for women opened it's doors in October, for the most wonderful and courageous woman and her sons. We were proud the day we met this intelligent woman who loved life in a venue identical to your own. What she required we could provide. In accepting her efforts, a community was created. The second woman arrived, desparately in need of a warm environment. GTOC's Rose Hall was becoming viable.
The second house was under renovation.....and an emergency occurred. The local support and aid supplier declined assistance and GTOC was brought to task. From this....a new avenue for those who would need has been established....The "FURNITURE FRIEND-ZE". From here, those in need without a doubt, will receive the required healthy food for their families FREE of CHARGE....beds, chairs, tables etc for their homes FREE of CHARGE....
I run it currently from my home that I am renovating for the next round of GTOC women. With the support of community we will expand on this.
I am proof, my children/ my family is proof, our community is proof....we can achieve what is required to support the efforts of those who wish to work hard to achieve permanent quality of life. We have decided via GTOC to be the "hand up" for those who are ready to achieve. We are the "hand up" while we await those who are not ready to achieve yet as well.
Glass Tower Offices Corporation, may be my brain child. However, it is my communities achievement. THEY have stepped forward. THEY have seen the need. I have only given direction. THEY have given HOPE where it was needed.
I am no longer redundant. I am needed.
Everyday, I meet with women who feel as I once did. "Redundant".
I tell the my story. They tell me there's.
Together we set a goal, that will make them feel needed, not only by their community...but by themselves. For that is where it begins...... V xo
Friday, November 2, 2012
Blog #27 Discovering Life Balance....
The life path I have chosen is not an easy one. I revel in this. Most likely I'd be bored if I had chosen an easy life path...if there is such a thing.
One expression I have always lived by is "do everything in moderation" For example: Too much singularly healthy living can't be all good. If we wash our hands every 2 seconds, how will our bodies learn to fight germs? Eventually some type of germ will slip through along the most sincere of avenues....and we only hope our bodies are tough enough to protect our overall well being.
Really, I have yet to observe a Mexican not drink Mexican water or check their vegetables to verify they were washed in bottled water, or ice cube for evidence of cleanliness. My ex however felt his being to be drunkingly superior and became the closest of messy buddies with Mr. Montazuma himself, and danced the unwaivering Montazuma waltz with this newest and dearest companion, while on our honeymoon.
The two don't identically correlate however, the image emerged and must be shared!!
This evening I received a "I give up on love of life" message from one of my dearest old friends. He once was the most romantic, gentlemen...with a twinkle in his eye, none in this world could ignore. Knowing he has tried for an abundance of years to maintain a romance in his marriage, I know it is the failure of these attempts with a woman who has allowed hatred and fear to over rule her every movement that has resigned his very being to failure in love of life. Every part of me wants to fight for them. Together or apart, love of life is worth fighting for.....even when all else seems lost.
LOVE OF LIFE = FAITH = SELF WORTH = RESPECT OF LIVE = HAPPINESS = LOVE OF LIFE
I cannot however, fight a fight for someone else. This is their fight. Upon receiving his text this evening, I began to sink into despair alongside him. I empathically do this whether it is a friend I have just met or a friend I have held close to my heart all my years. I do this upon my first introduction to every Aspiring Woman's shared story and I do this with my beautiful and most dearest friends, I hold so close to my heart....This is my life I have chosen,...it's not an easy one.
With a tear in my eye, I disjointedly separated myself from my phone from where the text came from. I wandered to the kitchen and attempted to reattach myself with my world of hope, my family, by preparing the planned meal for dinner. Again the invisible waves of despair rippled through my heart and I hid the tears behind the chopping of tasty purple onions.
Literally I felt my heart grasping, reaching for hope. Despair was throwing an unfavorable "off balance" to my usually happy, loving life. So I reached once again for my phone, wishing to witness letters, words of hope from the spark of a person I once knew. None. And the tears welled as my thumb routinely searched messages from texts, to emails...searching for someone I could fight for, that still had hope, that would re-energize my hope.....None.
As I lay down my now dull phone, face down as if to seal the fate of his chosen words...my phone vibrated.....through very thick tears that refused to dislodge I read a message of hope. A message of faith in me. Not from my old friend. But from an unknown. As I read this very brief message, my lips began to quiver, like my Mom's always did when her deepest of feelings were affected.
In essence this message relayed a group of people's faith in my efforts for GTOC's women. Beyond any communications, they have decifered my daily struggle to try to do enough. They have read between the lines I actually share and suffered my empathies along with me. In sending this one small email, this group renewed my life balance....I opened my arms and hugged my son...my son that can and has been easily trapped in the sufferings of others. I chose him because he also can feel, as I do, the joy of others and I share my hope, my love of life...the understanding of the balance of life with him so that one day when I am not here to even this balance, he will understand and feel the effects of now.....then.
In my son's eyes, I saw hope and love of life once again reflected.
Sometimes, it is thrown off balance and we cannot affect that balance alone. It takes some one else's belief and love in life shared with us to affect our balance.
My message was sent from half way around the world. Our world is delicately balanced on love of life.. Today you have the choice as to which way the balance will lean. Choose. Share. Believe. Love Life enough to affect the balance.
My own LOVE OF LIFE, HOPE AND FAITH now firmly balanced within my world....I place within the hands of my old friend a spark. I freely release one of my own and trust him to hold it. Care for it. For one day, in his deepest darkest moment he will open his fist, release this spark and follow it to his own personal HAPPINESS IN HIS LOVE OF LIFE. V xo
One expression I have always lived by is "do everything in moderation" For example: Too much singularly healthy living can't be all good. If we wash our hands every 2 seconds, how will our bodies learn to fight germs? Eventually some type of germ will slip through along the most sincere of avenues....and we only hope our bodies are tough enough to protect our overall well being.
Really, I have yet to observe a Mexican not drink Mexican water or check their vegetables to verify they were washed in bottled water, or ice cube for evidence of cleanliness. My ex however felt his being to be drunkingly superior and became the closest of messy buddies with Mr. Montazuma himself, and danced the unwaivering Montazuma waltz with this newest and dearest companion, while on our honeymoon.
The two don't identically correlate however, the image emerged and must be shared!!
This evening I received a "I give up on love of life" message from one of my dearest old friends. He once was the most romantic, gentlemen...with a twinkle in his eye, none in this world could ignore. Knowing he has tried for an abundance of years to maintain a romance in his marriage, I know it is the failure of these attempts with a woman who has allowed hatred and fear to over rule her every movement that has resigned his very being to failure in love of life. Every part of me wants to fight for them. Together or apart, love of life is worth fighting for.....even when all else seems lost.
LOVE OF LIFE = FAITH = SELF WORTH = RESPECT OF LIVE = HAPPINESS = LOVE OF LIFE
I cannot however, fight a fight for someone else. This is their fight. Upon receiving his text this evening, I began to sink into despair alongside him. I empathically do this whether it is a friend I have just met or a friend I have held close to my heart all my years. I do this upon my first introduction to every Aspiring Woman's shared story and I do this with my beautiful and most dearest friends, I hold so close to my heart....This is my life I have chosen,...it's not an easy one.
With a tear in my eye, I disjointedly separated myself from my phone from where the text came from. I wandered to the kitchen and attempted to reattach myself with my world of hope, my family, by preparing the planned meal for dinner. Again the invisible waves of despair rippled through my heart and I hid the tears behind the chopping of tasty purple onions.
Literally I felt my heart grasping, reaching for hope. Despair was throwing an unfavorable "off balance" to my usually happy, loving life. So I reached once again for my phone, wishing to witness letters, words of hope from the spark of a person I once knew. None. And the tears welled as my thumb routinely searched messages from texts, to emails...searching for someone I could fight for, that still had hope, that would re-energize my hope.....None.
As I lay down my now dull phone, face down as if to seal the fate of his chosen words...my phone vibrated.....through very thick tears that refused to dislodge I read a message of hope. A message of faith in me. Not from my old friend. But from an unknown. As I read this very brief message, my lips began to quiver, like my Mom's always did when her deepest of feelings were affected.
In essence this message relayed a group of people's faith in my efforts for GTOC's women. Beyond any communications, they have decifered my daily struggle to try to do enough. They have read between the lines I actually share and suffered my empathies along with me. In sending this one small email, this group renewed my life balance....I opened my arms and hugged my son...my son that can and has been easily trapped in the sufferings of others. I chose him because he also can feel, as I do, the joy of others and I share my hope, my love of life...the understanding of the balance of life with him so that one day when I am not here to even this balance, he will understand and feel the effects of now.....then.
In my son's eyes, I saw hope and love of life once again reflected.
LIFE HAS BALANCE.
Sometimes, it is thrown off balance and we cannot affect that balance alone. It takes some one else's belief and love in life shared with us to affect our balance.
My message was sent from half way around the world. Our world is delicately balanced on love of life.. Today you have the choice as to which way the balance will lean. Choose. Share. Believe. Love Life enough to affect the balance.
My own LOVE OF LIFE, HOPE AND FAITH now firmly balanced within my world....I place within the hands of my old friend a spark. I freely release one of my own and trust him to hold it. Care for it. For one day, in his deepest darkest moment he will open his fist, release this spark and follow it to his own personal HAPPINESS IN HIS LOVE OF LIFE. V xo
Sunday, October 21, 2012
GTOC Blog #26 Dating vs Friendship
I have interviewed and simply chatted with many women since the beginning concepts of GTOC. One of the "issues" that continue to reach the "ahhhhhh ya" stage, is the issue of men's reactions to them.
I will give you an example.....upon not complying with one of their wishes "to date them" I have been called...."damaged goods", "a lesbian", "a man hater" and just this week "bitter". I have only two thoughts:
1. do I only attract insecure men that need to dish out "anti compliments" when I clearly am not interested in them?
2. do I really want to date someone that can attempt to apply manipulation before they even attempt to discover who I am. Could you imagine what horrors they would attempt AFTER discovering my strengths and weaknesses.???
The women I interviewed all told me the same stories:
1. Because they were over 40 with kids, they were expected to be desperate for anybody. (ie: A "caring" person offered me to date her senior uncle because he had a new truck....I think this qualified as his dowery)
2. Because they had been in a woman's shelter, they were labelled "a head case". (ie: boyfriend screaming red faced in a public parking lot at me because I refused to engage at his level. Been there, done that & above that must thusly qualify as "a head case to find escape from antagonism".)
3. The offers from men to "rescue" them from their situation. Who actually tracks a woman knowing she is struggling just to survive, simply to offer your version of rescue before simply discovering if they even want to be rescued, or are even compatible? (ie: I am 47...at 38 I was approached by my "then boss" to be rescued via marriage and to help raise my kids. There was no mutual compatibility even on a friendship level and his wife might have had an issue with the entire proposal!!)
3. Men offering women employment hoping to get "attention" from them they could not hope to achieve at a dating level. (women trying to achieve in life are applying for a multitude of positions every day. YES they are going to give attention to a potential employer, just like any man would competing for the same position....how pitiful the man that needs to offer "needed employment" to a woman just to gain her attention)
4. Okay so let's address the "bitter" comment. :) My kids and I were all reading this "gentlemans" comments as they came across in messages and the encompassing laughter is worthy of explanation. So let me address in the remainder of this blog the story of why so very many insecure men "mis-label" we older, experienced in life women.
Bringing forward the past, I don't even hate my ex. How could I allow hatred to wither my heart? I have the most beautiful gifts any man could give his woman. Children. Where these children originate from is insignificant, their arrival and acceptance into family is in it's entirety the purest definition of LOVE. I have endured, rape, physical, mental and emotional abuse and yet I don't hate. I have a heart entirely filled with the love of the most enduringly beautiful creatures my imagination could fathom. My children.
I recognize my greatest weakness and struggle is "how to be my nice personality I respect and still maintain a life I can be proud of without being taken advantage of. If you remember the rampant feminist movement of burning bras and disrespecting men as a whole then you remember that bitch of a boss that either slept her way to the top or bitched her way to the top. I would never have respected myself as either. The solution took me a few years of learning my strengths to acknowledge. I am nice.....and I maintain my honesty. For this I can be proud! and as this, I will succeed.
Let's return to the "bitter" label, and let's include all the other labels I have endured and have come to discover that every insecure man attempting to manipulate a woman has attempted to impose upon a woman. This specific individual (for we shall not call him a descriptive word like "gentleman") was told at the offset. "I don't date. I have tried it and I choose not to date. I do however make an amazing friend. I love beer, I love baseball, foot ball...being one of the boys." I was honest.
Once receiving this information, he graciously "accepted" with an "okay so friends"....then as the friendship continued ...offered a position of employment. Of course it was a lovely proposal, otherwise why offer it? Was it accepted under desparation ? No. Out of joy of life!! Yes...Absolutely. Once this individual accepted the "friendship status" I of course believed him, having been quite honest with him, I gave him the respect of integrity.
Within a short time frame the communications became stressed once again with inuendos of dating. Again I assured him, "friendship only"...."integrity only"...."respect only".....and the offer of employment stagnated. It was at this point that I withdrew my acceptance to employment recognizing the "alterior motives" of the individual. ... and as such was called "bitter".
With my children at my side, I considered the concept. "was I bitter?" Laughter ensued and it became a joke. Have you ever experienced my love of children and how it occupies my every second of being?, Have you watched as I skip through the leaves and throw them into the air so that their flight influences my very own?, Have you Listened as I described my inspirations within GTOC, within my Children's stories? Shall I speak for you here? No!! Should you have taken the time to work your way to friendship, a real friendship, not a friendship with an agenda, you would have experienced, watched and listened to these integral parts of my being and enjoyed them with me. For I have desired to be transparent throughout all. No hidden agendas. Simply transparent in my love of all life.
As an experienced in life, 40 something woman....I thank my very god for my every second of being with my children, my passion for aiding women and my creativity inspired by children. Those who are true, understand my love of life and how I wish to share it with all that I encounter. How I tried to share it with that specific person and was rejected by insecurities in his own life.
So I don't post negative blogs. I believe in the need for positive reinforcement for all people and their issues. I detail these issues because women need to know, they are not less of a person for recognizing and personifying honesty in their lives. In actual fact women, you are a part of the strength of the positive advancement of mankind. I also recognize our intelligence, our integrity and our knowledge of what we want out of life. If a specified person does not fit that picture, even though given to them without judgement our friendship, our honesty, our integrity and respect of person and should you feel the need to label us based upon your insecurities, please feel free to exit left of stage and continue to walk away. You do not deserve the gentleman's integrity we have bestowed upon you.
Both Women and Men are creatures of the greatest of beauty. What you do with your beauty is your gift upon others. I was told this week that I am beautiful and it is my curse. Well I allow that individual this, I am beautiful....as are you. What have you done with your gift to benefit others? I smiled today, I invited others to join in my meal that had not to eat, I gave of my miniscual financial well being to assist another beautiful being, I allowed you this time upon my own to convey a message of hope to your insecure being. You are beautiful. Act it, be it, share it. For it is only a curse if you hold it unto your own and do not benefit others in your very being.
Now to the gentleman in our lives. Continue to be who you respectfully are. You give us hope. You make us feel intelligent and alive. We are your greatest friends for we have known and lived the alternative. Yes we have "life experience" and by being our friends and allowing us to be perhaps "that girl" we can share a six pack with while we enjoy a football game....we together have created a friendship to be envied by all others. A friendship that outlasts the hands of time. Something absolutely beautiful.... V xo
I will give you an example.....upon not complying with one of their wishes "to date them" I have been called...."damaged goods", "a lesbian", "a man hater" and just this week "bitter". I have only two thoughts:
1. do I only attract insecure men that need to dish out "anti compliments" when I clearly am not interested in them?
2. do I really want to date someone that can attempt to apply manipulation before they even attempt to discover who I am. Could you imagine what horrors they would attempt AFTER discovering my strengths and weaknesses.???
The women I interviewed all told me the same stories:
1. Because they were over 40 with kids, they were expected to be desperate for anybody. (ie: A "caring" person offered me to date her senior uncle because he had a new truck....I think this qualified as his dowery)
2. Because they had been in a woman's shelter, they were labelled "a head case". (ie: boyfriend screaming red faced in a public parking lot at me because I refused to engage at his level. Been there, done that & above that must thusly qualify as "a head case to find escape from antagonism".)
3. The offers from men to "rescue" them from their situation. Who actually tracks a woman knowing she is struggling just to survive, simply to offer your version of rescue before simply discovering if they even want to be rescued, or are even compatible? (ie: I am 47...at 38 I was approached by my "then boss" to be rescued via marriage and to help raise my kids. There was no mutual compatibility even on a friendship level and his wife might have had an issue with the entire proposal!!)
3. Men offering women employment hoping to get "attention" from them they could not hope to achieve at a dating level. (women trying to achieve in life are applying for a multitude of positions every day. YES they are going to give attention to a potential employer, just like any man would competing for the same position....how pitiful the man that needs to offer "needed employment" to a woman just to gain her attention)
4. Okay so let's address the "bitter" comment. :) My kids and I were all reading this "gentlemans" comments as they came across in messages and the encompassing laughter is worthy of explanation. So let me address in the remainder of this blog the story of why so very many insecure men "mis-label" we older, experienced in life women.
Bringing forward the past, I don't even hate my ex. How could I allow hatred to wither my heart? I have the most beautiful gifts any man could give his woman. Children. Where these children originate from is insignificant, their arrival and acceptance into family is in it's entirety the purest definition of LOVE. I have endured, rape, physical, mental and emotional abuse and yet I don't hate. I have a heart entirely filled with the love of the most enduringly beautiful creatures my imagination could fathom. My children.
I recognize my greatest weakness and struggle is "how to be my nice personality I respect and still maintain a life I can be proud of without being taken advantage of. If you remember the rampant feminist movement of burning bras and disrespecting men as a whole then you remember that bitch of a boss that either slept her way to the top or bitched her way to the top. I would never have respected myself as either. The solution took me a few years of learning my strengths to acknowledge. I am nice.....and I maintain my honesty. For this I can be proud! and as this, I will succeed.
Let's return to the "bitter" label, and let's include all the other labels I have endured and have come to discover that every insecure man attempting to manipulate a woman has attempted to impose upon a woman. This specific individual (for we shall not call him a descriptive word like "gentleman") was told at the offset. "I don't date. I have tried it and I choose not to date. I do however make an amazing friend. I love beer, I love baseball, foot ball...being one of the boys." I was honest.
Once receiving this information, he graciously "accepted" with an "okay so friends"....then as the friendship continued ...offered a position of employment. Of course it was a lovely proposal, otherwise why offer it? Was it accepted under desparation ? No. Out of joy of life!! Yes...Absolutely. Once this individual accepted the "friendship status" I of course believed him, having been quite honest with him, I gave him the respect of integrity.
Within a short time frame the communications became stressed once again with inuendos of dating. Again I assured him, "friendship only"...."integrity only"...."respect only".....and the offer of employment stagnated. It was at this point that I withdrew my acceptance to employment recognizing the "alterior motives" of the individual. ... and as such was called "bitter".
With my children at my side, I considered the concept. "was I bitter?" Laughter ensued and it became a joke. Have you ever experienced my love of children and how it occupies my every second of being?, Have you watched as I skip through the leaves and throw them into the air so that their flight influences my very own?, Have you Listened as I described my inspirations within GTOC, within my Children's stories? Shall I speak for you here? No!! Should you have taken the time to work your way to friendship, a real friendship, not a friendship with an agenda, you would have experienced, watched and listened to these integral parts of my being and enjoyed them with me. For I have desired to be transparent throughout all. No hidden agendas. Simply transparent in my love of all life.
As an experienced in life, 40 something woman....I thank my very god for my every second of being with my children, my passion for aiding women and my creativity inspired by children. Those who are true, understand my love of life and how I wish to share it with all that I encounter. How I tried to share it with that specific person and was rejected by insecurities in his own life.
So I don't post negative blogs. I believe in the need for positive reinforcement for all people and their issues. I detail these issues because women need to know, they are not less of a person for recognizing and personifying honesty in their lives. In actual fact women, you are a part of the strength of the positive advancement of mankind. I also recognize our intelligence, our integrity and our knowledge of what we want out of life. If a specified person does not fit that picture, even though given to them without judgement our friendship, our honesty, our integrity and respect of person and should you feel the need to label us based upon your insecurities, please feel free to exit left of stage and continue to walk away. You do not deserve the gentleman's integrity we have bestowed upon you.
Both Women and Men are creatures of the greatest of beauty. What you do with your beauty is your gift upon others. I was told this week that I am beautiful and it is my curse. Well I allow that individual this, I am beautiful....as are you. What have you done with your gift to benefit others? I smiled today, I invited others to join in my meal that had not to eat, I gave of my miniscual financial well being to assist another beautiful being, I allowed you this time upon my own to convey a message of hope to your insecure being. You are beautiful. Act it, be it, share it. For it is only a curse if you hold it unto your own and do not benefit others in your very being.
Now to the gentleman in our lives. Continue to be who you respectfully are. You give us hope. You make us feel intelligent and alive. We are your greatest friends for we have known and lived the alternative. Yes we have "life experience" and by being our friends and allowing us to be perhaps "that girl" we can share a six pack with while we enjoy a football game....we together have created a friendship to be envied by all others. A friendship that outlasts the hands of time. Something absolutely beautiful.... V xo
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
GTOC Blog #25 What is Love?
I have to admit, I have suffered through this one since my husband left. Did I love him? No. I have always known this, all the years we were together. Did I care for him? Yes, but mostly I cared for his children. They were my reason to stay. They were so lovely. They were the reason he asked me to stay with him when I told him it was over when I was still 19 years old. Through it all, I committed to them.
I know it is confusing. These were the children from his previous marriage. At 19, even I saw the look in their eyes when they got to be with their Dad. I am shamed by the lies he told me about their mom. Now I know, I should be proud to have ever met her. What an amazing woman! She not only survived him, she thrived in her own way, and did her absolute best with all her love for her children and her grand children. To this day I feel shamed that I signed her child support cheques from him, even though I did it because he was of the opinion that she should be paying him, not the reverse, the unfeeling it gave her was not my intent.
Is it love to maintain a relationship for the children, even those that are not your own?
Then,....then there was our children. From the first second of conception, I knew.....they were my life. Not once did I ever say "our children".....was I selfish? "They" were always "My children". Did I love him for giving me these children...No...God gave me these children...any man could have done what he had done. Would I say differently if he had been a "good" man. Maybe but No he wasnt....For my shame I tried,....from the time he met me, I tried.....and I would have continued trying had he not hurt My Children.
For all my years with him, I wondered..."is this all what love is? "
Then when I met each of my children I found out ... "This is What Love Is !"
There is no need to "explain" the children years. I can simply say, I found the true meaning of love that I had been missing since I left my family home,...and we (myself and the children) we thrived. Daily we lived in the bubble of love, imagination and hard work of being a real family. Perhaps this is why he segregated himself. I am unsure. Yet this I know, in the final years, even with all my children,....I asked myself (aside from all the really bad stuff)..."so this is love?"
You know, I tried several times after "he" left, to have a "love" relationship. I can name a million reasons why it didn't work. To my credit though, I tried and I believe they did too. With every fiber of my being,....I so tried!
I have learned something from all of this though. Isn't life all about "learning"??
I learned Love will make itself known. You cannot force it. And sometimes you have to recognize that you might feel it when the other does not to the same level you do....and that is okay!! The fact that you can still love is beautiful and should be celebrated.
I have had the good fortune to have one peek, one moment, one instance in my life "at real love". It was that exact moment when the breath of the other person engaged in your own. Even though, I cannot claim it for mine because in this life, it won't be....the knowledge, the feeling, the realization of "this is love" is enough.
After desperately wondering for years, if it even exists....Yes....I now know it does. Maybe not for me here and now....and that is okay. Because I have My Children, My friends, and My GTOC....and My Children's stories....and we are LOVE. We are LOVE enough when so many, like my previous self,....had none.
I am sure through my life, I will attempt several more "loves". I now know the feeling to look for, the feeling to be.
Yet I ask myself, why do I write all this? Maybe because, this is a struggle with most Aspiring Women. How do we trust and love again when we have been betrayed? My response is, because we can. Yes there will be failures and that is okay!
Simply know, you deserve to be treated like a woman,...and it is "that man" that will love you as it was meant to be. Until then, revel in your love of your children, your family, your friends, your work and yes in you. Because they see in you the engaging breath of life at the exact moment when it engages with their own.....
V xo
I know it is confusing. These were the children from his previous marriage. At 19, even I saw the look in their eyes when they got to be with their Dad. I am shamed by the lies he told me about their mom. Now I know, I should be proud to have ever met her. What an amazing woman! She not only survived him, she thrived in her own way, and did her absolute best with all her love for her children and her grand children. To this day I feel shamed that I signed her child support cheques from him, even though I did it because he was of the opinion that she should be paying him, not the reverse, the unfeeling it gave her was not my intent.
Is it love to maintain a relationship for the children, even those that are not your own?
Then,....then there was our children. From the first second of conception, I knew.....they were my life. Not once did I ever say "our children".....was I selfish? "They" were always "My children". Did I love him for giving me these children...No...God gave me these children...any man could have done what he had done. Would I say differently if he had been a "good" man. Maybe but No he wasnt....For my shame I tried,....from the time he met me, I tried.....and I would have continued trying had he not hurt My Children.
For all my years with him, I wondered..."is this all what love is? "
Then when I met each of my children I found out ... "This is What Love Is !"
There is no need to "explain" the children years. I can simply say, I found the true meaning of love that I had been missing since I left my family home,...and we (myself and the children) we thrived. Daily we lived in the bubble of love, imagination and hard work of being a real family. Perhaps this is why he segregated himself. I am unsure. Yet this I know, in the final years, even with all my children,....I asked myself (aside from all the really bad stuff)..."so this is love?"
You know, I tried several times after "he" left, to have a "love" relationship. I can name a million reasons why it didn't work. To my credit though, I tried and I believe they did too. With every fiber of my being,....I so tried!
I have learned something from all of this though. Isn't life all about "learning"??
I learned Love will make itself known. You cannot force it. And sometimes you have to recognize that you might feel it when the other does not to the same level you do....and that is okay!! The fact that you can still love is beautiful and should be celebrated.
I have had the good fortune to have one peek, one moment, one instance in my life "at real love". It was that exact moment when the breath of the other person engaged in your own. Even though, I cannot claim it for mine because in this life, it won't be....the knowledge, the feeling, the realization of "this is love" is enough.
After desperately wondering for years, if it even exists....Yes....I now know it does. Maybe not for me here and now....and that is okay. Because I have My Children, My friends, and My GTOC....and My Children's stories....and we are LOVE. We are LOVE enough when so many, like my previous self,....had none.
I am sure through my life, I will attempt several more "loves". I now know the feeling to look for, the feeling to be.
Yet I ask myself, why do I write all this? Maybe because, this is a struggle with most Aspiring Women. How do we trust and love again when we have been betrayed? My response is, because we can. Yes there will be failures and that is okay!
Simply know, you deserve to be treated like a woman,...and it is "that man" that will love you as it was meant to be. Until then, revel in your love of your children, your family, your friends, your work and yes in you. Because they see in you the engaging breath of life at the exact moment when it engages with their own.....
V xo
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
GTOC Blog #24 - Until You are Ready to Treat Me Like a Woman, You Are Not Good Enough For Me.... V xo
This sentence surfaced in my conscious today and I smiled before I had any sort of realization of it's pertinence in my life.
Day one......Eight, almost Nine years ago now as I drove in my car shaking from the realization that I was now for the first time in my entire life on my own and with four children, no income, no potential career and no safe place for my children to live, I wish I had subconsciously imbedded this sentence in my brain. For I had my judgmental opinion of divorced Mom's at that time, just like most others who had no personal life experience to base an opinion on.
I stopped counting the days since, probably around Day Two. However the sensitive subject this sentence refers to has to this date not resolved. So as of today, let me set this straight for myself and for all women:
1. Just because We are over 40, single with kids....we are not desperate for a date.
2. We don't need a man to make ourselves or our families feel complete.
3. We don't hate any men.
4. We are not a lesbians because we won't date and because we prefer to share each other's positive mentality.
5. If We tell you we don't date, it is..... now I know this is difficult for some......because We don't date.
6. We are full blown, romantically inclined business women AND moms with little time left for ourselves never mind another person in our lives.
7. We are beautiful AND We are intelligent.
8. If We tell you we don't date and we still go to dinner with you, it is because we are treating you like a quality friend worth our time. Make note that We volunteered to pay next time like friends do.
9. If you are pretending to "give us a job" or "interest in our events" or "interest in our children" just to get a date...please with all your intelligence you can put together in your brains ... refer to line 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, oh and perhaps in humility....repeat "9"
Best of all is "10" . It may take us awhile to rebuild ourselves after a bad marriage/relationship, however we are outstandingly remarkable. We have endured, survived and accomplished ! ...yet still we smile, still we love life & damn it all still we are being nice to you after our faith in all humanity has been severely tested!!! We are not damaged, we are the survivors...with kids!!! and we have struggled ... YES! It's not easy juggling $300 a month to pay, babysitters, mortgage/rent, hydro, heat, phone (because you must be texted on your schedule) and food....plus all the extras like car, gas, clothing,...etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc,....
So I read the beginning of this blog to my daughter. I asked her "is it a little bit light hearted or too critical"....her response was " it is light hearted to those who GET what you are talking about"...."it is critical to those who keep bugging you and just don't get it!
I have no issue with claiming ownership to all the bad decisions about staying with my ex before children. And definitely to staying with him after they began to arrive. I take total ownership for my bad decisions. They are mine and I know why I did what I did. I also claim ownership for allowing manipulation and abuse to continue in my life. My bad decision, even though I know why. I also claim total ownership for the decision to improve our quality of life, and I take total ownership for giving my ex too many chances to also enjoy our improved quality of life.
I also take total ownership for repeating my errors in judgement and choosing toxic relationships with men similar to my ex.
What I do understand is that I am a strong woman. And I am a nice woman. And I am beautiful. And I am intelligent....am I vain?....no....I can say the same for every woman I have met with similar circumstances in the past 8 almost 9 years. In fact, I feel humbled by those women. Their strength, character, beauty & intelligence inspires me to achieve and become more.
So like so many other women, I also take total ownership when I say "I am that girl who loves to sit back and drink a beer while we watch the playoffs and scream for our teams....I am also that girl who will secretly high five you when you put together the nerve to ask that beautiful woman out on a date...and .I probably didn't tell you that I met her in the washroom and told her what a wonderful person you were!! I am also that girl who works day and night to make ends meet and cuddles with her kids most nights to make sure they are okay in this world then lies awake worrying all night figuring out how to make it okay for them again tomorrow.
So let's me clear on one very thing in particular;
I have not given up on Romance, when I see "the one" I'll definitely let them know. Live is Short, why dilly dally when we have the God Given talent to communicate? It is then I will decide, if they treat me like a good woman, then they are good enough for me.
Unless I have told you differently please note, if you don't "get this" you might never. If you do, "Hey!!! I hear there is a game on Saturday, I'll spring for the beer if you'll spring for the tickets" V xo
Day one......Eight, almost Nine years ago now as I drove in my car shaking from the realization that I was now for the first time in my entire life on my own and with four children, no income, no potential career and no safe place for my children to live, I wish I had subconsciously imbedded this sentence in my brain. For I had my judgmental opinion of divorced Mom's at that time, just like most others who had no personal life experience to base an opinion on.
I stopped counting the days since, probably around Day Two. However the sensitive subject this sentence refers to has to this date not resolved. So as of today, let me set this straight for myself and for all women:
1. Just because We are over 40, single with kids....we are not desperate for a date.
2. We don't need a man to make ourselves or our families feel complete.
3. We don't hate any men.
4. We are not a lesbians because we won't date and because we prefer to share each other's positive mentality.
5. If We tell you we don't date, it is..... now I know this is difficult for some......because We don't date.
6. We are full blown, romantically inclined business women AND moms with little time left for ourselves never mind another person in our lives.
7. We are beautiful AND We are intelligent.
8. If We tell you we don't date and we still go to dinner with you, it is because we are treating you like a quality friend worth our time. Make note that We volunteered to pay next time like friends do.
9. If you are pretending to "give us a job" or "interest in our events" or "interest in our children" just to get a date...please with all your intelligence you can put together in your brains ... refer to line 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, oh and perhaps in humility....repeat "9"
Best of all is "10" . It may take us awhile to rebuild ourselves after a bad marriage/relationship, however we are outstandingly remarkable. We have endured, survived and accomplished ! ...yet still we smile, still we love life & damn it all still we are being nice to you after our faith in all humanity has been severely tested!!! We are not damaged, we are the survivors...with kids!!! and we have struggled ... YES! It's not easy juggling $300 a month to pay, babysitters, mortgage/rent, hydro, heat, phone (because you must be texted on your schedule) and food....plus all the extras like car, gas, clothing,...etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc,....
So I read the beginning of this blog to my daughter. I asked her "is it a little bit light hearted or too critical"....her response was " it is light hearted to those who GET what you are talking about"...."it is critical to those who keep bugging you and just don't get it!
I have no issue with claiming ownership to all the bad decisions about staying with my ex before children. And definitely to staying with him after they began to arrive. I take total ownership for my bad decisions. They are mine and I know why I did what I did. I also claim ownership for allowing manipulation and abuse to continue in my life. My bad decision, even though I know why. I also claim total ownership for the decision to improve our quality of life, and I take total ownership for giving my ex too many chances to also enjoy our improved quality of life.
I also take total ownership for repeating my errors in judgement and choosing toxic relationships with men similar to my ex.
What I do understand is that I am a strong woman. And I am a nice woman. And I am beautiful. And I am intelligent....am I vain?....no....I can say the same for every woman I have met with similar circumstances in the past 8 almost 9 years. In fact, I feel humbled by those women. Their strength, character, beauty & intelligence inspires me to achieve and become more.
So like so many other women, I also take total ownership when I say "I am that girl who loves to sit back and drink a beer while we watch the playoffs and scream for our teams....I am also that girl who will secretly high five you when you put together the nerve to ask that beautiful woman out on a date...and .I probably didn't tell you that I met her in the washroom and told her what a wonderful person you were!! I am also that girl who works day and night to make ends meet and cuddles with her kids most nights to make sure they are okay in this world then lies awake worrying all night figuring out how to make it okay for them again tomorrow.
So let's me clear on one very thing in particular;
I have not given up on Romance, when I see "the one" I'll definitely let them know. Live is Short, why dilly dally when we have the God Given talent to communicate? It is then I will decide, if they treat me like a good woman, then they are good enough for me.
Unless I have told you differently please note, if you don't "get this" you might never. If you do, "Hey!!! I hear there is a game on Saturday, I'll spring for the beer if you'll spring for the tickets" V xo
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
GTOC Blog #23....Healing within GTOC
As so many have said, "I have a charmed life"... really??? I mean ....really????
I am unclear how it seems that way!
I too have moments when I remember "what was"....when the pain of "what was" overwhelms me. These moments usually follow a meeting with a woman who has recanted her "what was or sometimes what is" experience. It is a necessary communication to share in the forward projection. Like two team mates inciting the survival chant.....the expression of past and the desire to inject a positive future. Yet it triggers a pain inside of me, a pain of a life I have chosen to forget....a pain that another woman hurt so similarly deep...a pain that hundreds of thousands of women hurt so much more ...and no one knows they are hurting or no one listens to their cries for help..
At least I can now express my pain. I can cry and know it's okay to cry. After 18 years of not crying....this is a big deal. Yet I do it often now. Actually I cry after every meeting with an Aspiring Woman. Then for about 2 weeks, I heal. The tears however, have changed.
I am not grieving at the loss of hope. I am crying tears of gratitude that the hope within me has been rekindled for I remember well the day I made THE decision,....somehow Shakespeare dramatizes it for me "to be or not to be". I obviously chose "TO BE".
When each of us chooses "to be", we do not make this decision lightly, or selfishly. We choose for those we love, we choose for those who love us and then finally, we choose to survive.
Every meeting with an Aspiring woman ends on a positive note. There is a HUGE life to be lived and we have chosen to live it. It is important for every Aspiring Woman to know that there are women all around them who have endured, made similar life decisions, and that the community surrounding them is in support of their efforts.
How simple is it for an Aspiring Woman, following years, sometimes decades of indignities to live and breathe "positive notes"? It isn't. Perhaps because I have been there, I understand this. However, what I also understand is the state of mind that comes with the decision to live life on a POSITIVE NOTE.
Sometimes we need a positive influence around us, to understand our own force of positivity and how we can affect the world with it.
Sometimes we have to understand that part of our healing is simply learning that it is okay to hurt and to feel the past. It is when we accept ownership of our past and re-create our future that we begin to feel alive and to progress on a positive note.
So each morning as I awake;
I thank God for my children...who love me and all my faults beyond measure....and I wish and pray that I can be a better Mother to them. I look to those I love and ask how I can make them smile.
I look to my day and ask, how can I help someone make their day better? ...and I pick one person to positively affect.
And I thank God for my Mom everyday, for believing in me.
I am so thankful to now have these opportunities in life that perhaps, YES. Perhaps I do live a charmed life.
Upon rising, I kiss my baby Gaby, June Bug & Rye Cooder and hug each monster as they awake. While the coffee brews I search my emails, for those asking to communicate aid and then I surf our world in search of the beauty and wonderousness of our world that I can retrieve and share with others, to inspire them to feel and share it's beauty.
Then my heart fills.....and yes.....
I live a "charmed" life of hurt, of failures, of successes, and of greatest loves and of achievements.....without which I would still be the shell of a woman awaiting to accept her indignities as her past. V xo
I am unclear how it seems that way!
I too have moments when I remember "what was"....when the pain of "what was" overwhelms me. These moments usually follow a meeting with a woman who has recanted her "what was or sometimes what is" experience. It is a necessary communication to share in the forward projection. Like two team mates inciting the survival chant.....the expression of past and the desire to inject a positive future. Yet it triggers a pain inside of me, a pain of a life I have chosen to forget....a pain that another woman hurt so similarly deep...a pain that hundreds of thousands of women hurt so much more ...and no one knows they are hurting or no one listens to their cries for help..
At least I can now express my pain. I can cry and know it's okay to cry. After 18 years of not crying....this is a big deal. Yet I do it often now. Actually I cry after every meeting with an Aspiring Woman. Then for about 2 weeks, I heal. The tears however, have changed.
I am not grieving at the loss of hope. I am crying tears of gratitude that the hope within me has been rekindled for I remember well the day I made THE decision,....somehow Shakespeare dramatizes it for me "to be or not to be". I obviously chose "TO BE".
When each of us chooses "to be", we do not make this decision lightly, or selfishly. We choose for those we love, we choose for those who love us and then finally, we choose to survive.
Every meeting with an Aspiring woman ends on a positive note. There is a HUGE life to be lived and we have chosen to live it. It is important for every Aspiring Woman to know that there are women all around them who have endured, made similar life decisions, and that the community surrounding them is in support of their efforts.
How simple is it for an Aspiring Woman, following years, sometimes decades of indignities to live and breathe "positive notes"? It isn't. Perhaps because I have been there, I understand this. However, what I also understand is the state of mind that comes with the decision to live life on a POSITIVE NOTE.
Sometimes we need a positive influence around us, to understand our own force of positivity and how we can affect the world with it.
Sometimes we have to understand that part of our healing is simply learning that it is okay to hurt and to feel the past. It is when we accept ownership of our past and re-create our future that we begin to feel alive and to progress on a positive note.
So each morning as I awake;
I thank God for my children...who love me and all my faults beyond measure....and I wish and pray that I can be a better Mother to them. I look to those I love and ask how I can make them smile.
I look to my day and ask, how can I help someone make their day better? ...and I pick one person to positively affect.
And I thank God for my Mom everyday, for believing in me.
I am so thankful to now have these opportunities in life that perhaps, YES. Perhaps I do live a charmed life.
Upon rising, I kiss my baby Gaby, June Bug & Rye Cooder and hug each monster as they awake. While the coffee brews I search my emails, for those asking to communicate aid and then I surf our world in search of the beauty and wonderousness of our world that I can retrieve and share with others, to inspire them to feel and share it's beauty.
Then my heart fills.....and yes.....
I live a "charmed" life of hurt, of failures, of successes, and of greatest loves and of achievements.....without which I would still be the shell of a woman awaiting to accept her indignities as her past. V xo
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