GTOC Blog #51 Living the Life Shock...xoxo Momma

Where to start?

Have you ever been at such a loss for words that a single coherent thought will not entertain your brain?

Focus.

2001 was a big year for us.  Gabriel was born and Sissy finally got her long awaited surgery that I had to fight for.  Seemingly they were months apart but it had been a long, stress filled journey for Sissy and me and the rest of the monsters.  It wasn't until today that the memory of it all came crashing back down upon us.

There's a place you enter in your heart and mind when a loved one, especially a child becomes deathly ill.  Simplified, I have labelled it my place of Live Shock.  The first 4 years of Sissy's life were varying stages of Life Shock.  The week of her surgery was an extreme level of Life Shock I thought I never again would have to endure.  Until today.

The doctor's always warned us that there would be long term effects, but I had become so good at pushing this terrifying thought from my mind, that denying its presence became my reality.  Until today.  Today Life Shock became real again with one text message.  "Mom, I don't feel good again and I have another migraine."

Like an angel was speaking into my ear, this after previous similar messages did not, flooded through four years of restrained Life Shock into my current reality.  It was time.  It is an interesting place to be as a mother.  She wonders why I keep kissing her on the cheek, on the forehead.  It's because I can't hold her for hours like when she was a tiny baby. It's because I have no words to express our next journey together.

We are in a different place now, we Monster Lockyers.  A less obstructive place.  A positive place.  Through various blogs I have expressed how open I am with my children.  This time is no different.  They have essentially raised themselves.  They have earned a level of respect many adults I encounter will never earn.  This phase of the journey is the adult journey.  The pro-active journey.  The knowledge journey.

You know what, it is going to be difficult.  But we believe in living life out loud.  This is who we are.  This isn't death, it is another journey in life.  No mother ever wants to live in Life Shock with her baby.  Like many of the mothers and fathers around me, it is our reality and we learn to smile through the tears.  Because while our children become adults, they are forever our babies.  The burden of the Life Shock stress is not theirs.  It is ours.  Our wish for them is to live and breath hope.  Our hope for them is to enjoy the life they have been given.  Our love of them is the appreciation of their very being in our hearts, minds and arms. 

So yes.  I am going to hug my girl Sissy maybe too many times and she will let me, because there are tough times and tough decisions ahead, but they are livable.  It will simply be a pro-active journey we will venture into together with the spirit of a Monster Lockyer.  V xo

GTOC Blog #47 From the Heart of a Single Mom

The "gushy" stuff.  I usually avoid it in favor of the "empowerment" stuff.  My coaching method is to assist men, women & children to focus their minds on self empowerment.  The problem is, I get to witness so many single Mom's (parents) attempting the struggles so bravely and enduring the pains so completely.  I know what it is like.  I am living it still with my Monsters. 

The truth is that the majority of my "speaking engagements" I give are most effective from the Heart of a Single Mom.  This is no simple task.  Take a woman like me.  I don't look the "role", at least not the role of the so many labels put upon single Mom's.  I live the "self empowerment" role, but the heartstrings of this single Mom sing a note so high, because they are pulled so tight, that there are days when "breakable" is the only word I can use to describe my heart.  When you live the "self empowered" role, it is a huge, heartbreaking endeavor to separate yourself from it's strengths and to allow the heart wrenching pain in your heart to be actualized into words.  Yet I do it, not because I want people to know about me, but because I want people in the position to help, to know that there are a lot of women just like me.  That the labels and stigma attached to us by society are not earned by us, but placed upon us through ignorance.   I enjoy the look of revelation on their faces as I tell my story.  However, I think my heart breaks a little more each time I relive the struggles of me and my Monsters.

I have heard many comments of late, regarding women abusing the system.  That the system is broken because there are too many women just having kids to stay on the system.  Some of it is true.  Most of it isn't.  In fact, I am not going to comment on all the issues that could be discussed on this.  What I will talk on is my experience, like so many other women and by opening it up, displaying it's struggles, obstacles and achievements providing a life like so many others that should be labeled as achievers!  full of life!  hopeful in the face of adversity! hard working!  losing hope!  These are true labels.  Helpful labels.

Today I had to say "no" to my son.  This isn't a new thing and it isn't like I think other Mother's get to say "yes" all the time.  What I am tired of is in saying no to what other children take for granted.  If I had all the money in the world, I wouldn't say "yes" to everything and truthfully it is less about me than it is about him.  So let's paint "his" picture.

He's a good boy, everyone says so who meets him.  He is polite, well mannered, well spoken and very considerate of others.
He has specific chores.  Dishes, Kitty Litter and mr. Pooper Scooper. Makes his own breakfast & lunch.  Does his own laundry most weeks and like his siblings, tackle hugs me when I am too stressed.
It definitely helps that he is a cutie as well.

In order to return to school, I was obligated to terminate my current employment and to apply for OSAP.  I asked my children first.  It was put before them, either I continue with this rollercoaster of commissioned income or I return to school and receive a proper education that will increase either my employable potential or educate me in the progressive structure/functioning of GTOC.  Without a second breath they all voted in favor of schooling.  They knew the restrictions involved.  It didn't matter.  They love like that.

Today I discovered, my OSAP will be over a week later than everyone else's.  More stress.  Not like we haven't "portioned" grocery money before while the bills pile up.  And  of course I said "no" to my son and explained to all my monsters that left overs were not compostable, they are edible with a little creativity.  In fact they would have no choice in this matter, I only purchase what we need for each day.  We shop at the local "dive" of grocery stores.  We are re-negotiating phone bills, insurance bills, mortgages and utilities for both Rose Hall and LTH. 

You know, it really isn't the fact that I have to say "no".  It's the fact that my son is too accustomed too me saying "no", to the point where sometimes he doesn't even ask to go on a class trip when the rest of  his class simply expects to go. 
It's the fact that my children know that if their father supported his end properly we wouldn't have the obstacles that we consistently face.
If you are not a good parent, it is still your obligation to support your children.
If you are both good parents, show it.  Your needs are secondary to the needs of your children and they need both good parents.
It's the fact that their mother works the hours of two full time jobs just to make ends meet and play/cuddle time comes around while Mom falls asleep in exhaustion.
It's the fact that my children give from themselves before I would ever ask them too.
And, it is the fact that sometimes, like all Mom's....I just want to say "yes" .

Life is hard.  Nothing wrong with that.  The largest percentage of women are forced to live in poverty due to divorce and the husband/father not supporting properly.  I have made my choices and I live them now.  Children don't get to make the choices but are made to live with the choices adults make.  Something I shared with a good friend, " it takes both parents to be positively responsible for the well being of their children".  What ever the parent's circumstances the children must come first. I have seen parents positively  do this and to act as adults not only in support of their children but in support of each other. I am so encouraged to witness this in my friends.

However, in the past few weeks I have witnessed many single parents attempting the struggles so bravely and enduring the pains so completely.  I know what it is like.  I am living it still with my Monsters.  I may have had to say "no" today but together as a team, we sacrifice now in support of a better tomorrow.

Hearing all of this.  Know I put this forward freely in response to some of the judgemental, undignified, stigmas I have seen offered up towards single mothers. Now, I know you put them forth not knowing, I was/will forever be, one of the women you have placed judgement upon.  I will also the boss one day given my future goals.  Instead of your negative words, know you can make a true difference and give hope.  Hope that they too will have the opportunity to become self sustaining citizens in a community that will stand strong in support of you one day, should your world fall apart around you.  V xo

GTOC Blog #46 Embrace/Control Your Change.

As we head from summer into the fall season we realize that change is inevitable.  Whether or not you want it or need it, you will get it.  We are humanity and we are the fortunate.  We can embrace change or deny it.  Change will still happen.

Almost all evenings since I first have been on my own, I have awoken at 2 or 3 am.  Some nights I go back to sleep, however most evenings I lay listening to the sounds of this old creaky house, of the city around me and the worried voices inside of me.

This house creaks ALOT.  In fact I can tell where each able bodied individual (pet or child) is located within the house and pretty much what they are doing.

The city, so different from the country, is actually quieter by 2 - 3 am.  (a few crickets not a chorus, and no coyotes, only the odd barking dog on prowler night) Some mornings I hear the rush of the mighty Moira River.  Other mornings my heart beats in rhythm with the chugging multitude of trains a km or 2 away down the ravine and across the mighty Moira.  Most often though, like this morning, silence.  I keep a battery powered clock in every room and I can hear them click out of time.  Almost as a tune from one end of the house to the other.  They let me know that no matter how much I worry, time keeps going, change keeps happening.

It is actually  "unimaginatably"  stressful to induce change.  Not simply follow an undeniable change, but induce it.  When you sit back and view your life and you recognize it is not following the path you envisioned, it is probably time to consider inducing change.

If we have the luxury of time & effort & (key word) patience we can plan how we will affect change within our life path.  From the smallest realignment to the leap of faith.  Planning is the intelligent choice.  But not all of us have this luxury.

For an easy 10 years before my ex-husband abandoned myself and the children, I lay in bed praying for someone, anyone, God, to help me to induce change.  Yet as I awoke each morning to my reality, I actualized my life, not the change it required of me.  Until one day, something inside of me said "no".  Something inside of me said "never again".  Something inside of me said "do or die".

It took my most trusted person in the world, My Mom, to verbalize my need to stand.  To induce change.

I had endured so much for so many years that the guilt behind this decision haunts me to this day.  Until I remind myself, I am not the only one who made choices.  I never made him go.  He chose to go.  I never made him abandon his family.  He chose to abandon his family.  And because of my choice to stand for me and for my children, and because of his choice to abandon his responsibilities, life has been hard.  Change.

There is however, nothing and let me repeat ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that would ever induce the change that would ever allow my life to repeat or relive the easy 10 years of fear, loathing, etc etc.  I'll take that hard life the children and I have endured again and again.

This was never "in the plan".  I take responsibility for the choices I made that put myself and my children into the situation where do or die change had to be achieved.

The rollercoaster of experiences in life, family, financing, employment, education, health have been ALL from my decision to stand and induce change.

So as I head back to bed to recapture lost sleep, (because contrary to my personal belief, I am getting old, I am not super human),  I recognize that I am most fortunate.  My children absolutely adore me and I them.  We are learning new life experiences together ever day.  Most days, they are my teachers.  Through communication of my experiences I can affect positive change in the daily influx of beautiful people looking, searching for the answer on how they can induce change in their own lives.

When we yearn for change, the most difficult task is to identify, not what is wrong, but how we can make it right.  For most people this is where I come in.  I have reached a point in my life that I simply love people.  I especially love the courage within people to say "there needs to be change in my life, help me"....my Mom helped me to identify what exactly was wrong and how I could make it right. 

It never fails.  Change is going to happen.  Your life path will attempt to keep adjusting itself without you and cause you increased stress and worry, until you stand, grab the reins and take control.  This is what I do.

Everyone has their special talent.  This, my friends is mine.  I help you to identify and define where changes need to be made.  Then together we create a new path with you in control.  I simply show you how you can accomplish where change is taking you.  And I believe in you.

This is where you meet your world.  The world you created around you.  And you smile, because you know, you feel, you believe, in you, in your life path.  It may get hard.  That's okay too.  I won't give up on you, and you won't give up on you.  Your journey is success, change is your success and success is your journey.  Embrace/control your change.  V xo
ps.  Photo by the talented journalist Gail Paquette

GTOC Blog #45 Taking Back Control

This morning I woke up for the first time in days, not at 2 or 3 am, but at my scheduled 6 am.  For three days now my body has been fighting the effects of some food I have eaten and during that process I am entirely exhausted.  Even my brain cannot function at the level required to move forward in my life.  In fact while to others it seemed as though I was still progressing, in my view, I was barely existing.  Barely maintaining.  What a time for this to happen?!?! 

Since the beginning of this year it seems as though the reactory struggle just to maintain was the best I could achieve.  So not me.  In fact I had laxed into a state of allowing others to label and micromanage me.  How the hell did I do that?  Little by little my brain had been fogged into a role quite unnatural to my being.  Without needing to address the details as to how and why, I actually cleared the "brain fog" a couple of weeks ago with one take back control message.

I was re energized into the actualization of the "real me" once again!  My heart, my brain, my body cleared and soared into a flurry of activity because I realized how lax I had become and there were going to be many side effects IF I was even able to unbury from the grave I had laid myself in.

My energy levels restored.  This was me!  I cleared the prescheduled agendas and laid out my plans.  Put my voice and passion into action undogged by circling negativity.  Oh how I had missed that part of me!!!  Slowly however my body pulled me back into a physical coma of inability to act and yesterday afternoon following of day of consistent reprecussions, I simply stopped moving. 

My fantastically energetic daughter Sissy, attempted to pull me from this coma like state with a million suggestions of fun, of which I dogged every single one and I laid there defeated by my own self not having a clue as to why....and then it hit me!  Is my life really so busy that I cannot pay a moments attention to my own well being???

I had consumed something 3 days prior that my body was sensitive to.  It could have been a cracker for heaven's sake.  So hard to keep track!  Blindsided within my flurry of activity, my body began fighting the effects and as such slowed and tired.  On one hand, it is good to know that my energy levels can handle 3 days of aggressive attack before it must rest.  On the other hand, I lost 3 days of top level productivity at a crucial time and I almost "dropped the ball".  Now THAT would have buried me.  My psych, my work & life ethic cannot conceive ever being the one to drop the ball!

Taking my own coaching advice that I freely hand to all others, I cut myself a break.  Sitting surrounded by my beautiful monsters I created my art.  If there was ever a selfish passion, this is mine.  Whether my art is good or not I feel my angels inspire my focus, my eyes, my hands while my  poor tired body healed.

This morning on my early walk with June Bug (something I had been neglecting for months),  we toured the Old East Hill of Belleville.  The beauty of everyone's care for their homes, their creativity inspired me to walk more.  Taking the time to appreciate peoples efforts and taking the time to appreciate my life.  How the heck did I allow myself to be micromanaged out of that one???  It is the essence of me!! 

These words entered my soul....."Take Back Control"

I will be ever more vigilant to the foods I consume so as not to be consistently blindsided,
I will take the time to appreciate the absolute beauty and love in my family, in the people & places I encounter,
I will focus on the work that makes my soul soar,
It really is not that difficult to take back control of your life.  Simply remember it is yours!  V xo

GTOC Blog #44 The "V" Concept on ASKING FOR HELP & getting it !!

I do believe that most of us knowing someone is in need, would champion their cause and find a way to help them.  I have to believe it is human nature to want to help others, even if we ourselves cannot solve the problem, we can rally together, ask others to help to the cause as well and at the very least help a little.  Maybe even enough that the assisted person feels thankful, hopeful and refreshed towards assisting themselves. 

Truly we all have down moments.  But what happens when those down moments magnify in a tidal wave of misfortune and every which way you turn to solve the issue, you are rejected or mislead?  False hope can eventually ruin the most positive of souls and those down moments become a rejected life.  Asking for help isn't even an option anymore because you don't believe anyone will help.  Life's opportunities no longer exist in your state of mind. 

Of late I have been encouraged as to changes within our Social Assistance system that do more than simply maintain  basic needs.  Something that wasn't there when I needed help.  I am so pleased to see it's beginnings, however what I want to see, what I believe our local community and global society requires is an amplified effort to put the opportunity of a truly higher education before those who are willing to work hard to achieve it.  I want to see those in our Social Assistance system go after those people who have lost hope because they do no know the opportunity is there.  They have been so demoralized that searching for hope in opportunity is a non existent thought.  Or it is for more fortunate others.  Someone needs to go after them.  Show them that they won't be rejected or mislead.  That hope and opportunity really do exist for those willing to work hard for it. 

Of course, if they are only being offered minimal education so that they can only achieve low wage or commissioned employment upon working hard to achieve the education, where is the hope and opportunity in that? 

On the flip side, how many movies have celebrated the underdog and their achievements to a greatness that so many of us take for granted?  And we all cheer them on!!!  The world loves the fighting spirit of the underdog.  No matter how many times they get kicked, they muster the will to come back.  In the movies we witness the world whittle their spirit away and the climax is that deciding moment when they ask for help in a last desperate attempt.  Then with that small opportunity of hope, against all the odds in their lives,  they gather all their strengths and achieve their greatness.  Some spark in them reignites into a  burning flame that cannot be extinguished! 

We leave the movie theater thinking "what a nice story, if only it could happen for me in my work, in my family, in my life".  But we don't ask for the opportunity of hope and change.  Our life circumstances win the battle and push the "nice movie thoughts and hopes" out of our minds.

It isn't simply the Socially Assisted  persons that require the opportunity of hope. 
How many of us have laid awake in bed at night knowing we deserve a better employment we have worked so hard for! 
Or the opportunity to take a real holiday some where we only see in the movies, just for once in our lives!  Or the hope to escape a toxic relationship we are trapped within?

We look at all these situations from the outside and we know how they can achieve their goals but are we willing to help them to see the answer?  If we understood that in all their struggles, they cannot any longer see the steps to hope & opportunity, then would you not care enough to try another way to help them, even if they don't verbally ask for it?

I have championed the cause to assist hundreds of women now, either alone or by rallying community and I don't always wait for them to ask for help, most often I simply show them a friendly smile and a hint of hope and that is the real beginnings of new opportunity for them, and then I follow through, every time.  Yet I have once to stand before my community and say, I am stuck...help me!  Of course my image is the eternally optimistic positive personality that absolutely and completely loves her life, why would I need help?  What could I possibly need help with? 

Truth be told, I have the amazing talent of helping others learn how to help themselves, but wouldn't begin to know how to do the same for myself. If I did not have children here to love and protect, I would not have become the eternally, optimistic, positive personality, I would have given up the struggle a long long time ago.
I absolutely love my life because I know deep in my heart where I would have been without my children.   And I know I am so very fortunate, that it is my life's responsibility to share my true fortune of hope & opportunity.  Then without asking, it is returned to me at the exact time I needed it the most.

Last eve, I got a call from one of my dearest of friends.  She was going through trials in her belief of right and wrong, of fairness in life and what she needed to hear was someone's belief in her was unwavering.  She never asks for help, like me she helps others, sometimes to her own detriment.  My belief in her is unwavering and she needed to hear that without ever asking to hear it. 

It's funny how the world works.   By the end of the conversation she had answered one of my most heart wrenching questions.  Without my asking, she gave me hope & opportunity to something I have yearned for since I was a small child.  Funny how the world works...

All of us deserve the right to our own version of greatness.  If we open up our eyes and our hearts we can hear the calls for help before they are asked.  Responding to these calls is part of our personal steps to our own greatness, individually or as a global community.  Our world needs exactly this, right now.  V xo

GTOC Blog #43 Is Failure a Negative or a Positive Word?

Working within the human industry, labels are generally have a very negative or positive influence on our lives.  The "Failure" Label can indicate to us that we are just not good enough.  Not a good enough parent, not a good enough spouse, not a good enough provider etc etc.  These thoughts have a very negative affect on how we see ourselves and how we believe others see us.

Most of us are very hard on ourselves and liberally self-impose the label of "Failure" yet when it comes to others, we understand that circumstances do happen and we not only tell them that we are proud of them for trying, we also tell them not to give up and to try again!!  HUH?!?!

In essence either we are lying (a negative word) & giving false (negative) hope or we have a super human power of bearing the cross for all mankind's failures so that no one should feel it's burden. (Ridiculous!)

I am not going to address our self depreciating tendencies.  Instead I am going to tell you "STOP IT !!!!"

What makes you think you are so much better than everyone else and super human and all that?!?!  You are not!!  We are equally amazing.  Because you tried.  Because I try.

So here is the thing.  What if you looked up the word "Failure" in the dictionary and it said "Your Name & go jump off a cliff because you are just not worth anything else?"  Would you???  NO!!

Instead you would fight back and say "BUT I TRIED MY BEST!!!"

At that exact moment the world sends you a message  "Learn from it & Then do it again!"

Now let's try an experiment.  Verbally, call yourself a "Failure".  What do you feel?
Then sit down and write a list of all the steps you took to reach your "Failed" goal.
There are probably a lot of successful steps in that list, right?
Write down "Successful" beside each item on the list that you achieved.

You have just mapped out what NOT to do next time and what TO DO next time.  You "LEARNED" NOW DO IT AGAIN.!!!

Thank goodness we are fallible, that we have failures.  Look how much we have learned from our Failures!!  We wouldn't know how to succeed if we didn't know the steps it took to fail.

I believe "Failure" is a positive word.  Because we tried to Succeed!!! 

Go take a moment.  Do the experiment.  Regroup and relabel your thoughts.  Learn & Do it again!!  V xo

GTOC Blog #42 - What is Your Greatest NEED, that you can never get enough of?

Each morning as I contemplate my life, sitting with my morning coffee in the sunshine with Missy Sissy, June Bug & Ry Cooder,  I ask myself life questions.  With all the transitional turmoils of the past few weeks, today's question resounded with the banging of a drum so loud I could not complete my usual meditation in love of life and appreciation within my soul.  This questioning drum beat on my early morning brain offensively gathering the fog of doubts in who I am, in what I am doing & how am I achieving my goals.

"WHAT IS MY GREATEST NEED!!!"



I thought my response would be MONEY!  But it wasn't.
I thought my response would be BOYFRIEND/HUSBAND/SECURITY!! But it wasn't that either.

When a very small, meek voice that held the strength of 4 decades of struggles, emerged...I need to help others.

Damn.....I really really thought it would be the need for money...

This internal realization put forth into the world is becoming an actualization I have been acting upon, sometimes highly criticized upon because without a clear cut through the fog, this subconscious need to help others most often occurred to my own detriment. 

And so, my internal voice screamed at me "YOU NEED TO HELP OTHERS"....
I am sure my neighbors, June Bug & Ry Cooder considered my need to be institutionalized as I screamed back, loud & clear.....

"HOW THE HELL CAN I HELP OTHERS WHEN I CANNOT EVEN HELP MYSELF???"

There are chores to be done,
Money to be made,
Kids to be fed,
Bills to be paid,
Responsibilities, Responsibilities, Responsibilities!

And I curled deeper into my housecoat and I peered over my now cold coffee cup and between the tree branches up to the newly lit blue sky, determined to hide from my external and internal self....tenaciously defiant.

Then I felt a hand on my shoulder and my Dad who whispers to me now and again spoke softly in his resoundingly deep voice to the corner of my brain where the reverberations of the drum had not quite deafened....."Your Greatest Need has ALWAYS been to help others and God gave you the Intelligence to do it Wisely"

Then Gabriel breathed a great sigh, deeply asleep from his bed, June Bug softly laid her head in my lap and licked my hand, and Ry Cooder stretched in his comfortable position and dug his claws into my legs ( he is a cat you know).

So I looked around me.  No one was here to help me yet I hadn't done so bad.

We still have a whole house as a safe haven for women & children at Risk.

We have not starved in over 9 years.
We still had a roof over our heads. 
We are healthy.
We love.

And my heart beat loud with love, but did not deafen my brain.
And my brain said, create an unconventionally creative plan.
Then work hard.
And have faith.
 "Because God gave you the Greatest of Loves and the Wisest of Intelligences to Fulfill Your Need to Help Others".

and so it begins anew......the unconventionally creative plan.....GTOC.  

Blog #41....CAN DO people vs Victimized People, One Creates the Other!!

I probably spent the first 45 years of my life wishing to be THAT person, who could help other people. 

This morning as I witness a campaign we have put together, I cried once again as I viewed the video that revealed not only my victimization of Abuse, but also the concept that so many could and do turn a blind eye to the Hidden Abuses.

Most of us will stand up and at the very least call the Police if we witness Physical Abuse happening.

Who stands and says.."hey, that was wrong!" when a woman hides the hidden abuses within her life????

GTOC.  That is who!!

And we do it everyday.  Not simply for women, or men, but also for children, for pets, for our elderly.......for anyone, anything, anytime...WhY????

Because it is the RIGHT thing to do.!!!!!  There is no better reasoning.

This is consistent for the past 9 years.  At first I was afraid to say anything.  I mean, I was THAT victim too.  Then one day I did stand, and what came out of my mouth was incoherent jibberish.  It was my Voice screaming for help, any help.  At first I got the wrong help.  Pretend Help.  The help that Victimized me more. 

Yet, as much as I was pulled down, I screamed louder....I now had a Voice, until I found other women like me.  Who were screaming and no one heard them!!

So I listened.  And I found other people who were listening.  AND we became CANDO people via GTOC.


This early morning hour, I sit at my computer awaiting my final pennies to cover an overdraft in my account that I am praying the bank manager will allow for one week.  And I sit and view a campaign that so many say "Go Girl!!!! " but do they realize that I am doing this Right Thing at a huge expense???

I learned from very young teen years with a very life experienced ex, to hide things.  Most of us do.  Some of us, it becomes a part of our everyday lives and changing it is the greatest struggle.  

So here is my change, because I hide all struggle so that more people will feel positive in their lives:

1.  Help!!
2.  I know, no one asked me to create GTOC.
3.  I know more of us wish there was a GTOC to help them when....
4.  I know, the kids and I will live in worse conditions than the women we help, because with me, they believe....it is our need to help more women.  We have each other, and we live on love.
5.  It is a simple belief that EVERYONE is capable of helping someone.
6.  GTOC believes in helping those that no one knew needed help, or that finally got their Voice ON!!

This campaign, Get Your Voice On Campaign was my effort to not only reach more Women who needed to know someone would hear them!..but also to ask our Communities who are looking for an avenue to help their neighbors, brothers, sisters, mothers, daughters, friends & coworkers.....in some little way.  Everyone and I do mean EVERYONE, even me who gives every penny to getting GTOC out there for more women, can give even $1 via this campaign.  EVERYONE.

No one asked me to Stand Forward and Scream out MY VOICE....but when I did, other women like me found the strength to scream out THEIR  VOICES as well.  It is the RIGHT thing to do.

The cost is,....I / THEM  we get to heal with strength.  I however, burden the cost of helping where the government does not/cannot. 

So....On my list of Change, I ask for help.  Help me to burden the cost of keeping a home open for our Communities' women that work hard to ensure their daughters do not endure what they have. 

Help me to burden the cost of  working with our Communities' women who work hard in the belief that they are changing our world for the better, in ways that our government cannot / will not.

Until we show change in our ability to help our own, We as a Community have no right to Stand and Tell our Government to do it for us.

 " We're all just walking each other home..." ― Ram Dass

V xo 

GTOC Blog #40....the Woman's Voice.

We spend, it seems an eternity remaining silent.  Life continues around us.  Are we even sure if we are contributing or simply witnessing it pass?

Inside we know...wrongs are being done.

Inside we scream...there is more...what is it?

Inside we tell ourselves what generations before also said to themselves, "be silent, endure, love and teach"

The traditional woman.  There are some of us that were raised to be traditional women.

There are many of us.

We have keenly watched the brave words of a few women and have been inspired by their Voice.

Yet we remain silent because we believe we have no voice.

Or perhaps our voice is being created through our daughters.

Perhaps like all good women, we wish for better for our daughters than we had for ourselves.

And that raging voice inside is reflected in our silent actions.

Our children are growing up in a world that is "more aware".  We are the generation that either got left behind or joined in the "global awareness".

I began my journey "left behind".

Through witnessing my efforts and my failures, my daughters have become women with voices.  There will never be any "settling in life" for them.

Through their love and support of me, (and I must include my son's in this as well)...my children have not only fought for me to stand in my voice,....they live that life.

Together now we stand knowing "Our Voice Matters".

There are still times, I will yearn to revert back to the "hidden voice"  Fear.  Knowing one's place.  Comfort in Failure.  Longing for Love (even fake love) will re-enforce the "hidden voice".  Through the inspiration of great women, their voice, through my children's voice, I still stand...even with my fears, doubting "My Voice" but reaching to the heavens....because not having "My Voice" would now mean death to my soul.

When I first enter a room filled with people with greater worth than my own,

I am quiet in my hidden fears,

I hear spoken words that do not support "A Woman's Voice",

My heart beats so fast my hearing is dulled by it's sound,

I must speak "My Voice",

I am driven to speak "The Hidden Voice" for women who cannot,

Meekly I begin, almost apologetically,

My voice shaking in fear,

My lips quivering with tears swelling my eyes,

All turn to listen,

Eventually, even those who refuse to hear, turn to listen,

I tell a story,

A story of a woman with a "Hidden Voice",

Who discovers the person she entrusted with "Her Voice",

Has been manipulating and pushing "Her Voice" into silence,

Till one day, she witnesses this entrusted person beginning to manipulate her "Daughter's Voice",

And fear for self is replaced by strength for her "Daughter's Voice",

Silently, and through her "Hidden Voice" this woman teaches her Daughter to let "Her Voice Sing",

Silently, and through her "Hidden Voice" this woman teaches herself to let "Her Voice Sing", because children learn by witnessing,

The story continues and the journey is hard.

But the woman and her children now feel the "Song in their Voice",

And other women witness,

Then the other women begin to feel "Their Voice"

And the important people in the room, listening to this woman, are silent,

For a voice filled with love of life can only be heard gently through the heart.

And when you touch someone's heart with "Your Voice", you enable their "Song in their Voice".

They feel your importance to "Love of Life".  But you don't.

To you the answer is simple,

If you don't speak "Your Voice",

There is always the possibility that somebody's daughter will continue to be silent & endure.

You have struggled out of the death of your soul,

We now live in a world of Global Awareness.

No One's Daughter should ever be left behind to be silent & endure.

Everyone's Daughter should feel their importance in our Global Community, to stand and enable through their "Song in their Voice".

You leave.

As you drive away, you gasp in tears.

"I Have A Voice" you whisper to yourself and you smile through your tears knowing...you have just enabled others to "Have a Voice" too.

Our world is changing....This is our children's world....It's getting better.  V xo

GTOC Blog #39....GTOC tenacity at it's finest!!

It's April 10th....I am home studying for my new career in financing and investing.  The MFDA has yet to commit to licensing me....I am held in limbo, but I move continuously forward.

Why?  Because I believe everyone has the right to proper financial advice, not just those who can afford it.....so I take on an avenue of employment that will provide opportunity for advice for all people, and because personally I am responsible for the expenses of GTOC, no as yet there is no extra funding. Yet, I have been known to take on 2 or 3 employments to fund this GTOC adventure for women...

Why? Because on my finger I wear the ring my father bought for my mother in Ireland.  The claddaugh ring with clearly and symbolically states "I carry your heart in my hands."  I carry the love and passion for the efforts of GTOC in my heart and move forward with it in my hands.

Why?  Because my father has since passed, but the memory of my parents' love, lives forever in my heart as a beacon of hope that true love does exist.  Love for partner, love for family, love for friend and foe, love for neighbor.  To me my parents love story is a love story of epic proportions.

Why also?  Because my father died because he stood for what he believed in.  His actions were his voice.  I try everyday to be my father's daughter....and while I remain steadfast in my voice in standing for women...my friend and photographer Al Murack has captured  my symbolic essence in this photograph...

"While I hold your heart in my hands, relax, I've got you covered,....here via GTOC we shoot for the stars, because if we aimed lower you might end up from where you came, our tenacity supporting yours, will help you get to where your goal is to be."

I apologize if you do not appreciate the symbolism of the gun....I don't think guns do bad things, people do bad things, and with anything at their disposal, guns, knives, cars, hands, fists, sticks, stones, voices, emotions, ... I thank god every morning that I awake, because almost all of these weapons have been used on me.....yet I dare to be gratefully alive...I have always said I have an army of angels protecting me!!....sometimes we choose the bad people in our lives and sometimes they choose us.  Irregardless, one day we wake up, and we realize we might need a little assistance to get us away from the bad person, away from their version of weapon, away to a better quality of life and to do this we must muster up not only all our strengths, but to not go back to the only life we have known,....tenacity as well,....in it's finest hour.  Again and Again.

Why?....because as much as we strive for that better quality of life we know we deserve, there is an innate voice inside that says, no,...hide....it's what we do....it's how we survive....It takes a lot of tenacity, training and support to thrive especially alone. 

And so everyday, at GTOC, we thrive, even in our failures, our hiccups on the way to thriving,....we believe;

those of you who have done harm to us, we still believe in you, you simply are going to have to get there without the ability to hurt us any longer.
those of you who try....everyday, or even most days....you will thrive, just never stop believing.  It's how we all get there.

 So as my day work day winds to a close, the MFDA has not responded to my director's urgent reminders to move forward with my licensing, I stand  tall, tenacity at it's finest, knowing and living my belief that all will be fine, all will endure, because like my parent's love has endured through death, the tenacity in me must continue through life....where there is life, their is opportunity,....where there is life there is love,...and like my wonderful friend Brian says " Veronica's gun is loaded with love...." 

Thank you to my community for believing in me, in the efforts of GTOC....it sparks and fires my tenacity of voice for GTOC's wonderfully Aspiring women!!!  V xo

GTOC Blog #38.....Live Life's Passion!!!

I absolutely love when people ask me How I am able to do what I do within GTOC!!  There are a multitude of projects consistently pushing forward at all times, probably enough to boggle the throttle on most person's to do lists. 

. . . However, I don't believe that is what they are referring to.

While I put my financial well being at risk, everyday for this effort....I don't believe that is entirely what they are referring to either.

What I believe they are referring to are the multitude of unsavory characters that would take advantage of my efforts for them, to the point of harming my personal, financial, emotional, physical well being.  Yeah, I know......I have made many V haters out there!

This is why I LOVE when people ask me the "how" questions.  I always respond with the same answer....because I believe there are many more good people out there than there are bad and if I have to sift through all the bad to find one good....then I will.  Don't get me wrong.  With each person I have to sift through, I hurt.  I go home.  I cry.  Why?  Not because of the damage they have done to me financially or emotionally, but because tomorrow I will wake up, cleansed, refreshed and still entirely and positively in love with life.  They however will be chipping away, negative, moving on to the next person to utilize & manipulate with their lies and all those dreams they have professed will slowly die.  And I cried, because I felt their dreams live, take flight and then sadly I felt their dreams die.

There is no miracle cure and I am so very much not a miracle worker.  It is a simple recipie of life.  "Do unto others".  You cannot force someone to succeed.  You can empower them, but the effort, like the goals, are theirs to achieve.

For every one V Hater out there, there are 10's of 100's of V supporters.  They don't have to like me, I am not the important factor here.  They do however support GTOC's efforts to empower women to a better quality of life.  I am so amazingly encouraged by their shows of support that I keep on sifting, sifting, until I find a true GTOC woman.  She is the reason, GTOC was created.  I have had the greatest of pleasures in meeting some of these women.  The fact that they give me the opportunity to assist them on their journey astounds me and simply reinforces my beliefs.  I believe we are all given special, personal gifts.  And I believe it is our duty to share these gifts with our neighbors.  I know my gift.  God gave me a heart so big that while I may not have a "shield" to protect it, it grows consistently stronger so that in spite of all the stresses and worries and hurts of GTOC, being a single Mom, my life....I am still able to appreciate the beauty in everything and everyone around me.  In fact I thrive in sharing this gift.  Another truth in life, "the more you give, the more you receive."  What is your gift?....are you sharing it?....if not....do it....watch it grow!!!  if you are....do it again!!!!  and love it!!!  

Go ahead, today, close your eyes and raise your face to the warmth of the sunlight.  Identify your gift.  Choose who to give it to.  Then do it....Live Life's Passion!!!

My children get the same pep talk I give myself....Life is Hard, sometimes it sucks but it's your choice to be and see beautiful, it is your choice how you will grow and improve life for yourself and for others. I don't expect other people or my children to have this same passion for GTOC's efforts.  I expect them to have so much passion for their life journey that they don't just walk it....they fly it!!!  I know what it's like to almost lose life passion, to have it taken from you, to have to fight for it, to struggle to get it back.....and so GTOC has been created to reinforce your life passion as a thank you to so many that supported me back into mine.

I love when people ask me the "why" questions ... because it presents me with the opportunity to reassess my Passion for Life....am I "flying"??.....why YES!!!  and my bet is that if you are smiling that knowing, peaceful smile by the end of this blog.....You are flying too!!!  V xo

GTOC Blog #37 That full circle of life thing.... V xo

Tonight I had the dearest of pleasures to once again sit cushioned in a theatre seat.  Lush ambiance and heightened anticipation surrounded me.  It has been almost 2 decades since my career in the theatre ended.  Yet the scent, the feel, the love of it's imaginative creativity seemingly has not left my conscious. 

I recall artistic temperments, moments of ingeniously clevered solutions to anxieties of dissatisfactions....and I recall the look on the audiences' face as they stood in applause to the characters we all tasted in creating.

I sat very still tonight in the theatre....this wasn't my time....yet I hugged myself in anticipation.  Tonight was my first time experiencing my daughter Sissy's endeavors in theatrical productions!

How would she handle the lack of timed applause and laughter?  the seemingly irrational timing of stage lighting? a possible equipment malfunction? ....a budding actress of her own regard, Sissy stood proud of her endeavors to learn and produce effective stage lighting and sound for each and every performance. 

I glanced over my shoulder following an irregular surge in volume of Mr. Dean Martin himself....and she took all in professional stride...with a smile and the grace of the young woman she is becoming. ... and the hereditary goofiness only a daughter of mine could so charmingly portray.

My Sissy, was thriving in the greatness and hard work of life in the theatre.
My Sissy...

As I cozied into my cushioned seat preparing for act 2.....I once again hugged myself....proud....My Sissy!!!  ...knowing full well that should the "City hall ghost" reappear and tamper with Mr. Dean Martins' music volume once again....the entire theatrical cast and crew could count on My Sissy to smooth the edges, integrate the ghostly malfunctions into a performance appreciated by all it's attendants and devotees!!  V xo

GTOC Blog #36.....When is the last time you told yourself,...."YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL !!!?"!!

As I walked smiling across the parking lot today, I thought Oh yeah,  I am beautiful!!! "I am all that and a bag of chips".....and so are you...and you....and you too!!

I absolutely LOVE grocery shopping!!  Having come from a world where I had to find breakfast, lunch & dinner for 5 for less than $5.00 a day....groceries in the cupboard are like gold.

When the monsters were young, we would all go grocery shopping together.  Me with my little list...always a baby in the front of the cart....I would direct each of the kids....you...bread....you milk....you....oatmeal.....replicating a strategically planned army maneuver....we were a show to behold.  When most mothers were going crazy with one screaming baby....we would sing and dance down the aisles.

Today, I usually have one or another of the monsters with me,...carrying the hand basket.  Standing quietly by my side as I sing and dance to the grocery store music, sometimes.....just for a moment....they join in. For we go everyday to the grocery store.  Of course some days I go alone.......I get more than a few curious stares as I sing and dance down the aisles.

I don't care.

In fact....sometimes after a particularly tired and grumpy shopper watches me so very enjoying grocery shopping, I will spy them with a little more bounce in their step a few minutes later when they forget someone might be looking!!

I LOVE the saying  "dance like no one is watching"....Having been so shy my entire life that I have avoided much attention.  Now I look into people's eyes,  I smile, they smile.....I don't care who they are,  what they look like,  the grumpier and nastier the better!!

If you are given a second chance to love your life.  Do it.  I am told I am that bird who for the first time flew free from her cage.   So don't tiptoe into freedom.  Fly!!!  Soar!!!  Every second is exhilarating!!! 

There are difficult days.  However, on those days I tuck myself in.  With a little secret smile, I know it won't last.  Sadness cannot last in my life.  It is a part of me but not who I am.  Today when a dear friend talked of her grandmother perhaps in her last days, I relived those last moments with my own father.  I tucked a big cozy sweater around myself and could still feel his hugs.  I cried.  Just a little.  Because my Dad loved to laugh.  I hugged my dear friend.  Hugs give strength.  My Dad still is the definition of strength. 

Strength in Love is learning when to define.  Another woman I would have loved to create a dear friendship with, abandoned her person.  Again, I tucked myself in.  It hurts of course. But defining boundaries is also a strength.  To accomplish this and to still communicate Love of person,  is strength.  I'd be lying if I didn't reveal that I cried again as I hugged myself.  For in order to love others,...you have to love yourself.

So then, twice having cried today....why did I walk from the grocery story, smiling a secret smile,....a skip in my step....look to the blue sunny sky and tell myself...."You are Beautiful!!!"....and that woman in the red toque "She is Beautiful!!"....and the grey haired haggard old man I smiled at ..."He is beautiful....even though he did not smile back!!!"  ....  Because in the grocery store, I always go to....I didn't sing....I didn't dance....I politely stood in line, sad, tired....just wanting to be home, alone and sad. Often, life takes chunks out of you and sometimes we are not given the breather to heal...fill them in between another barrage of chunks in the form of sadness ripping away more.

Then the cashier, I almost never go to, smiled.  Said she was happy to see me, said she doesn't seem to be working during the hours I am there...She was beautifully lovely!!!   Somewhere, somehow I had made enough of a difference in her life, that she stepped out of her quiet demeanor and made me feel welcomed, remembered.....loved.  This my old friend Andy....is Karma.  Yes Victoria there is Karma!!  It exists!!!

And immediately like a flower in full bloom, I beamed smiles right back at her!!!  Yes, there is sadness, it happens.  But I choose happiness, love, freedom!! 

My life is exhilarating! 
The feel of my June Bug's silky fur between my fingers;
The squeeze of baby hands as I get my morning hugs, every morning from Baby Gaby;
The kisses and "I love you's"  my Cassie gives me every night even when I am already asleep;
The strength I feel in my Conor's hugs before he leaves for school, everyday;
And the mornings cuddled in the sunshine with our coffee mugs with Sissy Wissy......
All these moments rush back to me.....I feel loved.....

 So with a skip and a tune.....I look up to the blue sky....."I feel beautiful!!!....I really am all that and a bag of chips"!!!!.....said with some swagger"
And as I bring my eyes back to the parking lot,....the woman with the red toque reflects my smile "You are beautiful!  it says"....
And the old grey hair haggard man who won't remember my smile till the days activities flash before his eyes as he flutters off to a well deserved sleep tonight...."You too are beautiful....and all that and a bag of chips!!!!!"

Life is exhilarating!!!....Karma....Kismit...What goes around Comes around....the Universe sends back to you what you project to it........Choose your moments to celebrate Life everyday!!! 

....and Life will tell you when it is Celebrating You in return!!!  V xo

GTOC Blog #35 My Superhero Cape is feeling a little wilted today....

When I started writing these blogs it was because I wanted people to understand and experience that I am simplistic,a  real single Mom still struggling to manage to keep afloat her larger than average family, with dignity and love.

Since GTOC began, I have been increasingly celebrated as a woman who not only cared and spoke true for a cause, but provided solutions, hope, dignity....to the point where I feel someone larger than me was being celebrated.

I am still just that terrified me.
I am that little girl who's Daddy hugged her and told her everything would be alright when her world fell apart...and I believed.
I am that daughter that hugged her Mom every Sunday in church when her Dad had to go to God.
I am that Teen...who once again, actually for the first time, experienced the ravages of the heart & body. 
I am that Mom that has struggled and appreciated her children's love of the family unit....even without a father.
I am that Working person,.....dedicated to her clientele's needs over her own to the level of 3 full time jobs at any one day.
I am that person who created a company that would address life's inequities with the solution needed.....not me.....a community of people,  just like me AND willing to support the efforts of those willing to work hard to achieve better quality of life.

And today, I sit quietly in a dark room.  I am searching for answers.  Solutions.  Not for me.  But for those who celebrate who the Community has said I am.  And yes, I cry.  Because I so badly want to be, ultra rich and solve the most basic of issues, food and shelter.  I am that daughter who's mother is suddenly not well.  Yet I hold to the women I have devoted my efforts and my spirit to.  Some I know, know and support with their own caring.  Other I know, want of me what they cannot ask of others.  When did they forget what is was like to pull together their own efforts instead of standing back and draining another's?

I want to put on a super human cape and solve their issues for them.  But today my cape feels wilted.   It is not simply invisible.  It does not exist.  Because what I cannot comprehend how some people believe it to be simply acceptable to drain from one giving person, what they will not fight for.  Have they given up?

When someone believes in you, you cannot give up.  You can take a break.  Oh Yes...we all need breaks,...but giving up is not an option.  If all avenues are blocked....create your own.  I did.  I am simple.  I know anyone can do this.  My goal is to tell them to never stop trying.  Not at another's expense.  But create your own opportunities when the world says there are none.  Tell the world No!  This is your choice.

The goal of GTOC has and will always be to detail to it's local Community, how each of us easily can step forward, without upsetting our natural balance within our lives, to assist those who the world has taken away their opportunities.

As a Community, this is a simple task. 

As one individual, trying to be heard by politicians with the power to affect the issues and who refuse to engage, and only heard by those who search for an avenue, it is so difficult to accomplish each task. 

I see the Community draw together.  We need to be one voice.  We need to address anyone who has the ability to affect the system, because it is them that fears engagement.  Through them.  With them.  We can affect the system.  It is our Community that holds the super human cape.  And it is strong.  Teach and Learn together and we can help those who need to learn to help themselves.  As long as we allow our political programs to hide behind blind rules of engagement, we are telling them (the politicians) not to engage, not to join in. 

Instead, let's us, as a Community teach them, how they can join in with us and affect a system of inequities.  Those who will stand will affect.  Those who will not, can walk behind.  For we as a community know forward movement,...let's show them how it is done, and teach them how even though they too are simple people, they can achieve together with those they promise to represent. 

I head now to cuddle within those I love.  My children.  Because from the mouths of babes, simple answers make themselves known.  And true love allows the communication of souls.   V xo

GTOC Blog #34 It's after midnight...Would I be in bed by now if I had a good man there waiting for me?

I am sitting here typing a blog following a grueling day of work.  Sunday, my day off.  No......  I asked a friend how his day was and he said, busy...lot's of stuff to do with my kids....I replied....I am still working.  He said, I know, it is what we do...who we are. 

As of midnight, I stopped working.  My arms and back are sore from the type of work I am not quite so accustomed to any more.  I suppose I am getting too old to intimidate the young bucks treeplanting in the reforestation fields any longer.  However, I sincerely believe given the opportunity....I'd still put them through their paces.  I might hurt, unable to move, sleep, while they leisurely rest their young bones,...but I know the next day,....I will do it again...showing I can accomplish more, even physically has always been a simple however now increasingly strenuous accomplishment for me.

Tonight however, disassembling a kiosk that had been donated to our Healthy Tasting Room via Furniture and Farm Friend.ze,....I knew, I was in over my head.  Thank Goodness for Cassie, her boyfriend Jess and my Son Conor....and the kindly concierge who assisted us with his good natured humor as the tiring night progressed.

And so I return home, with thank you's to Cassie's Jess as he headed off to a full evening shift of work.  I love you's and hugs from Conor and Cassie....and "Glad you are home comments" from Sissy & Gabriel.  As well we shall not forget the prancing hand licking June Bug....yeah....home sweet home.  I am such a fortunate woman and mother.

Yet here I type.  It is now 12:48 and would I be cuddled in bed by now, if I had a good man waiting for me?

The answer, I cannot decide whether I am sorry to say yes, or sorry to say no....must be a well rounded "No".

Here in lies my dilema.  I am a good, loving woman.  I know this.  I am strong.  I know this too.  I have my convictions...and I intend to succeed in my life goals.   Sadly, I am yet to be convinced that there is such a good man that would accept that I would divert my attention from them in my efforts to  express my inner workings via this blog so that women everywhere,....striving, aspiring, women with the conviction to succeed in their life goals would also feel as strongly as I do....this is a good thing.  This is an amazing thing! 

I have met many a good man and while the acceptance of my far reaching goals draw their attraction, the work required  wherein they have difficulty to witness that I must accomplish to achieve the baby steps towards my impossible goals is staggering.  The sacrifice even a new level of staggering.  And yet I continue, head strong. Why...tonight on a day that was intended for family time, I ask myself....why?  Then I reach out to my loving children.  Not only do I know the answer to "why", so do they.  "Because I can."....and I am convinced "They too Can."  As Can You, who read this blog.

My Children have learned a life lesson, foreign to many potential suitors I meet.  Dream huge, dream beyond anyone's reality, Believe in it, Work hard to achieve it,  ... and most importantly.... never Give up.  And my children have learned this by witnessing, my sacrifices, my hard work and my love of life.  I can smile everyday as I awake, because my children and I make it clear,....we not only love each other, we love life.

Knowing this....my dreams are becoming my reality.

In church today, Fr. Francis had me in tears while he spoke of a real true love in marriages.  I was married 18 years.  Of which most of those 18, I was very unhappy.  The happy years were the one's that began with my children. I strove daily to achieve a real marriage.  I cried in silence every evening before laying next to my husband.  And I knew.  Life was more than this.  Yet I continued.  Everyday.  And every evening, I prayed....Please God...find me an acceptable avenue to be free of this pain, agony, loveless, abusive marriage...but if it is for my beautiful children...I will stay.  My love of my life and my love of my children kept me prisoner to a marriage intent on diminishing that strong, loving, goal oriented woman in me.

And then one day.  I was free.  I shook.  I was terrified.  I didn't know what "free" was. 

It has taken me 9 years to answer the "why question" and the "what is free" question.  So to all you single women, with or without children,....starting over.,....rediscovering the who's the what's the where's and the why's .....while we still ache for that lovely gentleman's arms to hold us at days end and to reassure us that we are loved........

WE are loved.  Freedom to love your world,...in the manner you wish to love your world....is freedom....is love.  Open your arms wider....and revel in it.

WE are loved.  Why?....because we choose to love others.  Without judgment and ridicule.  We open our arms and we love....in the manner we wish to be loved.

We have the choice of dreaming to achieve.  We continue to achieve our goals.  ...and we believe in ourselves....we don't require "that good gentleman" to believe in us in order to achieve our goals.

Yes, we do yearn for "that good gentleman" still.

And somewhere out there, is your "good gentleman"...whether you meet him or not (and I like many single women do wish to)  This "good gentleman" will also revel in your achievements, knowing you must sacrifice so much in life and you must work hard, to achieve your impossible dream.  You will meet him one day and he will know....you are that "good woman"....and at days end, when you have completed your list of to do's and made note to many other aspiring women via your blog encouraging them to achieve their beliefs....

So what is your misfortune should you not meet that "good gentleman"...none.  For your impossible dream is achieved and you know you are loved

And should you meet that "good gentleman"....both he and you will know love.....and as you enter those closing efforts to your blog....you will feel his arms envelope you.....LOVE...."when you are ready"....he will whisper in your ear....and like always.  You will know.  You are loved, for you have Loved.....and you fight hard, to LOVE more.

My beautiful friends.  I complete this blog knowing that June Bug, Ry Cooder and Baby Gaby await me in my bed.   I will achieve very little sleeps as they shuffle for space on our tiny mattress.  Yet one by one, I will hug each with a thank you kiss.....for I am loved.  Irregardless of when my "good gentleman" shall arrive.  I am loved by my most beautiful of achievements,.....because at 1:37 am, even without me cuddled next to them, they still believe in my why's, how's, what's & where's of my time spent blogging love and hope  to those of whom I believe in and their why's, how's, what's & where's ....good night.   V xo

GTOC Blog #33 The Spirit within True Beauty

Have you ever in your first glimpse of a person, before even shaking their hand, made visual judgement on their personality, their character, whether you would like them?  We do that don't we.  It is a naturally human animalistic trait.  Were we animals, we would be assessing the other either as a threat, a conquest, a meal.  Perhaps it is a trait held over through evolution.  We do still all hold to the animalistic rule of survival of the fittest,  the smartest, the quickest.  I am not sure how this applies to the everyday life of someone like me, yet I know it is there.  It underlies my subconscious. 

As I picked up my Sissy this evening downtown, I realized I was late.  The door was locked to the building she was supposed to be in and it seemed as though the lights were out inside.  I turned to see where she might be.  I had feared that she would be standing alone in the dark outside the building.  Then my fears rose as I noticed a pub across the street we had visited once prior and my heart sank deep into my stomach as I pictured my beautiful tiny daughter passing by the unsavory characters hanging around outside the pub who had now turned their attention to me assuredly noticing my changes in demeanor from worry to fear.  I stood taller.  I walked in firm strides passing by the characters that were now watching my every movement.  I entered the pub.  As every eye turned to the entrance door my heart slipped lower, my beautiful Sissy was no where to be found.  Strength entered my eyes...challenge me it said....I will find my daughter...as I exited the pub, the characters were now standing very close...watching.  Head strong, shoulders wide, steps strong my mind told me to head for my  vehicle, my senses listened for the sound of steps following behind.  Without turning I already knew, for my senses were heightened.  They were watching but they were not following. 

I did find my Sissy, safe and sound inside the building where she was supposed to be.  As I looked over to the characters I saw them now with indifferent eyes.  Just people having a cigarette outside a pub, probably wondering what the commotion was about.  Whether or not they were unsavory, situation dictated protection of my own.  My response was animalistic.  So I can safely assure you, even I who see artistic beauty in the knarl of a tree, the vein of a leaf...can become visually judgmental, before I even have the pleasure of shaking your hand.

Tonight, my artistic eyes assessed the person who's hand I reached to shake.  Within moments she was gone.  Only to return to meet with me as arranged.  In my position, I meet with a lot of women.  First meetings are always very difficult for me.  First meetings are experience release occasions.  As such I must release my life experiences so that the person I am reaching out to, understands that nothing they can say of their life experiences could possibly be considered inappropriate to the discussion.  I have been doing this process and refining it for some time.  Releasing heals me.  Releasing is the beginning process of their healing.  I am empathic and I absorb the images, the hurt in their eyes, their described experiences.

It hurts.

I kept watching and assessing this beautiful human being across from me this evening.  The intelligence in her eyes, the aristocratic curve of her cheek bones, the strength in her hands, the spirit in her eyes.  Here across from me were stories being revealed, some for the first time, of unmentionable horrors that had been occurring the majority of her adult life.  That had been locked into her subconscious because survival dictated they must be locked away.  First slow flashes of experience...then more and then into abundance as they began to emerge, to release, to overlap in their need to be released, to be understood. 

As the story exchange progressed, I interjected hope, positive reinforcement of her actions to survive.  Her subconscious knows this already, it too however requires affirmation of it's belief, of it's knowledge.  Her body language portrays a nervous lowly subjectiveness.  Her spirited eyes straighten and strengthen her spine with each affirmation of her worth not only to herself, but to those who love her....the rebuilding process is already underway.  Her sibling has brought her forward with the love of a mother.  She also attends this first meeting with the strength of a mother bear protecting her cubs.  This is love.  There is the greatest of beauty in this love.

Moments turned into hours.  I am captivated by the human spirit within this tortured soul.  I am held in the horrors of her life experiences.  I feel each blow.  I sink with her despair. 

Yet at the end of our meeting, agreeing to meet again very shortly,...she stands taller. Smiles rise her cheek bones and the spirit in her eyes flash with renewed vigor of life, of beauty.  It is my gift from God to witness the renewal and strengthening of spirit within her beauty.

On my journey home, tears tighten my throat.  While I am immensely inspired by the strength of spirit in this beautiful woman even after enduring a life of indespicable horrors, I cannot understand.  My mind, my heart and my soul cannot decifer the inclination of any one person to inflict such eternal pains on another.  For yes, her life will be a lifetime of healing. 

My mind wanders.  I begin the search for a positive injection to prevent the empathic injuries from harming my heart.  Once again I rely on my witnessing of the perfect husband, the perfect father, the perfect friend.  I review this person's love of his family to endure what he can to keep it together, to keep it safe.  I return here often to reinforce my belief that there are wonderfully good men.  Tonight I am humbled that God would see me as worthy to release me and my beautiful babies from a life of unimaginable degredation in a manner suited to my capabilities and has enabled me to reach out to other women so that they too will feel the love and freedom of love that I know experience in every moment of my day....and yet I also stifle a gasp.  My heart aches of course to return home to that husband, father & friend that alludes me in my life.  Visually I experience his "glad you are home" kiss as I enter our home. 

Then, I recall all the times I have listened to my friend's wife degredate and discount his efforts for his family.  So sad.  What some of us have given up simply for a glimpse of, others throw away in disgust.  This issue we fight doesn't only happen to women.  Good Women.  It happens often to men.  Good Men.

So this evening.  Reach out to your husband, Reach out to your wife.  A simple "I love you",    A simple "thank you" affirms their daily efforts.  We all have the ability, the strength to inject positive affirmation of their worth to us, and to all those they strive to affect in their daily lives.  With a loving artistic soul, see your partner's Spirit within their True Beauty.   V xo